In Need of an Off Switch!

I love Robbie very much and mostly I like having him working from home, but I have my limits and just occasionally I need a bit of time on my own. I need peace and quiet, time to think and to process my own thoughts without someone talking non stop at the side of me. 

On Wednesday Robbie really seemed to have his talking boots on. During the morning I was trying to focus on several important things that I needed to do, but I couldn't concentrate because Robbie kept talking. He keeps returning to the subject of the Sky box and the possibility of moving to Virgin for our television, internet and phone. I am very reluctant to move and I told him 'loud and clear' that pestering me is not going to make me change my mind. After a few brief moments of quiet he was at it again, and we leapt from one subject to the next without stopping for breath. Much of the conversation was about his work in one way or another, but eventually he settled on the subject of irritating people - and as I listened to him I was mentally adding to my own list of annoying people!!

We had lunch at Morrisons with my mum and step father, it is nice to spend an hour or so with them during the week. We chatted about all sorts of things as we ate, but Robbie was making me feel exhausted because he didn't even stop for breath.  He had returned to the subject of our television and Internet provider his voice seemed louder than usual and he didn't pay any attention to my hints so I had to tell him point blank to stop talking. That worked for a few seconds but then he 'defaulted' to his specialist subject (trains) and off we went again. I wanted to scream at him to shut up but I managed to control the impulse and settled for a withering look instead.

Robbie was aware that I had some shopping to do, but as we finished eating he told me to get a move on because he needed a lift to the station to catch the 13.55 train. The urge to harm him was almost too much for me to resist! He had talked non stop all morning but he had not bothered to share the one piece of relevant information, that he needed a lift to the station just before 2pm. Having had a brief but meaningful exchange of views, we ran around the supermarket to get the absolute essentials and met up again at the till. I was still livid and when Robbie told me that he thought I would have know what time he needed to be at the station, I informed him very firmly that I am not Mystic Meg. The woman in front of us in the queue gave me a knowing smile and let us go in front of her as we only had a few items.

I had to hurry to get him to the station on time and I wasn't taking too much notice of Robbie. Then I realised that he was talking about 'Percy' and I was completely mystified. The only 'Percy' that I know of is the one that gets 'pointed at the porcelain' so when Robbie started talking about 'web Percy' and 'normal Percy' I had no idea what he was on about. I should have left it like that but I was unwise enough to ask what he meant. He told me that PERCY is a computer program that DfT and train operators use to check that they are meeting existing franchise commitments. He gave me more detail and I got the feeling that he could have talked for a lot longer but thankfully we arrived at the station on time and he had to dash off to catch his train. At last I had a few minutes peace! 

A new version of the Cossack Dance

I have written before about Robbie's tendency to 'dance' with fury when I irritate him. When he is cross with me and he tries to express his opinion he does this strange thing where he puts his hands on his hips and keeps bending his knees. Then as he warms to his theme he starts flapping his arms and then thrusting one arm forward to emphasise his argument. I sometimes struggle not to laugh because if it was speeded up a bit it really would look like a Cossack dance. I wrote about it way back in 2007 after a particularly frustrating morning with Robbie.

"Now to explain this morning's upset. We got up in good time and Robbie had as long as he needed in the bathroom, so things were going well. Considering they only have fractionally more to wash than women, I can't understand why men need to take so long in the bathroom!

The trouble started when we got to the station, Robbie went to get the parking ticket. I realised that he had brought his rucksack, I attempted to lift it and found that it contained a hundredweight of work documents as well as, diary, ipod, magazines, snacks and all the 'essentials' to deal with any conceivable railway emergency! Samuel has an unhealthy attachment to his rucksack too, he hates to be parted from it, but he has Asperger's Syndrome, Robbie is allegedly normal!

I took his ipod, pager and sweets out of his rucksack and put them in my handbag. When he returned I refused to let him take his rucksack. He would look ridiculous with a suit and a rucksack, I didn't want him to look like a Sherpa! Robbie went mad and had a full scale tantrum in the car park. I won the first round and he thundered off with what I can only describe as a cross between a stomp and a shuffle - if it had been speeded up it would have looked like a Cossack dance!  He was impossible and he continued the argument on the train, I was tempted to tip my hot chocolate over him, but it was too expensive to waste. It took him until almost lunchtime to recover his temper - so much for Valentine's Day!"

Last night I woke at about 3am when Robbie shouted out and then leapt out of bed. I am not at my best at 3am and it took me a while to become fully awake and make sense of what was happening in the bedroom. The first thing that I became aware of was torrent of swear words fired through the darkness like a volley of gunfire. As my eyes got used to the darkness I saw the silhouette of Robbie over by the bedroom door. As well as the copious swearing he appeared to be going through a series of jerky movements. I hadn't been too surprised by the swearing, after all this is a man who frequently talks to his socks and underwear in the middle of the night (he always has to put his clothes for the next day in the dark because he waits until I have gone to bed - and he always wakes me up!). I gradually interpreted the jerky movements, he was bending forwards and sticking one leg out as if he was pushing his heel into the floor, it looked like a robot doing a Cossack dance, but it was cramp and Robbie was in agony!

I felt so useless because nothing that I could say or do would help. He often gets cramp at night, but I think the pain was more severe last night. It is scary to see him in so much pain                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realise you've overslept.

I spent most of Friday getting ready to go out on a train on Saturday. So by Friday evening we had a massive picnic ready to take with us, my netbook was packed in my rucksack, my camera was charged and everything was ready for an early start. At least I thought everything was ready, but there was just one thing I had overlooked – Robbie! He was still awake when I went to bed but when the alarm clock went off at a stupidly early hour he was sound asleep next to me and he refused to wake up. I tried and tried but it was impossible, he didn’t wake up but when prodded he produced a selection of grunts and insults. In the end I gave up and let him sleep. When he woke up he was very cross with me. We were too late for the train we planned to catch but we made the best of the day and with a trip to Plymouth on an HST. I always enjoy the views as we pass the sea wall at Dawlish. It was a very exhausting day, we didn’t get home until almost 11pm and by then the roles were reversed, I was asleep on my feet but Robbie was wide awake!

Hearing is one of the body's five senses. But listening is an art. - Frank Tyger

When people ask me why I write the blog, I often tell them that if I didn't write about it I would probably kill Robbie. That is just a joke, I love Robbie very much and I would never do anything to hurt him, but there is some truth in the idea that writing about an issue is a way of processing it. I have written a blog for at least 10 years and even before that I wrote about my life in letters and diaries. Looking back it is true that at some points it was a way of helping me through the difficult times, but mostly it was a way of enjoying and preserving the special little moments of life. This little moment came from March 2004 when my son was 9


"This morning was a bit of a challenge; 'nameless son' had his usual tummy ache and was even more reluctant than usual to get ready for school. He had tried to draw my attention to his suffering and became frustrated when I hardly noticed. In the end we were treated to one of his Royal Shakespeare Company performances. He clutched his tummy, sagged at the knees and writhed around on his back like a dying wasp. After all that he went to school and survived the day with no ill effects


My Galaxy went back to the Ford garage for them to put right what they should have done in the first place. I went out early to check that it was all neat and tidy, just as well really because I found a very lifelike gun under the seat – left by a certain young spy! It could have given someone a nasty shock.

Today is unusual in that the subject of the blog is something that hurts me very much but something that seems to cause great amusement to other people. I have some hearing loss, caused by a serious ear infection called labyrinthitis which I had more than 15 years ago. It left me with some nasty symptoms including spinning vertigo and balance problems. Over the years my brain had found ways to compensate for the balance problems most of the time, but the vertigo has become part of everyday life. The balance problems are worse when I am tired or unwell. At first I didn't notice the hearing loss - but other people did! It seems to have got worse over the years and after much nagging by my family, I saw a hearing specialist at the hospital. By then I had accepted that I have a problem, but I was shocked to find that nothing can be done about it. Apparently it is due to nerve damage and it can't be helped or put right. I know that I have no right to moan, I can hear and my problems are trivial compared to many others, but it is a struggle at times. It makes it hard for me to do certain things at work and my family get very cross when I don't hear them.

The other day Robbie was talking to me as we walked along outside, he was slightly ahead of me and there was no way that I could hear him. I asked him to repeat himself and he got cross, I explained that I couldn't hear and he told me to "try harder". I was really hurt, I know he didn't really mean it, he was just cross, but it sums up the way most people respond to my hearing loss. I get teased about it, it is a bit of a joke or people just get cross when I get things wrong. I wouldn't dream of telling Robbie to try harder when he is in pain and I hope I would never laugh at or about a persons disability. So why is hearing loss funny? It really doesn't feel very amusing from my point of view.

'The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.' George Bernard Shaw

The Friday Night Fiasco

Robbie is making himself feel at home in the dog house, after the Friday night fiasco he is likely to be there for the foreseeable future. On Friday morning he set off for an appointment somewhere far away. I can't remember where he said he was going, but I distinctly remember that he didn't say a word about the possibility of being late home. He didn't contact me all day, so at about 5pm I sent him a text. When he had not responded by 6.30pm I phoned him, but he ignored the call. Hours passed, his dinner was put in the dog and I got on with my evening. Eventually he sent a text with the exact time of his arrival at Northampton. I took this as a request for a lift, I sat there waiting for him and he went straight past heading for the bus station. I can't tell you exactly what I said to him, but it caused him to turn back and get a lift. He even insisted on stopping to buy chips at 11pm! To say I was unimpressed doesn't even come close. Out of the last 5 days he has been seriously late home 3 times, even Network Rail can do better than that in terms of punctuality!

Keep on Digging

Robbie managed to wreck the weekend again, I don't think it is so unreasonable to look forward to spending a whole weekend with him, but one way or another it never happens. I was annoyed that he went out on Friday evening and I was asleep before he got home. True to form when he found himself in a hole he just kept on digging, it was like living wit Mr Angry. It took him until Sunday afternoon to apologise for being so impossible and by then the weekend was gone. I knew the old Robbie was back when in the evening we had one of his famous random remarks, he informed me that a certain type of sloth only needs to go to the toilet once every four days. My life is so much better for knowing that! The girls are almost as bad as Robbie, he went on to say that the sloth moves so slowly that moss grows on it. Emily then informed us that there are no green mammals, but Laura insisted that poorly people go green! I give up, I'm outnumbered!

Throwing His Toys Out of the Pram

To say that I am angry is a huge understatement. Robbie was home late last night because he had been to the North, I messed up my evening in order to pick him up and everything was fine - until we got home! An innocent remark about his bookcase caused him to throw his toys out of the pram. The bookcase is already full and groaning under the weight of books and a simple request not to load any more books on to it was all it took for Robbie to fizz up and bang. Anyway he clamped on his headphones, plugged himself into his laptop and tried to annoy me with his music that was so loud it spilled out int the room. Failing to get a reaction he turned to Facebook and advertised for a good home for all his railway books, my comment that he should grow up prompted him to add his model deltics to the list (because I had bought them for him). I am not sure how he thought getting rid of that much clutter was going to hurt me, but I was sick of his childish games and decided not to succumb to the temptation to advertise 'Annoying husband free to a good home'. I gave up and went to bed and the silence has been 'golden' ever since! He must know he was being ridiculous and regret his actions because he deleted his facebook comments, but so far the 's' word has eluded him!

Mr Impossible

During last week Robbie mentioned that he would like to travel on the last HST to Newquay on Saturday and he asked if Sam would like to go with him. Sam had a better offer for Saturday and he wasn't interested in going on a train, but I said that I would think about going with him. On Friday between all my other jobs I went out and bought soft drinks, bread rolls, sandwich fillings and various other packed lunch treats for the train. Oddly when Robbie got home he didn't seem to want me to go with him, he kept reminding me that I don't like HST's and that I would need to take a footstool. In the end I said that if he didn't want me to go I wouldn't go, he then said that he did want me to go, I was totally confused and said I didn't know.

I went to bed at half past midnight and as soon as I got into bed Robbie decided that he had to ransack the bedroom looking for his yellow T-shirt, because (allegedly) he always wears yellow when travelling on an HST – whatever! I got cross and told him to go away, he'd had all evening to sort out his clothes and I was not being unreasonable by wanting to sleep at well past midnight. I don't recall seeing him again, I must have fallen asleep. I went to the bathroom at about 5am and when I got back into bed I prodded him and said that he would soon need to get up. I went back to sleep and when I awoke it was nearly 7am and the room was deserted – he had gone without me!! I was furious, he could have at last woken me and asked if I wanted to go, I was really hurt. He always wakes me up even when he doesn't intend to, so he must have sneaked out really quietly to avoid taking me with him. He didn't wear a yellow top (he thinks I have stolen it), he wore black with luminous green writing instead!

I had plenty to keep me busy all day but I was so angry with Robbie. As always when he is in trouble he stopped answering his phone, so I didn't know what time to expect him back, it must have been after 11pm because I had already gone to bed. He did wake me up when he came to bed but that was much later, I think it was getting towards 4am!
He apologised this morning, but it didn't last long, he had a full scale tantrum because I bought three new knives (to replace some missing ones) without consulting him, and they do not quite match our set. He yelled at me all because of three knives that cost less than £1!

We also had a heated argument about London Midland and their problems. I can't imagine why anyone wants to travel on lurid green trains anyway, but I am fairly sure that the company could have resolved this months ago because the contracts need to be changed to accommodate the needs of the business. It really infuriates me that neither side in the dispute show any regard for the public. The union spokesman needs an urgent course in basic English (not to mention a Gok Wan style makeover!) and the spokesman for the company was totally unintelligible - I found myself wondering if he even knew what a train was! I can understand why they seem unable to negotiate about Sunday working, with both sides in the same room it must be like Bill and Ben meets the Clangers!

So having hardly seen Robbie all weekend he is sitting in the corner playing his music so loudly that I want to go and punch him on the nose. I will resist the temptation. I will go to bed to listen to my radio instead – at least I can get some sensible conversation from Radio 4!

Target Practice

I can't cope with the shower not working, yesterday evening with Robbie was not a joyful experience, it was like Bazil Fawlty crossed with The Tasmanian Devil! It was so bad that I even offered to take him to my mum's to have a shower. He refused because he has to have his shower at 5am, he allows three and a half minutes to shower and one and a half minutes to dry himself so he can't fit the journey to my mum's house into the timetable! He'd better get it sorted soon because I really will harm him if he is not very careful!

Anyway after his bad behaviour yesterday, he had to make a bit of an effort to get back into my good books, but only Robbie would use a line like this as a sign of affection. His exact words to me this evening were "did you know, today was the start of the partridge shooting season?" If I had a gun I can assure you it would not be trained on any partridges, I have a much larger target in mind!!

Giong Comando - A Scary Thought!

On Sunday night I went to bed at at about 12.20am and Robbie assured me that he wouldn't be far behind. It was the usual story, I stayed awake, he didn't come to bed and I fell asleep. Suddenly I was aware of him shouting, he was really angry and moaning that he had no clean pants for the morning. I told him that they were in the pile of folded laundry that I gave him earlier, and there was at least enough pairs of pants for a week. He argued and insisted that there were no pants and he would have to go without. I was equally sure that the pants were exactly where I said they were. It was well past 2pm and I begged Robbie to shut up, but he was warming to his theme and he intended to list the many ways that I was neglecting him. Nothing I could say or do would make him shut up, and I was so annoyed about being woken up that I was ready to harm him. There was no alternative, I got up and went to sit in the bathroom to listen to the radio for a bit. When I got back he was still awake and I made it clear that if he spoke to me again I would go and sleep downstairs. He didn't speak, but he 'breathed aggressively' until he fell asleep and started snoring. I was awake for ages, then when I had got to sleep again it was time to get up! All that fuss about missing knickers! In the morning I made him look again at the pile of clean folded laundry and there were the pants, exactly where I said they were. That man is impossible sometimes!

In the Dark

Words fail me. I am absolutely furious with Robbie. He went out yesterday and he came back with such a bad back that he didn't know what to do with himself, but he insisted on going to work today despite being in agony. I told him that one day of now to deal with the pain may prevent a longer absence later if he tries to keep going and does further damage. I should have saved my breath, I have had more meaningful conversations with with a goldfish!

In the course of conversation this morning he let slip that he was going away tomorrow until Thursday! I was really cross, he should have told me about it well in advance. He promised me that he would do all sorts of outstanding jobs if I let him go out this weekend, I let him go out but none of the jobs got done. So now he will go away tomorrow, turn up late on Thursday, go away again on Friday and not return until Sunday. He needs to watch out or he may find that I can manage without him! Mostly I am cross because he didn't tell me about his plans, I am not a mushroom and I don't appreciate being kept in the dark.

Everyone Has Limits!

Robbie had a very bad day on Sunday. We had to get up early to go and get the dog from the kennels and I decided to take the other car, but I asked Robbie to bring both car keys with us. It was a reasonably long drive because the kennels is near Milton Keynes and Robbie talked non stop about trains, including a very odd statement about a Pendolino 'sitting down'. It was lovely to get Meg back, but the journey home was hot and uncomfortable. We arrived home to find ourselves locked out because Laura was out and the other key that I had asked Robbie to bring was locked inside the house! I had to drive all the way to my mum's to get the spare key. In the afternoon he kept me waiting outside Tesco for an hour and a half, he should have only bought a few essential food items, but he 'accidentaly' went shopping for clothes! I was not amused, in fact I was furious. He did say he was sorry, but he didn't seem very sorry and when he moved my cleaning stuff that evening and then mocked me for getting cross, he ended up wearing a cup of tea! I did regret it, it was a waste of good tea, but everyone has limits – even me!