'....... A rare and gentle thing'

I started writing this on Saturday, so it relates to the last days of October.

It's been a strange week, the clocks went back last weekend and it has taken me most of the week to adjust my body clock. The weather  has been surprisingly warm and pleasant for the start of November so the darker evenings seem strangely out of place. The autumn has always been my least favourite time of the year, and the dark evenings with their reminder of the long winter months ahead have left me feeling a bit out of sorts. Robbie is working away at the moment so I only see him at the weekends, it's an arrangement that works well for both of us, but I miss him - there's a limit to the conversation skills of a cat, even an extremely eloquent one like Dave. Our family has a huge black cloud hanging over us at the moment, something which I don't feel able to discuss in detail on the blog but it makes thinking ahead very difficult. I have plenty of work and other responsibilities to keep me busy and usually I am quite good at living in the present, but the dark evenings and the challenges of this week have got the better of me. 

It may not mean much to anyone else but something happened on Wednesday morning which felt like a sign of hope. When I woke up I became aware of a slight fluttering which was odd as I hadn't left the bedroom window open. I realised that there was a butterfly in the bedroom and it had settled on Robbie's bedside table. It stayed there for a while and then it settled on the net curtain so I opened the window for it to go out when it was ready. I got on with my morning routine and didn't go back into the bedroom for an hour or so, I expected that the butterfly would have gone on its way but I was surprised to see that were now two butterflies on the window. I don't remember having a butterfly in my bedroom before and I'm certain that there have never been two. In fact I don't recall seeing a butterfly so late in the year. I managed to get a photo of the first one, I think it's a Small Tortoiseshell, the photo quality is not very good but it was nice to be able to see it close up, it was beautiful, so fragile with the delicate colouring of a watercolour painting.

      

“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you” - Nathaniel Hawthorne

Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice - George Jackson

Some things are incredibly hard to write about because they are too painful. Such things can leave you feeling diminished and powerless, a shadow of your real self. It is not a good place to be and when you are feeling at your lowest it is almost impossible to gather all your strength and courage to decide that enough is enough and to take a step towards putting things right. At such times it is hard to believe that anything you do will make the slightest difference, but one thing is certain, doing nothing is not an option.


We have faced a situation like that over the last few months. It has been very hard to just keep putting one foot in front of the other to face each day because it seemed that each day brought new difficulties. I am very proud of Robbie, as if coping with near constant pain isn't hard enough he has faced these difficulties, done the right thing and hopefully now after months of worry we can see light at the end of the tunnel. We still have a way to go, but at least we now have reason to hope. My message to anyone else facing a difficult situation or being treated unfairly, is to be strong (I know it is much easier said than done) and not to give up however impossible your situation seems. Stand up for what is right, it will make you feel better and it may enable others to do the same.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain  

Last of the Summer Sun

When I went to the supermarket earlier this week, it felt as if I had taken a step back to early August. It was very hot with bright sunshine and and everyone was wearing short sleeved tops. To my surprise it has remained and sunny ever since. Of course looks can be deceiving, it may be hot in the middle of the day, but the early morning is dark and distinctly nippy and the long summer evenings have been chased away by the encroaching autumn darkness. I am always pleased to see the sun, but in a way the sunny days this week are a sad reminder of all that has gone. Was it really six weeks ago that we were on holiday in Norfolk? 

I love the summer, I don't need the weather to be too hot, just warm and comfortable, but mostly I love the long days and warm pleasant evenings. I think my favourite month is May when there are so many wild flowers and it warm with long lazy evenings and the summer stretches ahead of us. September is my least favourite month, it feels as if the darkness closes in around us with dark mornings and encroaching darkness in the evening with the promise of worse to come. We all have little triggers that remind us of past sadness and for me it is the sound of conkers falling to the ground from Horse Chestnut Trees. I remember the excitement of getting up early to go and collect conkers when I was little and I did the same when my children were little, so there are some good memories. However they are overshadowed by the memory of sitting in a hospital room, looking out at the beautiful grounds and hearing the conkers fall from the trees with a thud on to the grass below. In the quiet of the night the thud of the conkers falling seemed very loud. How odd that something so insignificant can sound so loud when a human life can slip away noiselessly.

In The Dark

Coming second in favour of a train in Robbie's affections wasn't such a big surprise, but last night I found that I came second to Network Rail - now that was a surprise! He'd promised to be home by 8pm but there was no sign of Robbie, just a text to say he wouldn't be too late; it's a good thing that the cat is good company or I would start to feel neglected! I lost track of time and when I looked at the clock it was well past 11pm, so I expect him to ring fairly soon asking for a lift from the station. Some time later the phone rang, it was Robbie, but he was totally incoherent, I couldn't make sense of anything he was saying. When I had calmed him down and reminded him of the need to take a breath it became clear that he was lost. He had set out to walk to Birmingham International Station, but the route he knew was locked and in the course of searching for another way into the station he had got lost. I gave him some practical things to do and when he rang me back he had got to the station but by then he had missed his last train. There was one last train to Coventry due soon after midnight, so we agreed that he would get that and then get a taxi from Coventry to Rugby.

While the intrepid traveller was tackling the next stage of his journey, I set out for Rugby in the car. It was a very strange journey, familiar routes seem so different in the dark. I got to Rugby just before 1am and I didn't have to wait too long for Robbie to turn up. He seemed very subdued, maybe he expected me to be angry, but it seemed pointless to be cross, after all he didn't do it on purpose. We saw two foxes on the way back as well as other assorted wildlife, but the only thing I was interested in seeing was my bed. It was almost 2am when we finally got home, Robbie made me a cup of tea, but I was so tired that I was asleep before the tea arrived.

When the alarm clock went off at 5am I was so sleepy that I really didn't want to get up, but Robbie was determined not to be late for his meeting - with Network Rail. After last night I think they must be extending their sphere of influence, I have become accustomed to their various strategies to delay trains and inconvenience passengers, but they managed to delay Robbie before he even got to the train!

Missing at Midnight.

Last night I was just finishing off my work at about 11pm when Robbie said he would go out and sort out the car. There was very little to be done and it should have taken him about 5 minutes at most, but I didn't take much notice until just before midnight when he still had not come in. I looked out of the window, but it was dark with no sign of any movement. I went out and walked round to the car, I could see Robbie sitting in the back seat and he didn't seem to be moving. When I opened the door he seemed to jump, he hadn't done anything to the car, but he said he was trying to trace a bad smell. I knew that was nonsense, the car smelled fine, he grudgingly admitted to the truth, he had gone out to the car, sat down and fallen asleep!