Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once. Lillian Dickson

Last Monday it was a case of coming back down to earth with a bump. I knew that after having Robbie at home for just over two weeks it was going to be hard for both of us to readjust to the demands of our usual weekday routine. I hate the early starts, even on a good day 5am feels like the middle of the night!


Robbie loves his job and usually after a couple of weeks off he can't wait to get back to work, but this time it was different. The prospect of some very tight deadlines when he got back would usually have made him more eager to return, but not this time. He could happily have taken another couple of weeks off. I think  his time off gave us a chance to learn (or re-learn) some very valuable lessons. For most of that time I still had to work and to attend to my usual daily responsibilities, so we couldn't go away - who wants to go away in February anyway! Instead we learnt to take pleasure in the ordinary little things in everyday life and to value what we have. Most important of all, we enjoyed the luxury of time. We had a lot of fun, we took time to visit and appreciate some of the interesting places on our own doorstep and we had time for each other. 


That was the easy bit, the secret is to make sure that we hang on to those important things when back on the treadmill of normal life. Last week was hard, perhaps harder than either of us expected, but we were strong and together we got through it. This week will have it's trials too, not least because Robbie is in so much pain, but we will deal with it together. We will make time to talk, to laugh and to enjoy special moments even on the most challenging day.

We stored up so many good memories while Robbie was off work. On the last day of his leave we went to the Rural Shopping Yard at Castle Ashby. It was like a spring afternoon, and we had a lovely time. Robbie bought some real ale mustard from the deli and there was even a shop named after him - Mr B's Traditional Sweet Shop. It was fun looking at the shops and enjoying the beautiful countryside but what made it really special was sharing the experience with Robbie.

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” Charles Swindoll

Communication Problems

I rarely write about my work, partly because I don't want to cross any boundaries but mostly because it probably wouldn't make very interesting reading. I meet some really nice people in the course of my work, but sadly I meet plenty of the other kind too. I always try to be helpful but is not unusual to get shouted at and called names, you would be surprised how nasty seemingly ordinary people can be about the most trivial things. I have even had to deal with threats of physical harm. So you can imagine my confusion when an Indian gentleman approached me with a broad smile and began to remove all his outer clothing. Hat, scarf, two pairs of gloves, coat, padded waistcoat etc, etc. It wasn't an especially cold day but it seemed that he was dressed for an Arctic expedition. It is rather unusual for customers to remove their clothing, they are not usually with us long enough for that, so despite his smiles I was a little weary of his motives.


Thankfully he stopped disrobing before it became embarrassing, but then I was faced with another problem. He began talking to me and I didn't have a clue what he was saying. He repeated himself several times but I was making no progress at all. I asked him what language he was speaking (thinking I could perhaps find someone else to converse with him) but he informed me that he was speaking English! A very long 20 minutes followed with lots of smiles, nodding and waving of arms but not a lot of progress in terms of communication. He had brought out all sorts of documents from his pockets. He showed me pictures of his wife and children and he taught me how to pronounce their names. He showed me a train ticket indicating that he had been to London the weekend before and a series of mimes suggested that he had visited Madam Tussauds, Buckingham Palace and other landmarks. After 20 minutes, I knew his name and job title from a business card, I knew the names of his wife and children and I knew what he had done with his leisure time in the last week or so but I hadn't got a clue why he had come to see me! 


At that point we were joined by a second smiling Indian gentleman, also dressed for the Arctic. He possessed a few more words of recognisable English and over the next ten minutes the pair told me that they were here for two weeks for a training course, but they both lived in India. They had enjoyed their stay here very much and they wanted to find out as much as possible about our town and how different businesses worked so they had come in to have a look around. The first man had just stopped for a chat and he had showed me the pictures of his family because he missed them very much. They left still smiling and promised to come and see me again next year when they are back in England. It was rather a surreal experience, but it is something I will remember with a warm smile, it was much better than being shouted at!

The Glass Magnet

After having a week off together last week I had very mixed feelings about Monday because Robbie was going back to work (I had an extra day because of the bank holiday). Having Robbie around 24/7 can be challenging at times and occasionally I long for a bit of peace, but I am always sad when our holidays come to an end. I wasn't best pleased about the early start either! 


Robbie is a bit annoyed with me at the moment. He knows that it is unreasonable to get cross about it but, he doesn't like his routine to be changed even in smallest changes upset him. I have bought 6 new drinking glasses without seeking his approval. I really didn't think I needed to consult him about spending the grand sum of £2, but I had forgotten how particular he is about deciding on the exact size and shape of everything in the kitchen. By his standards he did well at hiding his annoyance, but we had an hour or so of sulking and stomping before he resigned himself to accepting the new glasses.  


We wouldn't have needed new glasses at all if Robbie hadn't had such a smashing time recently. I wouldn't exactly say that he is clumsy, it is more a case of things not getting out of his way quickly enough! He has wiped out two glasses and a railway mug in just over a week. That isn't such a big deal but he is like a magnet to glass and every time something gets broken he manages to cut himself. He doesn't have as much feeling in his feet as other people so that is probably why he treads on the glass in the first place. Sometimes the first hint of injury is a trail of blood leading to Robbie, at other times he does something resembling a native American war dance with corresponding sound effects as he hops into the lounge to sit down. Either way the result is the same, me on my knees picking glass out of his foot, then on my hands and knees in the kitchen with the dustpan and brush trying to pick up every speck of glass. I wish someone would design glass proof socks, preferably multicoloured ones that would appeal to Robbie.   

When Enough is Enough

When I was chatting with my friend the other day she referred to my recent post about arguments and she pointed out that what I write on the blog is not always the complete picture because the things that really hurt me do not find their way to the blog. I guess she has a point, I do write when I am sad or hurt or worried, and often the process of writing helps, but one my of my greatest frustrations is not being able to write about a person or a situation either because they do not want to be written about or because the situation is too personal or private to write about. To see a friend or family member struggling and being ground down by a situation is almost worse than enduring it yourself especially when there there very little that you can do to help. Very occasionally I have to accept that the issue is completely off limits, but usually I can write more generally about a subject or write about a similar situation from the past.


Once a very long time ago I was bullied. I was in my first job after qualifying and I became increasingly unhappy because of the way my manager behaved towards me. It was quite a long time before I recognised it as bullying because it was very subtle. I was put down for the smallest errors or omissions, things that I did well were ignored or passed off as my manager's work, she criticised me in front of colleagues and clients, she withheld information so that I would make mistakes and look foolish and she gave me the worst jobs and impossible deadlines. It wasn't my first job, so I knew that work shouldn't be like that and I knew that I was competent, but I still felt that somehow it was my fault and my confidence ebbed away to be replaced with anxiety and dread. I felt trapped and powerless, and I was sure that no one would believe me, it was her word against mine,she had a good reputation and she was coming to the end of a successful career. I did the only thing I could do, I kept going and I worked long hours and I tried to meet the impossible targets.


That situation continued for months, I didn't tell anyone, I just became increasingly unhappy and anxious. Then after about 9 months of agony someone more senior than my manager took me aside after a training course and asked me to tell her what was happening. That was the beginning of the solution for me, it took time and it wasn't easy but knowing that I was believed gave me the confidence to stand up for myself  and to tackle the bullying. Sadly the manager became ill and left not long afterwards, but by then things were much improved between us and we parted on good terms.


Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight I still wonder why it happened. I don't think she was a bad person, she just behaved unkindly towards me. She was at the end of a career that had given her status and satisfaction and she may perhaps have envied my youth and enthusiasm (I was about 23) and been irritated that I took it all for granted. She was traditional, very respectful of hierarchy and she clung to rules and regulations. It seemed to me at the time that she used rules and policy to justify a 'can't do' attitude and to avoid making decisions, but perhaps that is a bit harsh. I realise now that she was out of her depth, she had been moved out of her comfort zone, I think she was intimidated by the client group and I think that clinging to rules and tradition was her way of feeling in control. I suspect she was unhappy and perhaps a little afraid but it doesn't excuse the way she treated me. 


It is hard to admit that you are being bullied and it is probably just as hard to admit to yourself that you are a bully, but acknowledging it is the first step towards putting it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, all theses years later I can still remember how terrible I felt. It was a difficult to face up to those feelings, but having to do so has made me stronger and more determined and I am sure it made me a better manager.  When he was Chief Executive of The Industrial Society Tony Morgan said "Workplace bullying - in any form - is bad for business. It destroys teamwork, commitment and morale."  

The Sound of Silence

Sunday was taken up with doing the washing and getting everything back in order ready to get back to reality on Monday. Robbie really should have tackled the garden, we have only been away for a week but the hedge seems to have moved half way across the drive and the back garden looks more like a scene from Sleeping Beauty - wild and untended for 100 years! He promised that he would deal with it during the week, but I spotted several pigs flying past!!

Monday was strange, Robbie was back at work and Sam was back at school and when I sat down to make a start on my own work I realised that I had missed something while we were away - the sound of silence! I wonder if Robbie's colleagues noticed that their peace had been shattered when he got back on Monday morning?

Cold Feet

Robbie went back to work on Friday, but he was still not back to normal (not that he could ever be described as normal) he was still feeling cold and still off his food. In fact he is still finding it hard to eat, it is almost unheard of for Robbie to leave food on his plate, but this weekend his eyes have been bigger than his belly! It seems to be taking a long time for him to get his energy and appitite back. The oddest thing is that he has gone off coffee, he just can't face it. He has also been suffering from very cold extremities, so we have had to come up with some unusual solutions to keep his feet warm, it is harder than you think because one of his feet is four sizes bigger than the other. I have been forbidden to discuss the solutions we tried, but it involved pink polka dots!

Drooping Dimensions and Other Difficulties!

Robbie went back to work today and I thought I would find myself writing about getting back into our normal routine after the holidays, but that will have to wait for another day. The silence from Robbie during the day was deafening, he said he was busy but I think he was just enjoying being back at work and working on his beloved train plans. It was a very different story when he got home, I couldn't shut him up, he was so cross it was just a constant stream of moans – about Rail Express! The reason for his fury is that they have changed the size of the magazine, it is now larger and as Robbie keeps pointing out, it is a non standard size. It will no longer fir in his briefcase properly and it messes up his magazine piles because it is too big. Worse of all, when he reads it on the train it 'wilts' when he holds it open to read it on the train, so the pages get damaged. If he goes on about problems with 'wilt' all weekend the magazine will be the least of his worried. Rail Express really should be more considerate, they must know what train people are like, I wonder how many wives and partners have had to put up with a whole evening of moans!

A Cunning Plan

I have had enough, I'm starting a campaign to get Robbie to look for another job! I have never met anyone more passionate about his work than Robbie and I'm used to him leaving early in the morning or coming home late. I can't count the number of times I've had to 'put his dinner in the dog' or make last minute changes to the evening meal. Even when he gets home, his work often comes with him. Today he was struggling to find a solution to a particularly challenging problem with his December 09 timetable. He wandered around Morrisons muttering to himself about why this or that solution wouldn't work, he got some funny looks from other shoppers, but he was too engrossed in his timetable to notice or to care. His eureka moment came in the yoghurt section when he suddenly announced to anyone who cared to listen “Yes! That could be possible, it could work”. By now I was convinced the store staff were ready to call for the men in white coats, so I hurried him through the checkout and out to the car. He continued his discussion with nobody in particular and by the time we got home he seemed to have settled on a possible solution.

Robbie was exhausted after his 18 hour endurance test on Thursday when he went to visit Network Rail in Leeds, but he still got up early and rushed off to work on Friday morning. By the time he got home in the evening he was too tired and too wound up to eat! He has a reputation to maintain so he managed a few mouthfuls, but he could hardly keep his eyes open. The early starts don't bother him, they don't even bother me very much and we cope when he is late home, I am used to it. The thing that really bothers me is seeing him work so hard and not be appreciated, in fact on Friday it was worse than that, not only did his efforts go unnoticed, but he got moaned at for something that he knew nothing about and was not his responsibility. I know they have had to cope with difficult circumstances, and Robbie has willingly put in time and effort to make things work, but this has been going on for almost a year now and he is being taken for granted, I know he thinks he is Superman, but he can't do the impossible!

It may take me a while to get Robbie to see things my way – but he usually does in the end! In the meantime I have a strategy. Robbie arrived home totally exhausted on Friday evening, he is no use to me in that state. After a good night's sleep and a haircut his strength was restored, but I have plans, he will be totally worn out by the time he goes back to work on Monday morning. Why should they have the best of him? I didn't choose a 'toy boy' just to watch him sleep all weekend!

Robbie's random information for the week was imparted in the middle of the night. Just before 1am on Saturday morning he woke briefly to inform me that 'they have sweeteners reduced at Tesco in Leeds' I'm not sure why I needed to know that, but before I could ask he was sleeping soundly again.

Don't Wake the Fish!

Yesterday wasn't the sort of day that you want to write about. It is always a bit of a bump when you get back to work and reality after a holiday and there is so much work to catch up on that it makes you wonder if it is worth going on holiday in the first place. Those things don't really matter, it is people that mean most in our lives.

There was one lighter moment during the evening, Robbie suddenly remembered that he hadn't been to feed the fish. I told him to go straight away, but he was worried in case he woke the fish up! I have never heard of a fish dying from lack of sleep, I think starvation was a much bigger risk!