One thing that may be a mixed blessing for Robbie is that I understand him very well, too well for his comfort at times! There have been times such as the test card incident and the fuzzy felts birthday card when I've thought that Robbie didn't understand me at all, but that's not true. He knows that I love him and even when he gets things horribly wrong his intentions are usually good - misguided but good.
Thankfully I have help in keeping Robbie on the 'straight and narrow', my older daughter (mini me) and my mum (senior me) keep reminding him of the 'rules'.
1) Never attempt to buy clothes for me without 'advice' 2) Never spring a surprise on me - his type of surprises scare me! 3) Retro is not always good 4) Never choose music for me 5) Never make arrangements which can not be changed later. 6) If in doubt, don't!!
It probably makes me sound very boring, I'm not really, but perhaps I indulge in quieter passions than Robbie. I think the real difference is that I am the one who has to keep my feet on the ground and not let my passions run away with me.
I was so impressed with Robbie this week, he brought me a little treat and I was in heaven. It was a can of Root Beer from Cybercandy and it was absolutely wonderful, I love root beer. It was the perfect way to show he cared, not stupidly expensive and very thoughtful. There were just a couple of little problems, it made me wonder 'what he had done' (but I was tactful enough not to put that thought into words!) and it has left me craving Root Beer. Maybe he does understand me a bit after all, he certainly knows how to make me happy!!
A couple of days ago Robbie told me about a man who attempted to board a train with his Pony in Wrexham. I didn't believe him at first, but he pointed to a YouTube clip showing the man with his little grey pony on the platform waiting for the train. The pony seemed very good natured, it did not show any outward signs of fear. Apparently the man even took the pony in the lift to get to the platform. The train operating company Arriva Trains Wales released CCTV pictures of the pony in the lift and on the platform.
Robbie was horrified and he patiently explained that with the exception of dogs animals must be conveyed in a fully enclosed basket or pet carrier no larger than 85cm x 60cm x 60cm. Personally I would rather travel with that pony near me than with a tarantula or a snake in a pet carrier. A spokeswoman for Arriva Trains Wales said "Large animals, including horses and ponies, which may pose a risk to the general public, are not permitted to travel." I am not suggesting that horses and ponies should travel with people on already overcrowded trains. But if they are trying to prevent risk to the travelling public they perhaps need to have another look at their rules. I would rather travel with ten horses than ten football fans and I would prefer a whole train full of horses to one annoying drunk. After all horses don't spend hours on mobile phones telling the world in general that they are on a train and they don't feel the need to terrorise their fellow passengers with their music.
Apparently the man wanted to board the train with his pony because he wanted to take it to hospital. Perhaps he is a bit eccentric, but judging by the pictures that little pony seemed calm and not at all distressed by it's adventure.
When I was chatting with my friend the other day she referred to my recent post about arguments and she pointed out that what I write on the blog is not always the complete picture because the things that really hurt me do not find their way to the blog. I guess she has a point, I do write when I am sad or hurt or worried, and often the process of writing helps, but one my of my greatest frustrations is not being able to write about a person or a situation either because they do not want to be written about or because the situation is too personal or private to write about. To see a friend or family member struggling and being ground down by a situation is almost worse than enduring it yourself especially when there there very little that you can do to help. Very occasionally I have to accept that the issue is completely off limits, but usually I can write more generally about a subject or write about a similar situation from the past.
Once a very long time ago I was bullied. I was in my first job after qualifying and I became increasingly unhappy because of the way my manager behaved towards me. It was quite a long time before I recognised it as bullying because it was very subtle. I was put down for the smallest errors or omissions, things that I did well were ignored or passed off as my manager's work, she criticised me in front of colleagues and clients, she withheld information so that I would make mistakes and look foolish and she gave me the worst jobs and impossible deadlines. It wasn't my first job, so I knew that work shouldn't be like that and I knew that I was competent, but I still felt that somehow it was my fault and my confidence ebbed away to be replaced with anxiety and dread. I felt trapped and powerless, and I was sure that no one would believe me, it was her word against mine,she had a good reputation and she was coming to the end of a successful career. I did the only thing I could do, I kept going and I worked long hours and I tried to meet the impossible targets.
That situation continued for months, I didn't tell anyone, I just became increasingly unhappy and anxious. Then after about 9 months of agony someone more senior than my manager took me aside after a training course and asked me to tell her what was happening. That was the beginning of the solution for me, it took time and it wasn't easy but knowing that I was believed gave me the confidence to stand up for myself and to tackle the bullying. Sadly the manager became ill and left not long afterwards, but by then things were much improved between us and we parted on good terms.
Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight I still wonder why it happened. I don't think she was a bad person, she just behaved unkindly towards me. She was at the end of a career that had given her status and satisfaction and she may perhaps have envied my youth and enthusiasm (I was about 23) and been irritated that I took it all for granted. She was traditional, very respectful of hierarchy and she clung to rules and regulations. It seemed to me at the time that she used rules and policy to justify a 'can't do' attitude and to avoid making decisions, but perhaps that is a bit harsh. I realise now that she was out of her depth, she had been moved out of her comfort zone, I think she was intimidated by the client group and I think that clinging to rules and tradition was her way of feeling in control. I suspect she was unhappy and perhaps a little afraid but it doesn't excuse the way she treated me.
It is hard to admit that you are being bullied and it is probably just as hard to admit to yourself that you are a bully, but acknowledging it is the first step towards putting it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, all theses years later I can still remember how terrible I felt. It was a difficult to face up to those feelings, but having to do so has made me stronger and more determined and I am sure it made me a better manager. When he was Chief Executive of The Industrial Society Tony Morgan said "Workplace bullying - in any form - is bad for business. It destroys teamwork, commitment and morale."
Marriages, if they are going to work at all have to have an element of give and take. Sometimes if people love each other and they take time to talk things through and really listen to each other it is possible to overcome even the most difficult issues. However everyone has their breaking point and it can be a seemingly minor issue that tips the balance. It has been a bit like that with us recently. In August Robbie and I had the most amazing holiday, all on our own with no children. It allowed us to really enjoy each other's company, we talked, laughed, enjoyed being close and most importantly we listened to each other. Within the space of a few days we had reviewed and redefined the boundaries of our marriage, in a way which recognised the needs and feelings of each of us. I am not talking about the imposition of a narrow and suffocating set of rules, this was the sort of unity that enables each person to be who they are, while respecting the needs and feelings of the other. When we got back from holiday we were determined to nurture our relationship, by making time to be together and to have fun, even when that means taking a few hours away from the demands of family and household responsibilities. So far we have managed to do that and it has been really good. So here comes the 'but'. In every relationship there are issues that are guaranteed to cause friction and things that the one partner does that the other is uncomfortable about. I am sure Robbie could provide a long list of things that I do that annoy him, but for me the one thing that bothers me far more than any of the other things is his involvement in the union. I mind for lots of reasons; he has taken on far more than it is reasonable for one person to do and I think he is spreading himself too thin. I don't like the union, I think they talk a lot of nonsense and I think they have changed him in a way that is deeply unattractive. More than anything else I don't like the union taking away our family time, I don't like the way they behave and I think it has led him to make some very poor choices. Of course he would say that I was wrong on every count, but I am judging by actions not just words.
I'd had issues in the past, especially when he went to Dublin earlier in the year, but we had put those behind us, so I didn't have too many concerns about him going on a training course on Thursday. Unfortunately things went down hill from there, he promised that he would ring me in the evening, so after work I looked forward to his call, I didn't want to ring him because I wasn't sure what he would be doing and I didn't want to interrupt. The call didn't come so eventually I took the phone to bed with me and read a book while I was waiting. I must have fallen asleep because I was woken soon after 2am by a text arriving. It was the briefest text informing me that he had been out and was going to bed. I was really hurt, how much effort would it have taken to make a quick phone call at some point during the evening. The final straw came in the morning when he compounded the problem by not ringing me. When I finally spoke to him he said that he had forgotten about me, poor choice of words perhaps, but that was the final straw - I would never forget about him!! An argument followed and small as this incident was it had tipped the balance for me and I gave him the choice - me or the union. Robbie has always been a slow learner, he chose the union! Lets just say that Friday wasn't a pleasant day for either of us. I walked around the house thinking how much space I would have if I got rid of all his junk and he spent the day telling me that I was totally unreasonable. It was stalemate! Robbie has never understood that when in a hole you should stop digging. He decided to 'light the blue touch paper' by leaving a comment on facebook agreeing that the course was fantastic, I am not sure if it was the comment that annoyed me most or the fact that the woman whose status he was responding to had a rather dubious, near naked profile photo! If I was angry before I was furious after that! Saturday morning dawned and Robbie's negating style of giving no ground and and insisting that I was totally unreasonable was making matters worse. I will not say how he won me over but if he tried that tactic on anyone else I would kill him!! The result is that he has agreed to give up most of his union work by November and I have agreed to accept him keeping the health and safety stuff. This brings us back to the level of involvement that he had when we got married. He is not entirely forgiven but we are working on it!!
I felt really exhausted all weekend, not exactly ill, but not exactly on top form either. Despite frequent shopping trips last week we had to do yet another supermarket shop on Saturday. We must have locusts in the kitchen - on second thoughts maybe it is just Robbie! Anyway I very reluctantly set out for Morrisons on Saturday afternoon, it is always a bit of a challenge shopping with Robbie, but even he seemed to realise that arguing about the size of the tomato sauce bottle or the shape of the washing up liquid container could prove dangerous.
One look at the car park told me that the world and his wife had chosen exactly that time to go shopping too. Once inside it was as if they were all involved in a conspiracy to get in my way and generally obstruct my shopping in every way possible. To say it was a frustrating experience is a massive understatement - it was torture. Maybe some simple rules would help to make shopping less fraught for everyone, here are my suggestions.
1) A one way system inside the store would ease the flow of traffic
2) A basic level of competence should be required before permitting anyone to be in charge of a trolley
3) There should be a surcharge on people shopping with disruptive children
4) There should be a secure area to park bewildered or annoying husbands and partners
5) Causing an obstruction by stopping to have a conversation, careless trolley parking etc should result in penalty points and fixed term banning orders for persistent offenders.
6) Financial incentives and free transport should be provided to encourage OAP's to shop on quieter days
7) People with pull along shopping trolleys should be shot! No, seriously there should be a secure parking place for them and they should not be allowed in the store.
8) Finally, young checkout staff should be taught the difference between ten pin bowling and gently moving the shopping passed the scanner to the bagging area!
OK, I was only joking, but they could do lots to make shopping a little more tolerable.
Robbie was well behaved until we got to the checkout. As usual he got all possessive about loading the items ready for scanning and he had a bit of a strop when I insisted that he had to do it mainly by weight so that the heaviest bags ended up at the bottom of the trolley and the lighter items would not get squashed. He wants to pack by food groups and it just doesn't work because I can't organise the trolley properly. I know he is unique, that's part of the attraction, but just occasionally it would make life easier if he could do a simple job in an uncomplicated way!
