It would be fair to say that Robbie and I could (and often do) argue about absolutely anything. The other day we had a fierce row about Fred Dibnah. Robbie has some very dubious interests but without doubt I find his fascination with Fred Dibnah the most difficult to deal with. Usually the mere mention of his name causes me to run for cover, and if Robbie threatens to watch his series on television I take myself off to do something more exciting like watching paint dry. This week it was so cold (and I had run out of paint!) so even the mention of dead Fred wasn't going to make me give up my seat in front of the fire. With gritted teeth I endured half an hour of excruciating boredom, I turned my back on the television and tried to focus on my computer, but it was impossible to ignore and before long by blood pressure was off the scale.
If they ever gave a lifetime achievement award for the most inarticulate man on television he would have beaten Bill and Ben by a mile. I didn't understand a word he said in the whole programme. The trail for the programme mentioned that in this episode he would be taking his steam engine to Sheffield. I was interested because it is a place that is very dear to my heart. I lived there for a while, I love the South Yorkshire accent and I thought it would be nice to see footage of Sheffield as I remember it. Sadly the whole episode seemed to consist of old men standing around in what looked like a pub communicating in monosyllabic grunts. Worse still I don't think there was a woman in the entire episode! We would not show old programmes that are racist so why would anyone think it was ok to show something that is so blatantly sexist? I think I will have to start a 'ban Fred' campaign, his dvds should be relegated to 'under the counter sales' in shops that are frequented by men in dirty raincoats with 'unnatural appetites'
The whole Fred argument led on to another heated exchange about the gender of vehicles. It really irritates me that men refer to cars, lorries, locomotives, steam rollers etc as 'she' when it is blatantly obvious that they are male! I have explained before that my car is definitely male because it is unreliable and expensive to maintain. I only know of one man who's car has a male name, my daughter's boyfriend has a car called Bruce. I was very impressed that he had chosen such an apt name, Bruce is very loud, hard to ignore, rather unconventional and prone to the occasional bad day (apologies to anyone called Bruce but that is what the name conjures up for me). Bruce is a red Citroen Saxo with lots of adaptations. It turns out that it was my daughter who named the car not her boyfriend, so maybe it is a case of like mother like daughter!
I hear that a certain loud and opinionated 'mcp' of Robbie's acquaintance had recently revealed that he is not getting any female attention. He is obviously a slow learner if he has only just worked out that he is not impressing the opposite sex, but perhaps I can offer him a few pointers. Admittedly nature has not been kind to him, he will never be an adonis but at present he makes Homer Simpson seem refined, so despite his limited resources a few simple changes may help.
1. Be clean and smart, wear modest quantities of (quality) aftershave and avoid alarming hair styles/colours. Have a good look in the mirror, realise your wife has to look at that every day!
2. Search the house somewhere you will find an iron and an ironing board - learn to use it! It will win loads of brownie points!
3. Look around the kitchen, you should find a kettle, a cooker and a washing machine, learn to use those too, pamper your wife a bit.
4. Have another look around the house, you will find a hoover, a toilet brush, cleaning materials - none of these are labelled women only - USE THEM!
5. Put the TV remote control down - it is not a phallic symbol!
6. Be quiet, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it. You may be the only person who likes hearing your voice. Listen to what your wife wants to talk about and show an interest in what she is talking about.
7. Forget the sexist comments (unless you enjoy celibacy). Remember what you saw in the mirror, don't make matters worse!
8. Learn some manners - and use them. Complement your wife on her hair or outfit, but don't go over the top.
9. Be thoughtful, do things that she enjoys sometimes, remember she may not find football on TV much of a turn on!
10. Be careful what you eat/drink, beer and curry are a big turn off - so is flatulence.
Follow this advice and with a bit of luck and a darkened room you may (eventually) get lucky!!
