Life and death are balanced on the edge of a razor - Homer

Sometimes we are reminded in the most painful way that we are just observers in the drama of other people's lives. On Wednesday evening Robbie was travelling home (by train of course), he left his first train and walked along the platform to wait for his connecting train as he usually does. He noticed what he thought was a train spotter standing on the ramp at the end of the platform rather too close to the track. He alerted station staff and walked towards the man, but while he was still some distance away he saw the man walk onto the track, position himself and then within a matter of seconds be hit by a train. Needless to say Robbie was very upset about it and upset for all those people who had to deal with what had happened.


Seeing something like that is not easily forgotten and not easily processed because it gives rise to a muddle of conflicting emotions. First there is shock and sorrow for a life lost and sadness for those left behind. Then there is anger that someone would make such a selfish choice by killing themselves in such a messy and public way, causing trauma and inconvenience to everyone involved. Anger too that someone would choose to end their life while others fight so hard to stay alive yet lose their battle. 


There are so many thoughts and so many questions, but perhaps the most pressing question is why would anyone feel that such a terrible death was their only option? Was it some terrible shock that had driven him to such desperate action, or perhaps he felt alone and afraid, unable to endure the troubles that life brings. Could it even have been desperation caused by the incorrect assessments and impossible demands of CSA. I know that Robbie felt very close to giving up when he recently received a totally incorrect demand for £17,000.  


Whatever the reason, I hope that this poor man has found peace and I hope that the train driver, station staff and all those who were touched by this tragedy will not suffer lasting effects because of what they witnessed. I also hope that anyone contemplating such a drastic option will reach out to someone close to them and find the help that they so badly need.

Getting There

Robbie and I had both had a rather chaotic and distracted week in various ways. He had loads of work to get through before going on holiday and my week at work started badly and got worse so one way or other I seemed to be going round in ever decreasing circles. By Friday I was tired and unfocussed and packing seemed more of a chore than ususal. We were up bright and early on Saturday morning but buy the time we were finally packed and ready to go it was past 9am. It felt great to be leaving behind all the cares of everyday life to have a couple of weeks of freedom.

The sat nav behaved surprisingly well on the whole, there was just one non compliance when it told me to turn off the dual carrageway only to direct me straight back on to it! I love Saturday morning radio but we completed most of the journey without Radio 4 because we were chatting, it was really nice. This is the first time ever that Robbie and I have had time away on our own, it feels really odd, but very special. Laura and Sam have gone to Plymouth for a few days to visit family and Emily is busy with her new job - so that just leaves us to enjoy the peace and quiet of Norfolk.

We reached the bungalow by lunch time and once we were unpacked we were able to relax and enjoy the luxuary of time with nothing to do. There is nothing to compare with sitting looking out across the sea and listening to the regular pulse of waves lapping the shore, it is my idea of heaven. It really is special to have time as a couple with no distractions - well not many distractions anyway. Robbie is always interested in looking out at the ships and before long he had the laptop out and loged on to one of his favourite websites so that he could identify the ships and track their routes. It is a harmless passtime, but he was still at it on Sunday morning!!

We have has such a lovely time so far, it is doing us the world of good.

Freedom 04.03.07

I have had a lovely Saturday enjoying my prize - 24hrs without Robbie! In fact it is almost 24hrs to myself, Emily is here tonight, but she has been at work all day and will be out again tomorrow. Robbie, Laura and Sam have been banished to the North.

I am enjoying watching what I want on TV, holding the remote control is a rare treat. I really don't understand this man thing about having to hold their equipment all the time. I have also been able to eat what I like instead of what other people want - I am the only one in the house who likes tomatoes so i have had lots of tomatoes. I have got lots more jobs done without Robbie around to distract me.

Emily and I were discussing Robbie's most irritating traits today, it was quite a wide ranging discussion, but we both agreed that his knack of not being ready until the last possible moment was the most stressful to deal with. Emily told me that on Wednesday when everyone else was ready and waiting outside, Robbie was still in the kitchen, minus his shirt, shining his shoes. Clean shoes speak volumes, but surely the shirt was the priority at that point. He seems to get a thrill from pushing deadlines and he frequently tells me that he gets his train with only seconds to spare. It drives me mad and it causes unnecessary stress.