A Difficult Time

I have had a lot on my mind recently, lots of things to deal with. I haven't really been much help to Robbie in coming to terms with the loss of his friend, even when you know what it is like to lose important people in your life it doesn't mean that you understand how other people feel when it happens to them. I try, but the truth is that nothing really makes the loss less raw and less painful, it is just that in time you get more used to dealing with it.

My step father's health as been a cause for serious concern recently. He seems much the same in himself, frail but OK if that makes sense, but an annual review at the doctors pick up on reduced kidney function ans subsequent tests and scans confirmed that there is a tumour on his kidney. Yesterday he saw the consultant again and it was confirmed that he has cancer on his kidney and it needs to be removed, leaving the possibility that the other kidney will not cope and he could need dialysis. The future doesn't look too rosy.

I wasn't happy about having a step father. I was a teenager and I felt that it was somehow a betrayal of my dad for my mum to marry again. I didn't really understand until years later when I also found myself widowed with a young family. Finding someone else that you want to spend your life with is a very confusing experience, but it isn't a betrayal, nothing can diminish the feelings you have for the partner who died. It is not easy for the new partner either, living with a ghost is not easy.

It is only with the benefit of hindsight that I can say I am glad that my mum remarried. Despite our early clashes, my stepfather has been amazing, I have had him in my life for much longer than my own dad, and he has always been there to rely on. As well as helping in so many practical ways and always being there when he was needed, he has been a fantastic grandad and my children think the world of him.

We are hoping for the best as far as the cancer is concerned. Like everyone else in such circumstances we need to deal with it one step at a time.

Tears

On Saturday lunchtime I answered the phone to find Emily sobbing on the other end. It was difficult to make sense of what she was saying and a ripple of fear ran through me, obviously something very bad had happened and as she and Laura were both at work my first fear was that something had happened to Laura. Through her tears Emily managed to tell me that one of her co-workers had died and Emily was so upset by the news that she had been allowed to go home. I dashed out to pick her up and by the time I found her she was a little bit calmer. Karen, had only been off sick for three or four weeks and the news of her death had come as a terrible shock. Emily liked her because she was a bit 'dizzy' like Emily and she was always helpful and friendly at work. She had young children so her death was especially sad. Cancer is such a cruel illness.

The previous day we had been delighted by the news of a new life and so soon afterwards we were reminded of the sadness of death. It is the way of the world, but the pain is especially bitter when someone dies so tragically young. It certainly pushes our own trivial worries back into perspective and it reminds us to make the most of our own lives.

Robbie went to a gig last night, to see The Breeders, so I spent the evening trying to stay awake because I had to pick him up from the station at 12.40am! He still managed to get up for work at 5.15am, but as usual I thought Monday morning had arrived far too soon.