Rant of the Week 14.05.07

Everyone needs to have a rant from time to time, Robbie has turned ranting into a performance art and he is able to speak eloquently on any given subject from the correct proportions of a gingernut biscuit to the failings of Network Rail. Compared to David my stepfather, Robbie is a mere amateur. David's favourite themes include the inadequacy of football referees, the appalling standards of driving these days and the reintroduction of national service to instil some discipline among the youth of today. I know most of his themes by heart and when he gets going it takes considerable effort to hide my gentle amusement. He surprised me last week with a brand new theme. I commented that he was looking tired and he said tat he was getting no sleep and if someone didn't do something about his problem soon he didn't know what he would do. I braced myself, it sounded as if we were dangerously close to another informative lecture on painful piles - but I was wrong! Apparently he has been driven almost to distraction by peacocks. Three have set up home in his village and they seem to have chosen his roof as their base. The male of the species may be attractive to look at buy the noise the make is more grating than the noise of fingernails dragged over a blackboard. For such an elegant looking bird they are incredibly heavy footed and with three of them patrolling around the roof it sounded as if they were the size of ostriches. Not exactly conducive to a good nights sleep. He has tried everything he can think of to chase them away, but they keep coming back! I thought about getting Robbie to sing to them, but as mum and David have neighbours we dare not risk it! Any ideas?

My personal rant of the week concerns learner drivers. I don't have anything against them personally, we all have to learn but the thoughtless behaviour of the instructors really gets me going. Surely they don't have to go around in packs. There were three in front of me at the traffic lights on Friday and surprise surprise the lights changed four times before I was able to get across. Having escaped those three I encountered two more, that makes 5 in a 2 mile journey, ridiculous! Worse still it was rush hour and two or three of them seemed to be at the second or third lesson stage. If I was Prime Minister I would legislate to force instructors to be confident of their pupil's ability before taking them out at busy times. After all Tony Blair has spent 10 years building a 'nanny state' so a law against idiots is a logical next move! On the subject of Prime Ministers I have been giving some thought to the next incumbent of Number 10 and since it is not much fun contemplating Gordon Brown, my thoughts strayed to who I would choose if I could nominate someone. I ruled out politicians for the reasons mentioned in a previous post. In the end it seemed an obvious choice - Billy Conolly! He calls a spade a spade, he is genuinely interested in people, he sees the little details, but he good at seeing the bigger picture too and as an added bonus he is quite cute. Can you imagine what he would say to the EU when they wanted straight bananas, or whatever their latest crackpot scheme happened to be! He would be the coolest Prime Minister.

Victory at Last 10.05.07

This should be a day that goes down in history, finally the wilful determination of the British people to think in English has forced the EU to back down! It was announced today that we will not be forced to weigh loose goods in 'foreign nonsense' and we can continue to display prices in Imperial measurements as well as metric.
I began my education at a time of change. I remember the change to decimal currency and the confusion it created for many adults. I learned to manage money in both imperial and decimal with no problems at all, but even at my tender age I recognised that the change of currency was a license to inflate prices!
Length and weight simply has to be measured the English in order to make sense. Just as my grandma used to convert all the prices back to old money in her head, I have to perform mental gymnastics to work out what a metre or a litre is in 'old money'. I can visualise a pint or a foot, I have some idea how heavy an ounce or a pound is but I can't cope with the new weights and measures as it means nothing to me. Imagine popping to the pub for a quick 'half litre', its nonsense! The only possible use I have found for kilograms is when I have to be weighed - it prevents me dying from shock because I have no idea what it means!!
I have no problem with what other countries choose to do in the privacy of their own borders, but when they start telling us how to think it brings our my stubborn side and it seems I'm not the only one! Nobody, not even a Brussels bureaucrat can overcome the determination of the British people.