People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!

Some of you may remember that when my son was about nine or ten he wrote a description of Robbie. That was a long time ago, he is nineteen now and a couple of years ago he wrote an updated description of Robbie. I'm grateful to him to him for giving me permission to use his writing on the blog, he is very brave! I think Robbie is brilliant to see the funny side and to allow me to share it on the blog. I should explain that both men are Aspie, they get on well and they are great allies when it comes to making jokes at my expense, but each likes to imagine that the other is seriously weird! In reality both are rather unique and awesome individuals and I wouldn't change either of them (except to make them both a bit more tidy!)

                          Robbie by Will

Of all the words in the English Language, there is one I would make a  tremendous effort to avoid when describing my step dad: evolved. There are brief moments when I feel as if I'm watching a mountain Gorilla without David Attenborough's riveting commentary, or even a Baboon displaying it's behind as it forages in the deepest crevices of it's rucksack. When we drive over a brand new road surface he emits a series of primal hoots which increase in volume and pitch as his excitement builds. Who else in this world derives excitement from a new road surface? Such sounds would not be out of place at Twycross zoo, but even the great apes have grasped the concept of volume. Never in my life, have I heard an animal eat with such ferocity, humming approval to himself with every breath. 

I'll admit, I have exaggerated his level of evolution, there are some notable attributes that spare primates from close comparison. Firstly, Primates have the knowledge of self preservation. Whereas a normal person would sit still in a car, a sign of respect to their driver, my step dad decides instead to direct everyone's attention to the train, bus, or Eddy Stobart truck that he has spotted by flailing his arms and yelping with excitement in a way that one can only compared to an epileptic puppy waiting for it's ball to be thrown. Aside from the fear for ones life that is felt by every passenger in the car, I fear for his life, as he now has to face the wrath of the driver; my mother. Yet still he does it!

It has been noted that Apes have an inquisitive personality, and are aware of the smallest changes to their environment, but on the whole they adapt to this change. Adaptation is one thing he struggles to cope with. The strops that occur because the bottle shape of the tomato ketchup has changed could be described as biblical. If he notices the slightest of changes to his anally retentive form of feng shui, or if he decided that the colour of a product label isn't of the correct hue, he huffs, and he puffs, and he blows his composure down.

On the matter of his inquisitive nature, my step dad has an extraordinary intelligence and the ability to retain vast quantities of detailed information but unfortunately he obsessively applies this ability to his two main fields of interest - trains and Lego! Somewhat ironic. Every so often, an observer is treated to the sight of him opening a new Lego figure, or the sight of him witnessing a certain train. It is on these occasions that he will let out a grunt of approval and enjoyment. This sound is somewhat reminiscent of Louis Armstrong trying to move a wardrobe.

Finally, one minor differentiation between these two is the use of tools. Research has shown that chimps are able to adapt and use objects as tools. I myself have never seen an Ape using a hedge trimmer in the wild, but I'm sure that it would avoid cutting the trimmer's ORANGE cable amongst the GREEN hedgerow? The irony being that all apes are colour blind. Furthermore, I have never heard of a chimpanzee wiring a switch, but even if it had, I'm sure it would understand the basic consequences of leaving the mains power on!

Maybe I'm just finding fault with a member of my family, or maybe I have finally found a missing link - that's for you to decide. But I don't know of any being, human or animal, with the ability to crunch sodden Weetabix!

In Need of an Off Switch!

I love Robbie very much and mostly I like having him working from home, but I have my limits and just occasionally I need a bit of time on my own. I need peace and quiet, time to think and to process my own thoughts without someone talking non stop at the side of me. 

On Wednesday Robbie really seemed to have his talking boots on. During the morning I was trying to focus on several important things that I needed to do, but I couldn't concentrate because Robbie kept talking. He keeps returning to the subject of the Sky box and the possibility of moving to Virgin for our television, internet and phone. I am very reluctant to move and I told him 'loud and clear' that pestering me is not going to make me change my mind. After a few brief moments of quiet he was at it again, and we leapt from one subject to the next without stopping for breath. Much of the conversation was about his work in one way or another, but eventually he settled on the subject of irritating people - and as I listened to him I was mentally adding to my own list of annoying people!!

We had lunch at Morrisons with my mum and step father, it is nice to spend an hour or so with them during the week. We chatted about all sorts of things as we ate, but Robbie was making me feel exhausted because he didn't even stop for breath.  He had returned to the subject of our television and Internet provider his voice seemed louder than usual and he didn't pay any attention to my hints so I had to tell him point blank to stop talking. That worked for a few seconds but then he 'defaulted' to his specialist subject (trains) and off we went again. I wanted to scream at him to shut up but I managed to control the impulse and settled for a withering look instead.

Robbie was aware that I had some shopping to do, but as we finished eating he told me to get a move on because he needed a lift to the station to catch the 13.55 train. The urge to harm him was almost too much for me to resist! He had talked non stop all morning but he had not bothered to share the one piece of relevant information, that he needed a lift to the station just before 2pm. Having had a brief but meaningful exchange of views, we ran around the supermarket to get the absolute essentials and met up again at the till. I was still livid and when Robbie told me that he thought I would have know what time he needed to be at the station, I informed him very firmly that I am not Mystic Meg. The woman in front of us in the queue gave me a knowing smile and let us go in front of her as we only had a few items.

I had to hurry to get him to the station on time and I wasn't taking too much notice of Robbie. Then I realised that he was talking about 'Percy' and I was completely mystified. The only 'Percy' that I know of is the one that gets 'pointed at the porcelain' so when Robbie started talking about 'web Percy' and 'normal Percy' I had no idea what he was on about. I should have left it like that but I was unwise enough to ask what he meant. He told me that PERCY is a computer program that DfT and train operators use to check that they are meeting existing franchise commitments. He gave me more detail and I got the feeling that he could have talked for a lot longer but thankfully we arrived at the station on time and he had to dash off to catch his train. At last I had a few minutes peace! 

Last of the Summer Sun

When I went to the supermarket earlier this week, it felt as if I had taken a step back to early August. It was very hot with bright sunshine and and everyone was wearing short sleeved tops. To my surprise it has remained and sunny ever since. Of course looks can be deceiving, it may be hot in the middle of the day, but the early morning is dark and distinctly nippy and the long summer evenings have been chased away by the encroaching autumn darkness. I am always pleased to see the sun, but in a way the sunny days this week are a sad reminder of all that has gone. Was it really six weeks ago that we were on holiday in Norfolk? 

I love the summer, I don't need the weather to be too hot, just warm and comfortable, but mostly I love the long days and warm pleasant evenings. I think my favourite month is May when there are so many wild flowers and it warm with long lazy evenings and the summer stretches ahead of us. September is my least favourite month, it feels as if the darkness closes in around us with dark mornings and encroaching darkness in the evening with the promise of worse to come. We all have little triggers that remind us of past sadness and for me it is the sound of conkers falling to the ground from Horse Chestnut Trees. I remember the excitement of getting up early to go and collect conkers when I was little and I did the same when my children were little, so there are some good memories. However they are overshadowed by the memory of sitting in a hospital room, looking out at the beautiful grounds and hearing the conkers fall from the trees with a thud on to the grass below. In the quiet of the night the thud of the conkers falling seemed very loud. How odd that something so insignificant can sound so loud when a human life can slip away noiselessly.

The Sound of Silence

Sunday was taken up with doing the washing and getting everything back in order ready to get back to reality on Monday. Robbie really should have tackled the garden, we have only been away for a week but the hedge seems to have moved half way across the drive and the back garden looks more like a scene from Sleeping Beauty - wild and untended for 100 years! He promised that he would deal with it during the week, but I spotted several pigs flying past!!

Monday was strange, Robbie was back at work and Sam was back at school and when I sat down to make a start on my own work I realised that I had missed something while we were away - the sound of silence! I wonder if Robbie's colleagues noticed that their peace had been shattered when he got back on Monday morning?

Sound Effects

Robbie was late home from work again today and when I left work he was waiting for me in the car park so that he could get a lift home. I love him dearly, but at times like that I wish he could be a little more 'normal', last time he turned up wearing that dreaded flasher mac and today he had his white London Underground umbrella!

He told me a funny story on the way home. This morning he was in he bathroom on 'the throne' when he became aware that he could hear faint music and someone was talking to him. It wasn't 'heavenly' music so he had no fear that he was about to 'do an Elvis' and meet his maker in the bathroom. This was much more down to earth music, and it bothered him, he couldn't believe that someone would be thoughtless enough to have their radio on in the street at 5am loud enough for him to hear it. He then remembered that the bathroom is at the back of the house, so he deduced that the offending radio must be in our garden, but he wasn't in a position to go an investigate straight away. Thankfully the neighbours were spared the vision of Robbie in his smalls searching for a radio in the back garden, because he found the source of the mystery music before he left the house. We have two radios in the bathroom, ours (tuned to Radio 4) and theirs (tuned to something else). One of the children had turned their radio down to almost nothing instead of turning it off!

On the subject of mystery noises, the previous day Robbie and Emily searched the lounge for a phone that kept vibrating. It wasn't a phone, it was the cat snoring!

Making Up

Robbie was late coming to bed again last night. I expect he was finding it hard to drag himself away from that book again. I don't know what time it was when he finally arrived in the bedroom, I had been deeply asleep but his loud conversation woke me up. I growled at him but he ignored the warning and continued talking. Then just to ensure that I had no chance of getting back to sleep he put his search light on and sat on the edge of the bed contemplating (or searching for) his navel. I threatened him with dire consequences but he just laughed at me, so war broke out. I was ready to kill him! He settled down in bed still giggling and within seconds he was snoring, but as always I took me forever to get back to sleep. I am going to confiscate his bulb!!

This morning he was repentant (and bruised). He said he wants to make up for always putting the trains first and neglecting me. Guess what he has in mind? A trip to York on a Voyager and a visit to the National Rail Museum!! Oh well, at least he is consistent. Sometimes I don't know if I should laugh or cry!

A Quiet Life - I Wish!

I love animals and I couldn't imagine not having pets, but I am starting to think that they are giving me a hard time this week. With Robbie away I intended to enjoy the peace and quiet and make the most of being able to get up a little later, unfortunately when it comes to being noisy early in the morning Robbie has some rivals. At about 5.15am every morning a group of Canada geese fly over on there way from one lake to another and they honk loudly. It is nice that we have two beautiful parks within walking distance and it is nice that they attract wildlife, but why do they need to get up so early! Yesterday it was so loud that I am sure each bird looked into the open window and hooted extra loud as they went past. At least the geese go away, the crow that hangs out in the tree opposite my bedroom window stays there for hours on end making the most dreadful noise, leaving me in bed wide awake thinking of ways to silence a crow!

When I went out to put the bins out early in the morning a bird flew into my face as I walked back towards the house. It really hurt, I hope the bird was OK, I think it was a starling or something of that size, it flew off before I could get a good look at it.

The cats have been causing trouble too, Oreo jumped out of Laura's bedroom window onto the paved area of the garden below. I was terrified, I expected him to be badly injured or dead and I raced downstairs to get to him. I opened the back door and he strolled in looking completely untroubled by his adventure. Not to be outdone by the cats Megan also made her presence felt, she rolled in something unspeakable and she stank. When I mentioned the 'B' word she looked pathetic, I washed the offending area, but I decided to postpone her bath until Sunday - Robbie can do it!

Living Dangerously

Robbie can be so annoying sometimes. On Saturday night he came to bed late, woke me up, let all the cold air under the duvet and then stole the duvet. I stole it back and threatened him with dire consequences if he did it again! On Sunday night he came to bed at 1.30pm, he woke me up because he made so much noise, then he sat down so heavily on the bed that I almost bounced out on to the floor. Then he deliberately flapped the duvet to let the cold air in and when he got in bed he tugged the duvet away and rolled himself up in it. By this time I was wild and ready to beat him to a pulp, for some reason he found it hilarious and he lay there prodding me and giggling like Mutley from Wacky Races. By then I was wide awake and too furious to sleep, my chances of sleep were further diminished because he continued to be annoying even when he fell asleep, he was making noises like a whale blowing throw it's blow hole. I think I showed incredible restraint, but if it happens again he will be sleeping in the garage.

Night Terrors

Yesterday when I woke up in the morning I had a memory of waking up and feeling very frightened in the night but I couldn't remember what had happened. I knew it had something to do with Robbie, but when I asked him he was extremely evasive about it, he tried to convince me that I had woken with a start when he came to bed very late, but I knew it was more than that because I remembered screaming. Finally in the afternoon something Emily said triggered my memory and suddenly it was all crystal clear. I was fast asleep when I was woken by a loud roaring noise which I can best describe as a one man riot! I woke with a start and I was so frightened that I shouted out as I woke. The cause of the disturbance was unbelievable even for Robbie – he had spotted the new Ikea catalogue at the side of my bed (I got it the previous day) and he was whooping with excitement!!

A Night To Remember!

Robbie is not very good at going to bed on time, he has good intentions but then he either falls asleep over his computer or something on the television catches his attention so he sits down to watch it and falls asleep. On Monday night he was supposed to be on his way to bed, but there was something on television that caught his attention and he sat down again. I settled down to sleep with more than my share of the duvet, Radio 4 for company and just for a change no train noises, railway stories or timetable enquiries. Most people count sheep to make themselves sleepy, but Robbie recites train timetables and routes. When he was watching his DVD the night before there was a clip of Euston Station in the 1970's and it included a brief look at the departures board. Robbie kept rewinding and freezing the picture because he wanted to check the routes and work out the journey times - sad! Perhaps that explains why I treat his occasional absence as a luxury.

I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I remember was being woken in the middle of the night by ghostly moaning accompanied by bumping and clattering noises. I was still half asleep and struggling to make sense of what I was hearing when I felt an incredibly heavy weight on my legs that made me want to cry out. Suddenly I was wide awake and the 'haunting' turned out to be Robbie coming to bed. He had fallen asleep downstairs and when he woke up he was in agony and could hardly move. He had half walked and half crawled to bed moaning all the way and when he got there he launched himself onto the bed from my side and landed on my legs. I think I must have expressed my feelings fairly clearly and I must have turned my back on him because I remember one other thing, he tapped me on the shoulder and asked me very politely if he could please have a little bit of the duvet.

The Big Bang Theory

On Saturday evening I went to bed at about 11pm. At about the same time Robbie found a huge puddle on the floor in the kitchen, I just assumed that I hadn't closed the washing machine properly and I thought little of it. I vaguely recall Robbie coming up to tell me there was another puddle in the kitchen, but I was too sleepy to make sense of it. Robbie came to bed at some point because I remember him waking me up bu bouncing on the bed. My next clear memory was at about 1.30am when a very worried Laura woke me up to say that the boiler was making terrible noises and she thought it was about to explode. With admirable powers of delegation I assured her that Robbie would go and turn everything off and we would deal with it in the morning. Robbie went without a word of complaint and returned in due course to assure me that everything was turned off. He promptly went to sleep again, but I was unsettled and I remained awake for hours worried that something dreadful would happen.

In the morning I was thinking more logically and I realised that the leak had come from the radiator not the washing machine and the boiler was having a tantrum because the pressure had fallen. Laura had a friend staying with her on Saturday night and she said her friend thought it was a bomb so she hid her head under the pillow -not much use if it had been a bomb! Laura had different priorities, she went to rescue her shoes, she move her new, very expensive wellies (from Asos) as far from the boiler as possible to make sure they were safe!!

I'm so fed up, I hate having to have the boiler repaired.

Things That Go Crunch in the Night

I went to bed at about midnight and left Robbie fighting a losing battle with his computer. His whole iTunes library has vanished without trace, apparently even artificial intelligence is offended by the stuff that Robbie calls music! I listened to my radio for a bit and then I settled down to sleep. Some time later I was was woken by a strange noise. In that semi sleep state I tried hard to make sense of the noise. It was rather like the noise of the filter in the big fish tank in the orthodontists waiting room, a sort of watery sucking noise. I knew we didn't have a fish tank and I could tell the noise was close by so I had to wake up and investigate. When I was fully awake it didn't take very long to solve the mystery, Robbie had given up on the iTunes and had come to bed and had decided to cheer himself up by chewing a chocolate toffee!! I put two pillows over his head but the chewing and sucking went on and on for ages, I'm sure a gobstopper wouldn't have lasted that long. Words were exchanged and I don't think he will do that again!

Living Dangerously

The fact that Robbie has survived unharmed for 36 years is one of life's enduring mysteries. Sometimes he infuriates me so much that the urge to harm him is almost irresistible. The trouble is that he has no sense of danger, Robbie will 'boldly go' where angels fear to tread. When he got home from work on Monday he wandered into the kitchen to find out what was for dinner, within seconds he was telling me that I was doing things wrong! My warning stare didn't work and when he attempted to tell me how to do something else I couldn't contain my frustration, I stormed out of the kitchen and told him that if he knew so much he could finish cooking the meal himself. I went back a few minutes later because he can't make the gravy, but he was still trying to tell me that his way was the best way. He was standing there in his PJ's and I was armed with a scalding hot jug of gravy, only an act of supreme self mastery on my part prevented me from tipping the gravy straight down the front of his trousers!

Yesterday I played safe and made a chicken casserole so that by the time Robbie arrived home there would be very to argue about. Emily needed a lift so I planned to drive her to the station and then take Robbie home. I made the dumplings before leaving the house, but thankfully I left them on a plate ready to put in when I arrived home and I turned the oven down slightly. When Robbie got into the car his first sentence was to request that I would take him to Staples. I asked if we could do it another day because our meal was almost ready, but apparently it was an emergency - he needed to buy a new pencil! I took him to Staples and I'm please to report that he now has a pencil with lead in it! Thankfully our meal survived the delay.

I went to bed fairly late, I was tired and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. Sometime later 'Thunder Foot' came to bed. How hard can it be to slip into bed quietly without waking me up? In Robbie's case it appears to be impossible! He thumped and bumped around, talked to me, prodded me, flapped the covers about let the cold air in and worse of all he put the light on just to annoy me. You will not be surprised to hear that it worked! I was furious. Once again I was wide awake and it would take ages to get back to sleep, but within minutes 'Sleeping Beauty' was 'Z'ing away, oblivious of my simmering anger.

This morning I expected a 'sorry' and may be a bit of affection. Instead I was awoken by a searchlight and an inquisition, he was accusing me of stealing his knickers! I was quite insistent that I hadn't touched them but he wouldn't believe me. I was furious about not being believed, we are not exactly talking about the crown jewels here, I don't think there is a booming market in second hand drawers. To add insult to injury he then blamed Sam for stealing them - how ridiculous. If I find them before he does he'd better watch out because every pair will have a liberal sprinkling of itching powder inside!

Just in case anyone is wondering, Robbie went to work fully clothed, including underwear. He had been looking for a specific pair, for some reason or other he had decided that he had to wear that pair today. He told me last night that he had to go on a site visit today and he needed to have a high visibility jacket and safety boots. Perhaps he thought he needed his lucky pants as well!

The Earth Moved Last Night! 27.02.08

Robbie has been very tired recently. In the evenings he likes to sit on a hard chair because it is better for his back, he usually sits in 'his spot' in the corner, with his laptop on the table in front of him. I have been keen to keep him at arms length since his trip to Edinburgh at the weekend, his breath absolutely stank when he came back. I am not sure what he had eaten but the dreaded word haggis was mentioned, after that I didn't want any more details, but it wouldn't have surprised me if he had eaten a whole bulb of garlic, he could have stripped paint with that breath. By yesterday morning I could just about tolerate him next to me but when he got home last night he stank again, he had 'accidentally' bought a subway roll with an evil smelling filling, so I was delighted that he chose to sit in the corner a safe distance away from me.

He is like the dormouse from Alice in Wonderland who slept through the Mad Hatter's tea party, rousing occasionally to share a random piece of information before dozing again. Robbie's random fact for the evening was that he forgot to have a dessert on Saturday because he was too full. Imagine that - Robbie wasn't hungry!! During the evening as Robbie dozed he gradually tipped forward until his nose rested on his laptop. I woke him several times but he wasn't a happy chap so in the end I gave up and left him to it.

I woke with a start to the sound of a huge lorry speeding down the street, the room shook and I went to the window to see if the lorry had hit a building. The street was calm and I couldn't quite make sense of it, I snuggled back into bed still unaware that what I had heard was an earthquake. There was a second thunderous noise a few minutes later, it wasn't an after shock, it was Robbie coming up the stairs to bed. It seems that the earthquake had succeeded in waking him up!

Inside Information 28.01.08

On Saturday evening Robbie looked up from his computer and told me excitedly that he had some inside information. From his expression I thought it would be something really exciting, but I was disappointed, he announced that plain chocolate HobNobs were to be re-released and re named as Dark Chocolate HobNobs. Since I don't like HobNobs and I don't like dark chocolate, the announcement was of little interest to me and I retreated to bed. In the morning I was hardly awake when Robbie made his first random observation of the day. He asked if I knew that you could now get DCC with sound (train noises), no I didn't know or care! He went on to say that the noise was not accurate because it was only engine noise and not carriage noise. I turned the radio up and retreated back under the covers, leaving Robbie to continue his monologue without an audience.

He was in trouble with the children this morning. He had a very early start and just before 5am he was galloping around the house in his knickers like a furious and very heavy footed troll - Rumpelstiltskin perhaps! He put the radio on and he was humming as he rampaged around, so poor Emily was wide awake much earlier than necessary. Robbie left the house soon after 5.30am so Emily didn't have time to plan her revenge. He was going somewhere in the north, I'm not sure where, I don't always take that much notice! Emily and I had an early journey too, I took her to Kettering to get the train back to Leicester, it was thick fog and the journey was rather challenging but I managed to get home by 7am so that I could make sure that the others were up and ready to leave the house on time.

An Early Night 07.11.07

Robbie went to see a group called Hadouken last night and he didn't get home until after midnight. He phoned me several times during the evening and he promised that he wouldn't wake me up when he arrived home. Bitter experience told me that he would find it impossible to keep his promise, but I thought he would at least try to be quiet. Shortly before 12.30am I was woken by a thunderous bang that could have easily been mistaken for an explosion, it was actually Robbie arriving home and closing the front door!

I knew the kitchen would be his first port of call and by the time he came upstairs I was asleep again. I became vaguely aware that he was leaning over me, but waking up seemed like too much effort. Undeterred Robbie told me several times that he was home, each time he increased in volume and each time I clung desperately to sleep. Finally he resorted to prodding to wake me up! Oh well, another broken promise. At least I got my own back on him, I demanded a cup of tea!

Seven Inches

When I first heard Robbie talking about his 'seven inches' I thought he was deluding himself. However I soon realised that he was talking about his 7in vinyl record collection - what in my day were called singles. By collection I don't mean a handful of records, he has several hundred of these little devils and he still keeps buying more. They are not to be played, he likes them to be perfect so he buys the corresponding CD as well! This creates huge storage issues and the records are particularly fragile. What do you do with a man whose hoarding gene is out of control? Maybe I should buy him a shed!

I wouldn't mind so much if I actually enjoyed some of the music, but with one or two notable exceptions I can't stand it. It is either loud bangy stuff or downright weird! My particular pet hates are Bjork and Radiohead (which sounds like strangled Bjork). If Robbie ever gets into a strop he shuts himself in the kitchen with something horribly loud blaring out from the cd player, it never bothers me, I just leave him shut in there with the washing up. My own methods when irritated are more subtle, if we go out in the car I play the Bee Gees, I like them but Robbie finds all those high notes a bit scary! We do have a couple of Cliff Richard CD's - but that would be cruel and unusual punishment!