It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness - Marcus Tullius Cicero

I was looking for a suitable heading for this blog post and I couldn't resist this one. Yesterday was one of those strange days when you are more consciously aware of the sorrows of the past that are always with you. If life had been kinder it would have been my wedding anniversary. That part of my life feels so distant now, almost like another lifetime, perhaps that is normal it was a long time ago and I was a different person then, younger of course and full of hope. I can't help remembering and wondering what might have been, but I also feel grateful for what we had and for the time that we shared. I can't change the past, I couldn't prevent Eric's death but he continues to live in our memories. Like it or not life goes on, you can't live in the past but you will carry it with you into the future.

Yesterday was also the 30th anniversary of the start of our defence of the Falklands. Yesterday on television there I saw a lot of programmes remembering the Falklands war and those who died. All these years later their families will still feel their loss as keenly as they did then. I would like people to care as much about those who were terribly damaged by their service in the Falklands. People like a friend of mine who survived, but has suffered with mental health issues ever since. My friend and many like him could not find a way to live with the memories, the flashbacks have haunted him and he has carried the grief and suffering with him every day. For too many, this has led to isolation and a downward spiral. It may be hard for us to understand, but we should care and we should never forget the true cost of war. 

Hearing is one of the body's five senses. But listening is an art. - Frank Tyger

When people ask me why I write the blog, I often tell them that if I didn't write about it I would probably kill Robbie. That is just a joke, I love Robbie very much and I would never do anything to hurt him, but there is some truth in the idea that writing about an issue is a way of processing it. I have written a blog for at least 10 years and even before that I wrote about my life in letters and diaries. Looking back it is true that at some points it was a way of helping me through the difficult times, but mostly it was a way of enjoying and preserving the special little moments of life. This little moment came from March 2004 when my son was 9


"This morning was a bit of a challenge; 'nameless son' had his usual tummy ache and was even more reluctant than usual to get ready for school. He had tried to draw my attention to his suffering and became frustrated when I hardly noticed. In the end we were treated to one of his Royal Shakespeare Company performances. He clutched his tummy, sagged at the knees and writhed around on his back like a dying wasp. After all that he went to school and survived the day with no ill effects


My Galaxy went back to the Ford garage for them to put right what they should have done in the first place. I went out early to check that it was all neat and tidy, just as well really because I found a very lifelike gun under the seat – left by a certain young spy! It could have given someone a nasty shock.

Today is unusual in that the subject of the blog is something that hurts me very much but something that seems to cause great amusement to other people. I have some hearing loss, caused by a serious ear infection called labyrinthitis which I had more than 15 years ago. It left me with some nasty symptoms including spinning vertigo and balance problems. Over the years my brain had found ways to compensate for the balance problems most of the time, but the vertigo has become part of everyday life. The balance problems are worse when I am tired or unwell. At first I didn't notice the hearing loss - but other people did! It seems to have got worse over the years and after much nagging by my family, I saw a hearing specialist at the hospital. By then I had accepted that I have a problem, but I was shocked to find that nothing can be done about it. Apparently it is due to nerve damage and it can't be helped or put right. I know that I have no right to moan, I can hear and my problems are trivial compared to many others, but it is a struggle at times. It makes it hard for me to do certain things at work and my family get very cross when I don't hear them.

The other day Robbie was talking to me as we walked along outside, he was slightly ahead of me and there was no way that I could hear him. I asked him to repeat himself and he got cross, I explained that I couldn't hear and he told me to "try harder". I was really hurt, I know he didn't really mean it, he was just cross, but it sums up the way most people respond to my hearing loss. I get teased about it, it is a bit of a joke or people just get cross when I get things wrong. I wouldn't dream of telling Robbie to try harder when he is in pain and I hope I would never laugh at or about a persons disability. So why is hearing loss funny? It really doesn't feel very amusing from my point of view.

'The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.' George Bernard Shaw

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. Ellen Perry Berkele

Returning home from holiday felt like coming back to reality with a bump. We still have the huge cloud of the disputed CSA arrears hanging over us, as well as various other worries and uncertainties, and I really need to find another job. When we walked into the house there was no one there to welcome us, no wagging tail, just a dog shaped space where Meg should have been, I am really going to miss her, she was part of our family.

The cats were doing their own thing, Oreo was at the top of the stairs watching the birds out of the window and Dave was dozing on the sofa, he chose not to notice our arrival. Usually he would come to me straight away, but when I put my hand out to touch him he turned away, making it very clear that he was not happy with me. We had loads to do on Sunday evening, so there wasn't much time to think about Dave, but he managed to radiate disapproval, he was punishing me for going away and leaving him. He kept up the hostility until lunchtime on Monday, then when I sat down with my laptop he came and sat on the back of my chair, then after a little while I noticed that he had moved silently on to my lap and was purring loudly - I had been forgiven!


'For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.' Anon

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief - Aeschylus

To say that we have had a bad few weeks would be an understatement, I wrote before about the horror of receiving a bill for close on £17,000 dating back fourteen years and finding it practically impossible to provide evidence from that long ago to prove what Robbie was doing then and that he was not liable for the bill. The worry about the alleged debt has been crushing and the work involved to challenge it has not only been exhausting it has taken over our lives. However other shattering events have made us realise that our troubles pale into insignificance compared to the sorrow that others have to face. A young girl known to one of my children killed herself a week ago. I can only begin to imagine the total desolation that her parents must feel; it is such a terrible waste of a young and talented life, it is so totally pointless that words fail me.

It seems wrong to write about the death of a pet in the same post as the tragic loss of a young woman on the brink of adulthood. I mean no disrespect, but to us the loss of Megan was extremely painful. A week ago I came home from work to find that she was unsteady on her feet, she could walk, but not very well and she seemed to be having difficulty eating – a sure sign that something was wrong. Meg and Robbie were great friends and like Robbie Meg not only cleared her own plate in record time, she would clear everyone else’s scraps! Meg was about nine months old when we adopted her from a rehoming centre; she was a failed sheepdog - because she was afraid of sheep! She was afraid of all sorts of things, but she was a very good natured dog with a passion for ball games - she could handle a football far better than most of the England team! She was about fifteen and very much part of our family, we knew that she would not last forever, but we were not ready to lose her. That evening it became clear that she had suffered a stroke and the only kind option was to have her put to sleep rather than allow her to suffer. We miss her very much, even the cats miss her, but she had a good life and she brought a lot of happiness to our lives. 

'Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole'.

A Difficult Time

I have had a lot on my mind recently, lots of things to deal with. I haven't really been much help to Robbie in coming to terms with the loss of his friend, even when you know what it is like to lose important people in your life it doesn't mean that you understand how other people feel when it happens to them. I try, but the truth is that nothing really makes the loss less raw and less painful, it is just that in time you get more used to dealing with it.

My step father's health as been a cause for serious concern recently. He seems much the same in himself, frail but OK if that makes sense, but an annual review at the doctors pick up on reduced kidney function ans subsequent tests and scans confirmed that there is a tumour on his kidney. Yesterday he saw the consultant again and it was confirmed that he has cancer on his kidney and it needs to be removed, leaving the possibility that the other kidney will not cope and he could need dialysis. The future doesn't look too rosy.

I wasn't happy about having a step father. I was a teenager and I felt that it was somehow a betrayal of my dad for my mum to marry again. I didn't really understand until years later when I also found myself widowed with a young family. Finding someone else that you want to spend your life with is a very confusing experience, but it isn't a betrayal, nothing can diminish the feelings you have for the partner who died. It is not easy for the new partner either, living with a ghost is not easy.

It is only with the benefit of hindsight that I can say I am glad that my mum remarried. Despite our early clashes, my stepfather has been amazing, I have had him in my life for much longer than my own dad, and he has always been there to rely on. As well as helping in so many practical ways and always being there when he was needed, he has been a fantastic grandad and my children think the world of him.

We are hoping for the best as far as the cancer is concerned. Like everyone else in such circumstances we need to deal with it one step at a time.

Finding The Right Words

Those of you who know Robbie will know that words are the one thing he is never short of. If fact the opposite is true, it is almost impossible to get him to shut up, he can talk endlessly about anything under the sun and you can rely on him to lower the tone whenever there is the slightest opportunity. He talks and talks and talks - he can fit more words into a minute than anyone else I know.

Being lost for words is a new experience for Robbie, but in the circumstances I am not surprised that he is struggling. He has been asked to speak at his friend's funeral, there is so much that he wants to say, but putting the feelings you have deep inside into words is not so easy, and finding exactly the right words to express how much Chris meant as a friend and colleague is difficult. It is almost impossible to sum up the qualities of a close friend in just a few brief sentences, but one thing is undeniable Chris knew how to live well. He loved his work, but it didn't rule his life, he filled his leisure time with all the things that were important to him. He packed a lot of living into not quite 40 years. I don't know if Robbie's words will adequately paint a picture of his friend, or express how keenly Robbie feels his loss. I can't do much to help, but I can at least make sure everyone will understand his words - I have be making him practice speaking slowly!

A Day We Had Been Dreading

This turned out to be the day that we have been dreading for what seems like a very long time. Robbie's friend Chris died this morning. We knew that this would be the ultimate outcome, and no one wanted to prolong his suffering but when the time comes none of that makes it feel any better. This is a terrible loss for his family and for his friends.

Chris was a very good friend to Robbie, in fact he probably understood Robbie better than anyone else ever will. They shared an interest in music, they would often go into Birmingham at lunchtime and come back with vinyl records and cds. They had a similar or at least an overlapping taste in music and they liked to go to gigs. Their shared interests didn't end there, they both shared a passion for the railways. For Robbie, Chris was the sort of friend who comes along once in a lifetime, he will be deeply missed and he will never be forgotten.

Memories

I am a Radio 4 addict, I even listen to the radio in the bathroom. My favourite radio programme is the Archers, I have been listening to it for so long that I couldn't imagine life without it. I will not admit quite how long I have been listening to the Archers but when we were talking about it last week I realised that I have been listening to it since before Robbie was born! Over the last week or so the series has been dealing with the death of one of the main characters Phil Archer, we knew it was coming because Norman Painting the actor who played Phil died before Christmas, but it is still terribly sad. However the character and the actor who played him had lived long and fulfilling lives and you should not be sad about a life well lived even a fictional one. There are some deaths that are much harder to come to terms with. It is three years this month since Emily's friend Charles died in a car accident. It was such a shock, he was a very careful driver and it was one of those freak accidents that didn't involve excess speed or alcohol, it should not have happened. It happened on a bend on a country road, I think he may have swerved to avoid an animal but I guess we will never know, he came off the road, hit a tree and died of head injuries. He packed a lot of living into his almost 18 years, but it seems such a waste, he had so much potential. His friends friends will not forget him, they still miss him very much. I hope his death with remind other drivers to be extra careful on the road even on routes you take every day.

A sad day..... (written by Robbie) 29.02.08

As many of you know my uncle Brian has not been very well for a number of weeks now, and sadly this morning at approximately 07.00 he passed away. He was always a quiet person in some respects, but would always be a wealth of knowledge if you ever asked him something. It's unfortunate that since my Nan died a number of years ago the family doesn't really meet unless something major happens, but that's life I suppose but somethings I will never forget.....