When I was a very young child I enjoyed stories about a magical little man called Mr Pink-whistle who had all sorts of adventures because he could make himself invisible. I liked to imagine all the mischief that it would be possible to get up to if I was invisible. In books and comics invisibility is a common theme, from the Invisible Woman, the first female superhero created by Marvel (who just happens to be as old as me) to Harry Potter and his cloak of invisibility, the ability to disappear has brought them power, excitement and adventure. People will tell you that in real life it is not possible to become invisible, but it is, the difference is that in real life it is a very lonely and isolating experience.
There is a dutch artist called Desiree Palmen who creates amazing phots of invisible peope. I like the pictures, because they express visually how I feel sometimes, not exactly invisible, but not quite there, perhaps the right term would be overlooked. An infection in my inner ear left me with balance problems, dizziness and slight hearing loss. It has been like that for years and I cope quite well most of the time, but I don't cope well with crowds or noisy environments. I am used to the dizziness but sometimes in crowded places I feel very unsteady and vulnerable, it is almost like a shrinking feeling. It reminds me of Mrs Peperpot a storybook character created by Alf Prøysen who never knows when she is going to shrink.
The other day a friend of mine asked "if I ceased to exist would it matter?". She was not threatening to end it all, she was just feeling invisible and she was posing a very important question. I know quite a lot of 'invisible' people, people who for various reasons struggle to fit in. For some struggling with a disability makes them feel isolated especially when it is a hidden disability that is not understood by others. Mental health problems can be especially isolating and some people who are weighed down by worries, fears or sadness feel that life is going on around them but nobody knows or cares about them.
We all take life for granted until something puts our future or the future of someone that we love at risk. Then we suddenly review our values and we realise that the things that the world thinks are important don't really matter at all and we learn to value the little things and the things that do not have a price tag such as love, friendship, time, health, warmth, sunshine and freedom. It is true that each life is just a tiny insignificant speck in the sands of time and that when someone dies the world carries on just as before. However the answer to my friend's question is yes, it would matter if she or any of those invisible people ceased to exist.
It would matter to everyone who loves them and cares about them. A person who ceased to exist would live on in the memory of every life that they touched, and most people touch many lives in one way or other. Someone who had hurt or wronged them would never be able to ask forgiveness or put things right and they would have to carry that guilt through life. If someone ceased to exist, the good that they may do in the future would not happen. They could not pass on the wisdom that they had gained from their life experiences or prevent others from making the same mistakes, they would not be there as living proof that you can get through the bad stuff. They could not encourage others or set an example for others. Finally if someone ceased to exist the people who love them would be devastated, they would always wonder 'what if ...' For some it may perhaps be one loss too many and the pain and grief may change their lives for ever.
So why am I writing about this? Partly because April is National Autism Awareness Month. I have close family members with autistic spectrum disorder and I know how confusing and isolating life can be at times. However I also know that he is interesting, clever, loving and very special. Don't miss out, look around you for the invisible people, don't be afraid of difference, please don't pass them by.
I was reading a thread on a forum the other day about the things that people are anal about, it made me laugh out loud because the very first post could have been describing Robbie.
"....he emerges from the bathroom holding the toothpaste asking who has failed to squeeze from the bottom of the tube!"
As I read on I realised that so many of the posts could have been describing Robbie. Someone wrote about their partner driving them mad by constant checking and commenting on railway and bus timetables. Surely there can't be anyone else as bad as Robbie for doing that - or do all train planners take their quail maps to bed with them?
Another common theme was having to have tea or coffee made in exactly the right way. Robbie is impossible about the way his coffee has to be made and he criticises me every time I make coffee for him, so I find it easier to let him make it himself.
Robbie even has strong opinions about the loo roll! According to him it unrolls more efficiently if the end is on top rather than underneath. I don't think I even notice which way round it is, why would anyone obsess about anything so trivial?
In the interest of fairness I should perhaps admit to the one thing mentioned that I am obsessive about - black ink! Blue ink should never ever be used, black
looks so much nicer. Robbie is into pens in a big way, especially Parker pens, he could talk forever about all the different designs - and if anyone borrows his pens it is a hanging offence!
When I first met Robbie I thought it was odd that he counted the stairs every time he went up or down, but I soon realised that was mild, Robbie counts everything. This evening I caught him counting the increasing revs on the washing machine spin cycle, he could tell the speed just by listening to it and when it reached the maximum speed of 1400 he got so excited - seriously weird and more than a little autistic!
Robbie (as you may have noticed) can be a bit irritating at times. He has to do things his way and if I deviate from the plan (which only exists in his head) he becomes completely irrational and I always end up having to do it his way just to shut him up. It can be very simple things like how I set the plates out when I am dishing up our evening meal or how I load the trolley when we are shopping, I could go on ....and on, but I'm sure you get the idea. About once a week Robbie gives his "no, I'm not autistic" speech this always ends with him telling me that he is incredibly 'normal' compared to everyone else in the rail industry. Incredible as that sounds I haven't yet met anyone who has disproved his theory!
At the weekend the rain was responsible for a full scale tantrum from Robbie. I took him to Tesco's in the rain and when I turned the engine off the wipers were in the out position rather than tidily in the off position. He couldn't cope, he demanded that I turned the car back on so that I could put the wipers straight. When I refused he ranted, folded his arms, stuck out his lower lip like a sulky child and finally stomped off into the shop still muttering that it was simply wrong!
The rain has quite a lot to answer for, Robbie has decided that he would look good in a raincoat or to be blunt about it - a flasher mac. He even sent me the link to it on the M&S website and he was devastated when I burst out laughing and told him he couldn't possibly wear that! Poor old Robbie, he will have to be disappointed because there is no way that I am going to let him wear that!
