My mum once told me that when it comes to men what you see is what you get, trying to change them just leads to frustration and disappointment. Judge Judy expressed it rather more eloquently when she said "Don't try to teach a pig to sing because it wastes your time and it annoys the pig"
From the time we first met it was obvious that I was not going to be able to change Robbie significantly (I'm not even sure that I wanted to) so over time I have adapted to his many idiosyncrasies and his need to stick to routines and do things his way. It is only when his routines get changed that I notice his funny little ways and even then it sometimes takes someone else to point it out.
Yesterday Robbie had meetings in Milton Keynes so he didn't need set out at his usual time. We had talked about it and I was going to drop him off at the station after taking Sam to school and before dropping Emily off at work. He could fit into their schedule without us needing to make any adjustments - at least that was the plan. Robbie is not the only person in our family with odd little ways and rigid routines!
I had been pottering around upstairs enjoying the luxury of a little extra time and when I went downstairs I expected to see everyone dressed an almost ready to go. Sam and Emily sat next to each other on the sofa with their coats and bags, like anxious patients in a dentist's waiting room. Both had their eyes firmly fixed on Robbie who stood near the dining table not quite dressed and looking far from ready. His bag was open and the contents had been taken out and piled up around it. Robbie, who showed no sense of urgency was busy sharpening pencils! At first I said nothing but as time went on his lack of progress began to worry me, he was going to make us late.
Emily looked as if she was ready to explode and when he picked up a fourth pencil and began to sharpen it she asked if that was really the best use of his time at that moment. With clear irritation Robbie told her that he had to do it now because he didn't want to take the pencil sharpener with him. He always stuffs his bag with a load of junk, so I don't think a tiny little sharpener would make much difference. We went out and waited for him in the car and eventually he emerged dressed and ready to go. Clearly it is very important to have plenty of lead in your pencil when visiting Milton Keynes!
I am used to Robbie's random comments, but he still manages to surprise me. This morning in bed he snuggled up next to me and asked if I remembered the kind of knitting needle holders they had in the 1970's. I made the mistake of saying that I didn't remember anything about knitting in the 1970's, so he embarked on a detailed account of knitting needle storage containers. I was just contemplating murder when he distracted himself by remembering those plastic pencil cases on the shape of a large pencil. That led on to memories of his childhood pencil cases, then he got very excited as he described his favourite ruler and before I could stop it he was talking about his eraser collection again! This is far too random even by Robbie's standards.
The fact that Robbie has survived unharmed for 36 years is one of life's enduring mysteries. Sometimes he infuriates me so much that the urge to harm him is almost irresistible. The trouble is that he has no sense of danger, Robbie will 'boldly go' where angels fear to tread. When he got home from work on Monday he wandered into the kitchen to find out what was for dinner, within seconds he was telling me that I was doing things wrong! My warning stare didn't work and when he attempted to tell me how to do something else I couldn't contain my frustration, I stormed out of the kitchen and told him that if he knew so much he could finish cooking the meal himself. I went back a few minutes later because he can't make the gravy, but he was still trying to tell me that his way was the best way. He was standing there in his PJ's and I was armed with a scalding hot jug of gravy, only an act of supreme self mastery on my part prevented me from tipping the gravy straight down the front of his trousers!
Yesterday I played safe and made a chicken casserole so that by the time Robbie arrived home there would be very to argue about. Emily needed a lift so I planned to drive her to the station and then take Robbie home. I made the dumplings before leaving the house, but thankfully I left them on a plate ready to put in when I arrived home and I turned the oven down slightly. When Robbie got into the car his first sentence was to request that I would take him to Staples. I asked if we could do it another day because our meal was almost ready, but apparently it was an emergency - he needed to buy a new pencil! I took him to Staples and I'm please to report that he now has a pencil with lead in it! Thankfully our meal survived the delay.
I went to bed fairly late, I was tired and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. Sometime later 'Thunder Foot' came to bed. How hard can it be to slip into bed quietly without waking me up? In Robbie's case it appears to be impossible! He thumped and bumped around, talked to me, prodded me, flapped the covers about let the cold air in and worse of all he put the light on just to annoy me. You will not be surprised to hear that it worked! I was furious. Once again I was wide awake and it would take ages to get back to sleep, but within minutes 'Sleeping Beauty' was 'Z'ing away, oblivious of my simmering anger.
This morning I expected a 'sorry' and may be a bit of affection. Instead I was awoken by a searchlight and an inquisition, he was accusing me of stealing his knickers! I was quite insistent that I hadn't touched them but he wouldn't believe me. I was furious about not being believed, we are not exactly talking about the crown jewels here, I don't think there is a booming market in second hand drawers. To add insult to injury he then blamed Sam for stealing them - how ridiculous. If I find them before he does he'd better watch out because every pair will have a liberal sprinkling of itching powder inside!Just in case anyone is wondering, Robbie went to work fully clothed, including underwear. He had been looking for a specific pair, for some reason or other he had decided that he had to wear that pair today. He told me last night that he had to go on a site visit today and he needed to have a high visibility jacket and safety boots. Perhaps he thought he needed his lucky pants as well!
I have written about Robbie's obsession with pens and pencils many times, He is particularly attached to his propelling pencil and he always carries a little container with an ample supply of spare leads because he dreads being caught out with no lead for his pencil. I assume he uses it when doing his plans and timetables, I have never asked because I'm scared he would tell me - in detail!
Robbie stayed at home this afternoon because he was feeling unwell, but I had to pop out to see my mum for a couple of hours. When I returned he was in a state of confusion because he could not get his lead into his pencil. It seems a broken lead is stuck in it and it refuses to come out. When compared with the troubles of the world this a fairly minor matter, but Robbie has kept up a running commentary all evening on the state of the lead in his pencil. He has operated on it with a fine needle and other improvised tools, but still he has no lead in his pencil and I have no prospect of peace. I am faced with two choices, either I will have to harm him or I will have to go and buy him a new pencil!
I should be used to Robbie sharing random and distracting snippets of information. This after all is the man who announced to a full car that he had just bought a bulk supply of lead for his pencil because he didn't want to run out! It is hard to drive with tears in your eyes, sometimes they are tears of laughter but on other occasions they are tears of exasperation. As we drove to the supermarket on Saturday, Robbie informed me that he preferred the 'emergency' washing up liquid to our usual brand because it was more aesthetically pleasing. According to him the shape of the bottle 'worked' for him and he thought the diameter of the dispenser hole was perfect. Fair enough, but he had overlooked one thing, it is rubbish when it comes to washing up! He had a bit of a strop when I insisted on buying my usual brand, but when he didn't win the battle of the washing up liquid he turned his attention to other things. During the weekend he has provided a detailed analysis of why the packaging of Morrisons own brand baked beans is preferable to the Heinz version. Just in case I actually cared he also informed me that there have been subtle changes to the Kwik Fit logo! He's hard work sometimes!
My mum once told me that when it comes to men what you see is what you get, trying to change them just leads to frustration and disappointment. Judge Judy expressed it rather more eloquently when she said "Don't try to teach a pig to sing because it wastes your time and it annoys the pig"
