Who would have thought that the simple act of erecting a gazebo could cause me to have homicidal thoughts! Now that the monsoon season appears to be over my mum wanted us to put her gazebo up so that she and my step father can have a bit of shade in the garden. I had my first encounter with that gazebo last year, it is allegedly a pop up gazebo. It weighs a ton and the one thing it doesn't do is 'pop up' it needs a lot of attention and encouragement and if you are very lucky after half an hour of hard labour the thing will be up. It is absolutely huge, my mum has a big garden, but that thing takes up a lot of room.
This was Robbie's first experience with the gazebo and when I asked him to help he had a 'how hard can it be' look on his face. It didn't take him very long to find out exactly how hard it could be! Simply getting the enormous box out of the shed was a challenge. Then when we got it out of the box there were no instructions, so my mum went off to sort through her vast collection of instruction manuals (for everything that she has ever owned in her adult life!). A little thing like no instructions didn't bother Robbie he began the task with enthusiasm until I pointed out that he was assembling the frame upside down. Why do men think that possessing a 'third leg' gives them superior ability in such matters? It is rare for Robbie to come over all macho and I didn't like what I saw. Undeterred by his error he took charge, barking instructions at me, do this, hold this, fetch that. I kept my temper with great difficulty, he had conveniently overlooked the fact that I had erected this thing before - he was the novice!
To compound my irritation, every so often he would walk across to me and kiss me on the forehead. I could hardly contain my annoyance and when my mum returned with the instructions and a mallet (to peg it into the ground) the temptation was overwhelming. I stood there obediently passing him the parts according to his instruction, but in my head I was considering other uses for that mallet!
Despite his irritating ways I was very grateful to him for helping to sort out the gazebo. Hopefully my mum and step father will be able to enjoy lots of sunny days in the garden.
Sometimes we are reminded in the most painful way that we are just observers in the drama of other people's lives. On Wednesday evening Robbie was travelling home (by train of course), he left his first train and walked along the platform to wait for his connecting train as he usually does. He noticed what he thought was a train spotter standing on the ramp at the end of the platform rather too close to the track. He alerted station staff and walked towards the man, but while he was still some distance away he saw the man walk onto the track, position himself and then within a matter of seconds be hit by a train. Needless to say Robbie was very upset about it and upset for all those people who had to deal with what had happened.
Seeing something like that is not easily forgotten and not easily processed because it gives rise to a muddle of conflicting emotions. First there is shock and sorrow for a life lost and sadness for those left behind. Then there is anger that someone would make such a selfish choice by killing themselves in such a messy and public way, causing trauma and inconvenience to everyone involved. Anger too that someone would choose to end their life while others fight so hard to stay alive yet lose their battle.
There are so many thoughts and so many questions, but perhaps the most pressing question is why would anyone feel that such a terrible death was their only option? Was it some terrible shock that had driven him to such desperate action, or perhaps he felt alone and afraid, unable to endure the troubles that life brings. Could it even have been desperation caused by the incorrect assessments and impossible demands of CSA. I know that Robbie felt very close to giving up when he recently received a totally incorrect demand for £17,000.
Whatever the reason, I hope that this poor man has found peace and I hope that the train driver, station staff and all those who were touched by this tragedy will not suffer lasting effects because of what they witnessed. I also hope that anyone contemplating such a drastic option will reach out to someone close to them and find the help that they so badly need.
When I was chatting with my friend the other day she referred to my recent post about arguments and she pointed out that what I write on the blog is not always the complete picture because the things that really hurt me do not find their way to the blog. I guess she has a point, I do write when I am sad or hurt or worried, and often the process of writing helps, but one my of my greatest frustrations is not being able to write about a person or a situation either because they do not want to be written about or because the situation is too personal or private to write about. To see a friend or family member struggling and being ground down by a situation is almost worse than enduring it yourself especially when there there very little that you can do to help. Very occasionally I have to accept that the issue is completely off limits, but usually I can write more generally about a subject or write about a similar situation from the past.
Once a very long time ago I was bullied. I was in my first job after qualifying and I became increasingly unhappy because of the way my manager behaved towards me. It was quite a long time before I recognised it as bullying because it was very subtle. I was put down for the smallest errors or omissions, things that I did well were ignored or passed off as my manager's work, she criticised me in front of colleagues and clients, she withheld information so that I would make mistakes and look foolish and she gave me the worst jobs and impossible deadlines. It wasn't my first job, so I knew that work shouldn't be like that and I knew that I was competent, but I still felt that somehow it was my fault and my confidence ebbed away to be replaced with anxiety and dread. I felt trapped and powerless, and I was sure that no one would believe me, it was her word against mine,she had a good reputation and she was coming to the end of a successful career. I did the only thing I could do, I kept going and I worked long hours and I tried to meet the impossible targets.
That situation continued for months, I didn't tell anyone, I just became increasingly unhappy and anxious. Then after about 9 months of agony someone more senior than my manager took me aside after a training course and asked me to tell her what was happening. That was the beginning of the solution for me, it took time and it wasn't easy but knowing that I was believed gave me the confidence to stand up for myself and to tackle the bullying. Sadly the manager became ill and left not long afterwards, but by then things were much improved between us and we parted on good terms.
Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight I still wonder why it happened. I don't think she was a bad person, she just behaved unkindly towards me. She was at the end of a career that had given her status and satisfaction and she may perhaps have envied my youth and enthusiasm (I was about 23) and been irritated that I took it all for granted. She was traditional, very respectful of hierarchy and she clung to rules and regulations. It seemed to me at the time that she used rules and policy to justify a 'can't do' attitude and to avoid making decisions, but perhaps that is a bit harsh. I realise now that she was out of her depth, she had been moved out of her comfort zone, I think she was intimidated by the client group and I think that clinging to rules and tradition was her way of feeling in control. I suspect she was unhappy and perhaps a little afraid but it doesn't excuse the way she treated me.
It is hard to admit that you are being bullied and it is probably just as hard to admit to yourself that you are a bully, but acknowledging it is the first step towards putting it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, all theses years later I can still remember how terrible I felt. It was a difficult to face up to those feelings, but having to do so has made me stronger and more determined and I am sure it made me a better manager. When he was Chief Executive of The Industrial Society Tony Morgan said "Workplace bullying - in any form - is bad for business. It destroys teamwork, commitment and morale."
