The first step, my son, which one makes in the world, is the one on which depends the rest of our days - Voltaire

I'd had a rather challenging time at work yesterday and by the time I got home I was exhausted. As I sat down on the sofa with a welcome cup of tea, my daughter looked up from marking a pile of exercise books and asked if my son had told me about Northampton - he hadn't. Her face was serious and I felt a jolt of dread inside me as I asked if he'd heard about his university interview. My daughter told me that he had, then it seemed as if time stood still as I waited for her to tell me more. Then suddenly she was speaking again and her words "he got an offer" echoed inside my head.

I was so pleased for my son. Of course it is only the first step, now he has to work hard and get the required grades as well as getting as much classroom experience as he can in the next few months. Where did all those years go, it doesn't seem possible that my son can be making plans to go to university! It makes me feel very old, but I am very proud of him.

"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."

Well, it is almost New Year again and very soon I will be heading for refuge in the bedroom, because I can't face almost two hours of Jools Holland (two minutes would be too much for me!). Robbie loves Hootenanny, so I leave him in peace to enjoy it while I enjoy an early night.

At this time of year it is traditional to make New Year Resolutions about things that we intend to change in our lives but usually I don't bother with such things. This year is different, this year I finally reached the point of saying enough is enough and standing up to a bully. For 27 years I have tolerated her insults, lies, criticism, and abuse I have finally given up. I tried my best but it was never good enough, I even made excuses for her behaviour, I thought that if I turned the other cheek and did my best to please her she would change. I was wrong of course I should have stood up to her years ago because she saw my kindness and my willingness to forgive as weakness, I was rewarding her bad behaviour. It is bad enough that she thought it was okay to treat me badly in so many different ways, but a few weeks ago she crossed a line and this time I will not forgive her, I will not let her hurt me and cast a shadow over my family any more. I felt sorry for her because had lost so much already, but, now she has lost everything. 

I hope she will live to regret her behaviour, but somehow I doubt it because she is just a bitter and twisted bully. I don't have room to hate her, I don't feel anything at all for her now except relief that I don't have to waste any more time on her. She has caused untold hurt to so many people but in the end she is the looser, she has alienated everyone and she faces a lonely and bitter future. As far as I am concerned she has been left firmly in the past and I look forward to the New Year thankful that I have the love and support of my family and friends

No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow. ~ Euripides

I'm not a great fan of new year celebrations, perhaps it is because I'm teetotal, or it could be because Robbie makes me endure New Years Eve with Jools Holland, but I think it is mostly because there is a certain sadness in leaving the past behind and looking forward to what the new year may hold. It is a time when we are reminded of those who will not be with us as we look ahead to 2013. Among them are actors and celebrities who brought us pleasure over the years, we may not know them personally but still we feel their loss and miss them. 

I was sorry to hear that Jack Klugman one of my favourite actors died on Christmas Eve and his death reminded me that when trying to explain to a friend that I am a bit out of touch when it comes to films and actors my son said "everyone that my mum likes is dead" and I have to admit that it is starting to feel like that. This year  we said farewell to Clive Dunn, Eric Sykes, Robin Gibb, Bob Holness, Whitney Houston, Davy Jones, Neil Armstrong, Larry Hagman and a number of others. It is sad to say goodbye, but I am grateful for the memories.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was - Irish Proverb

My son is making a film for his A level coursework and he wanted to incorporate video clips of him as a child, so on Sunday evening I sorted out the old video camera and we took a trip down memory lane.  It is a strange feeling, like looking through a window to the past, but I feel very lucky to have those memories. I watched my son aged about 5 or 6 wearing his Buzz Lightyear pyjamas, opening his birthday presents with his older sisters looking on. It was interesting to observe the dynamics when they were younger and to realise that they may have grown up, but the dynamics haven't changed very much. Next there were clips of all three children taking part in school and Music School concerts, it is confusing those images were so familiar, yet at the same time so remote, as if they happened in another lifetime. 


All this looking back on the past led me to wonder if it had been possible to tell back then how the children would develop and what paths they would chose to follow. I think to some degree the answer is yes, it was clear early on that my older daughter loved learning for it's own sake and it came as no surprise that her early  love of reading and writing developed into a passion for English. We knew early on that our second daughter would work hard to achieve her goals, she is ambitious and she has her father's love of life, she lives life to the full. Perhaps my son's future path was the most difficult to predict, he was always bright but his early ambition was to be a 'trolley pusher' at the supermarket and he resisted any attempt to change his mind. When my aunt suggested that perhaps he would like to be a vet he told her rather sternly that he liked animals from the outside but he didn't think he would like them from the inside! I guess there were indications early on that he would develop a passion for film, but it wasn't clear to me at the time. The thing that was obvious was that he needed to do things in his own unique way and to find his own direction. Perhaps that is the key to successful parenting, to give them as many opportunities and experiences as possible, to encourage and sometimes cajole, but to allow them the space to discover their own strengths. I don't think there are hard and fast rules when it comes to parenting, it is just a case of always doing your best even at those times when you don't think your best is good enough.

When one jumps over the edge, one is bound to land somewhere.

“When one jumps over the edge, one is bound to land somewhere.” – D. H. Lawrence

I found this quote while I was looking for something completely different. It stayed in my mind because it because it evokes an interesting image. It is self evident that a person who jumps over the edge will land somewhere, but it is not very reassuring. Most of us like a little more certainty, we need to know where we are heading. Taking a leap into the unknown is very scary but sometimes it is the right thing to do.


According to the National Trust young people are missing out on childhood adventures because they are not getting outside. In order to get children outdoors and to encourage a spirit of adventure they have come up with a list of 50 things to do before you are 11¾.

OK, I know it is a bit late for me, but it is an interesting list. I have done most of the things on the list and I had almost certainly ticked off most of them before the age of 11¾, I was a bit of a tomboy. There are a couple of things that I would add to the list. Shelling peas - and finding the occasional wriggling maggot inside. Making a den among the bales in the hay barn, that one is a lot harder these days because we don't have small bales any more, and it would almost certainly be contravene health and safety regulations.


The list led me to think of things that I should do before I get too old to manage it or too forgetful to remember it. I found all sorts of suggestions on the internet, but nothing really captured my imagination. Perhaps I have already got all the wacky, wild and weird things out of my system, or perhaps I am just plain boring. I think having Robbie in my life brings enough craziness to last a lifetime!I commented to my son that it would be fun to be an embarrassment to my children just once in my life. He gave me a long stare, raised one eyebrow and informed me that I could already tick that one off my list! 

I have no great desire to travel or to achieve anything spectacular. It would be nice to have a tidy house, that has been a work in progress for the last 20 years! Perhaps I will achieve it before I die. It would be nice to be debt free, another work in progress, at least the end of the mortgage is not too many years ahead. Robbie have always talked about having a VW camper van when we are older, it would give us the freedom to go wherever the mood takes us. Knowing Robbie we would never stray far from the railway. I have always dreamed of spending a whole summer (or even longer) by the sea. Perhaps that dream will come true one day, who knows. It is nice to dream, but long as my family are happy, healthy and safe I will be content. 

The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk - Jacqueline Schiff

The church in Abington Park 

Robbie and I don't manage long walks these days, but if you pace yourself it is surprising what you can do. We are so lucky to have a very beautiful park on our doorstep, whatever the season there is always beauty around. We always enjoy a visit to the park on crisp winter afternoons we retreat to the Park Cafe for a warming cup of coffee, but when the weather is kinder we prefer to sit on a bench watching the squirrels chase around under the trees or to sit by one of the lakes watching the ducks. If you are weighed down by the troubles of the world, watching ducks is the best medicine, you can't watch their antics without smiling.   

St Peter and St Paul Abington

The Church of St Peter and St Paul is at the heart of the park, it looked magnificent in the sunshine and we had to stop for a moment to take a photo. The trees look beautiful at this time of year, suddenly there is blossom and signs of new growth all around us. The park was busy with people having fun and enjoying a lovely spring afternoon, and as we walked I felt grateful to those people who cared enough to provide this wonderful park for the town all those years ago. I wonder what the people of my own time will pass on to future generations? We have a lot to live up to.

Enjoying the early spring sunshine

I hardly ever appear in photos on the blog, but this is a rare glimpse of me sitting on a bench with Robbie, enjoying an ice cream in the sunshine before heading home

Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together - Vista M. Kelly

Saturday afternoon brought snow, not just a flurry that didn't last, this was the determined kind that intended to stay. I'm not fond of snow because it makes all the ordinary but essential things such as going to work and shopping for food more difficult to do. By Sunday morning our world was covered in 4 inches of white and my car was lost under a shroud of snow. It took nearly 15 minutes to clean it off and get ready to drive. It was a bit of a challenge to get off the drive (and a bigger challenge to get back on) the side roads were a bit scary, but once I got on to the main roads it was OK.


I have to admit that a covering of snow makes our world look beautiful, and other members of the family had great fun in the snow.

The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show 

(author unknown)

Stopping to Look Both Ways

We have had a lovely Christmas this year, nice food to eat, nice presents, but most important of all we were able to enjoy time with the people we love. We always have good intentions but life can be so busy that far too long can slip by without us spending quality time with family and friends. So the Christmas break has been especially important to us, we have enjoyed special moments with our wider family. It is rare that we are all together at the same time so that makes it extra special. After all the activity and chaos of Christmas, Robbie and I appreciated a few days of quiet with nothing much to do and all day to do it. Usually our days start very early, so not being ruled by the alarm clock has been fantastic and I think it has done us both good to have time to unwind. Despite all the pre Christmas stress, I have really enjoyed this Christmas break and I will be sorry to see Robbie return to work tomorrow.


I am not a fan of new year celebrations. It always seems rather sad to be closing the door on the old year and I look ahead to the new year with a certain amount of trepidation, wondering what new worries and challenges it has in store. It is odd really as I am not a pessimist and I tend to take most of the ups and downs of life in my stride, I think mostly it is just fear of the unknown. Every year the world changes a little bit, situations change, new people come into our lives and some become very important, and sadly other people are lost from our lives. As the year draws to a close we remember the familiar faces no longer with us who have brightened our lives in various ways. We may not know them personally but we are touched by their loss and we will miss them. Perhaps I am just getting old but it seems to me that we have said too many goodbyes in the last year. Among those that I will miss most are George Baker who brought Inspector Wexford to life, Jimmy Saville because there was no one quite like him, Peter Falk because I loved Colombo, David Croft who wrote Dads Army as well as other great comedy shows and brought so much pleasure, Billie Jo Spears because I loved her voice, and Edward Hardwicke who I will always think of as Dr Watson.

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

The words of the Swedish proverb used in the title are very true, but sadly the worries that have been haunting us and prevent me from keeping up with the blog  in recent days cast a very big shadow indeed because the situation has potentially devastating consequences. Robbie has received a demand from CSA/CMEC for payment of almost £17,000 arrears! The alleged arrears date from a period from 1998 to 2001 when he was still living with his ex partner (they even had a joint bank account!) but despite having an open case with CSA (and paying diligently) since 2002 when he and his partner split up, he had never been made aware of these alleged arrears. It is proving almost impossible to prove where he lived in 1998 since even employment records and bank records do not go back that far. The trouble is that CSA do not need to prove the arrears, he has to prove that he doesn't owe it, in the meantime CSA can use all the considerable powers at their disposal to take the money. It is very very scary, we simply haven't got that sort of money so the future looks very bleak. Our MP is helping us, but it is a very worrying time.

Feeling Invisible

When I was a very young child I enjoyed stories about a magical little man called Mr Pink-whistle who had all sorts of adventures because he could make himself invisible. I liked to imagine all the mischief that it would be possible to get up to if I was invisible. In books and comics invisibility is a common theme, from the Invisible Woman, the first female superhero created by Marvel (who just happens to be as old as me) to Harry Potter and his cloak of invisibility, the ability to disappear has brought them power, excitement and adventure. People will tell you that in real life it is not possible to become invisible, but it is, the difference is that in real life it is a very lonely and isolating experience.


There is a dutch artist called Desiree Palmen who creates amazing phots of invisible peope. I like the pictures, because they express visually how I feel sometimes, not exactly invisible, but not quite there, perhaps the right term would be overlooked. An infection in my inner ear left me with balance problems, dizziness and slight hearing loss. It has been like that for years and I cope quite well most of the time, but I don't cope well with crowds or noisy environments. I am used to the dizziness but sometimes in crowded places I feel very unsteady and vulnerable, it is almost like a shrinking feeling. It reminds me of Mrs Peperpot a storybook character created by Alf Prøysen who never knows when she is going to shrink.


The other day a friend of mine asked "if I ceased to exist would it matter?". She was not threatening to end it all, she was just feeling invisible and she was posing a very important question. I know quite a lot of 'invisible' people, people who for various reasons struggle to fit in. For some struggling with a disability makes them feel isolated especially when it is a hidden disability that is not understood by others. Mental health problems can be especially isolating and some people who are weighed down by worries, fears or sadness feel that life is going on around them but nobody knows or cares about them.  


We all take life for granted until something puts our future or the future of someone that we love at risk. Then we suddenly review our values and we realise that the things that the world thinks are important don't really matter at all and we learn to value the little things and the things that do not have a price tag such as love, friendship, time, health, warmth, sunshine and freedom. It is true that each life is just a tiny insignificant speck in the sands of time and that when someone dies the world carries on just as before. However the answer to my friend's question is yes, it would matter if she or any of those invisible people ceased to exist. 


It would matter to everyone who loves them and cares  about them. A person who ceased to exist would live on in the memory of every life that they touched, and most people touch many lives in one way or other. Someone who had hurt or wronged them would never be able to ask forgiveness or put things right and they would have to carry that guilt through life. If someone ceased to exist, the good that they may do in the future would not happen. They could not pass on the wisdom that they had gained from their life experiences or prevent others from making the same mistakes, they would not be there as living proof that you can get through the bad stuff. They could not encourage others or set an example for others. Finally if someone ceased to exist the people who love them would be devastated, they would always wonder 'what if ...' For some it may perhaps be one loss too many and the pain and grief may change their lives for ever. 


So why am I writing about this? Partly because April is National Autism Awareness Month. I have close family members with autistic spectrum disorder and I know how confusing and isolating life can be at times. However I also know that he is interesting, clever, loving and very special. Don't miss out, look around you for the invisible people, don't be afraid of difference, please don't pass them by. 

Take Time To Enjoy The Simple Things In Life

A few weeks ago I went to Coombe Abbey with my friend, it was a very special treat because we had afternoon tea there and it was lovely to get a glimpse of the inside of the building. It was a very cold and blustery day and my asthma was playing up so we only went for a short walk before having tea, but we came across some beautiful clumps of snowdrops hidden away at the side of the building. They are so small and fragile but so beautiful, to me seeing them push through the ground when the weather is still so cold and miserable is a sign of hope that spring is not too far away.

Until this year I hadn't visited Coombe Abbey since 1986. Eric (my first husband) and I used to go there sometimes just after we were married; we lived in Rugby at that time. It has changed so much since then, but my life has changed beyond recognition too. Back then we had everything to look forward to, so much has happened since then, some of it good especially the children, and sadly some of it such as Eric's illness and death not good at all. My life is so different now, I have learnt to take pleasure in the simple things in life and to take time to enjoy what I have now rather than always looking for something better in the future