Every path hath a puddle - George Herbert

When I was thinking of a title for this blog post the quotation above seemed to to be a perfect fit, not least because this week began with a wet and miserable Monday. The cold wet morning came as quite a surprise after an unusually warm September and a surprisingly mild and sunny start to October. It was our ninth wedding anniversary on Saturday and we spent the weekend in Exeter. The choice of destination was a compromise, I had suggested a number of possible places to visit, but Robbie found fault with each one. At first I thought he was just being difficult but it didn't take me long to work out that Baldrick Burgess had a cunning plan to fit in a journey on an HST and he was going to veto every destination until I chose a place that suited his plan. I didn't mind too much, I'm not a fan of HSTs but it's not too much of a hardship and it gives Robbie a lot of pleasure. I didn't appreciate having to get up before the birds, but time together is precious and we were determined to enjoy the weekend to the full.

Robbie at our anniversary meal in Exeter

I like train journeys for many reasons, but perhaps more than anything else I value the thinking time and conversation. It is rare for either of us to sit still for so long with no demands on our time, and it is nice to be still and enjoy having time to chat. As it was our anniversary it is hardly surprising that we were in reflective mood. In a way marrying Robbie was an act of madness, we are a bit of an odd couple and I think a few of our friends doubted our sanity. For me the biggest commitment had been made a year earlier, exactly a year earlier in fact, in the first days of October ten years ago. Robbie and I had been together for just a few months when circumstances took a sudden and surprising turn. He rang me one morning in a state of great agitation, he had just been informed that he needed to take responsibility for his children on a full time basis starting that day. He had a one bedroom flat, which was large enough for his children to stay overnight with him once or twice a week, but it would have proved too cramped and ill equipped for a longer stay and it looked as if the children would be with him for several months. I didn't hesitate, the obvious solution was for them to come to me and so by that evening our three children each had become a blended family of six children. 

There were problems of course, but remarkably few, the children got on well and the Burgess children made the transition to a new school with little difficulty. Coping with six children was a very exhausting experience for me (and for Robbie) but I found it extremely rewarding. At the time my step children were 13, 9 and 5, each one was different but very like Robbie in their various ways. His son often asked to come with me in the car when I went to pick up my daughters from their music lessons or band practice. He was a gentle, thoughtful lad with a lovely nature; he loved to chat and like Robbie he was interested in a vast array of subjects. He shared my keen interest in history and like Robbie he had a passion for films and an eclectic taste in music. We had some fascinating conversations and he enjoyed listening to my music CDs. Robbie's older daughter was a clever and determined nine year old, who seemed older than her years. Like her older step sisters she enjoyed clothes and accessories and she had very firm opinions about what she should wear, in fact she had strong opinions about almost everything. She could be quite outspoken at times, and like Robbie tact wasn't her strong point - her disapproval when we were not having one of her favourite meals was expressed eloquently with just a look and a sigh. Even at age nine it was clear that she had the potential to do well in whatever she chose to do with her life. 

The five year old girl was like a miniature version of Robbie in every way, she looked even more like him than her brother (her sister is much more like her mum) and she had Robbie's ready smile and wicked sense of humour. There was a certain quirkiness about the little girl, she wasn't going to be like everyone else, even at five she had the confidence to be herself whether people liked it or not. I remember taking her to see my elderly aunt one day, my aunt had always enjoyed the company of children and it didn't surprise me that the two of them were soon engrossed in conversation. I popped into the kitchen to put the kettle on and I returned to hear the little girl ask my aunt why she used a walking stick. My aunt explained that she had a poorly hip and she needed the stick to keep her steady. The five year old gave her a thoughtful look and then she asked "couldn't you just try harder?". Clearly she had inherited Robbie's tendency to be a little too direct at times. She had also inherited his strong will and stubbornness, but I had a feeling that these would be a strength rather than a weakness. I already cared deeply about Robbie, and it didn't take long for me to become attached to these bright, lively children who were so like him in their different ways. The months that followed were exhausting and at times noisy and chaotic, but they were happy and all the children thrived. 

So by the following year when Robbie and I married we had already been through an eventful and at times challenging year. It was still a big decision to get married, but we knew that we were strong and that we could cope with the ups and downs of life. We were different in so many ways which made some people think that we were a very odd couple. Perhaps they were right, we’re unconventional certainly, but it works! It hasn't always been easy, we have encountered plenty of challenges over the years, but together we have coped and it has made us stronger. Our lives are still very busy, and Robbie often has to stay away from home on business, so we take time to have fun and to enjoy life whenever we can. We had a lovely trip to Exeter, we stayed in a very nice hotel just a stones throw from the station and it was mild enough for me to have the window open to listen to the sounds of the railway throughout our stay - perfect! 

What is Normal?

Yesterday would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary, but sadly Eric and I only made it to 17 years before he died. It is an odd feeling because I know that he wanted me to move on and get on with life and make things as normal as possible for the children, but I think that part of our lives will always be in limbo. I am not sure that we ever came close to achieving 'normality' as a family and while having Robbie in our lives has been good it certainly hasn't brought us closer to normality. After all Robbie and normal do not exactly go together in fact they are mutually exclusive! I feel so lucky that he is part of our lives and he has been extremely supportive of the children in so many ways, but still the thing I miss most is just being an ordinary family without the complications and the extra dynamics. I really hope that doesn't sound ungrateful because I am extremely fond of my step children and I know that having Robbie in family has greatly enriched the lives of my children, but still there is that feeling of being the only parent and trying so hard to get it right. Teenagers are very free with their criticism, but it is rare for a word of praise to ever pass their lips so it is hardly surprising that parents feel that they are a bit of a let down, and the complications increase when step relationships are added to the equation. Sam's computer is a good example, I have wasted hours over the last few days nursing that thing back to health, but if you believed his rants my only intention was to deprive him of any enjoyment and to isolate him from everything that is important in his life! Are all boys of 14 totally paranoid?

Father's Day

It was Father's Day on Sunday and in our house that is a day of very mixed emotions. My own dad died when I was still at school, and I still remember the pain of Father's Day without a father to buy a card for. I have a step father, he is not a substitute for my dad, but over the years he has become special in his own right and he has been a fantastic grandad to my children. The mixed feelings are much the same for my children, Robbie is a brilliant step dad and he has a good relationship with each of them but that does not replace their dad. Being a step parent is always a challenge, and in my case there was no vacancy to fill, they have a mum and a dad, so I needed to find a different sort of role with Robbie's children, more like a grown up friend than a parent. Of course from the other angle it is difficult to accept a step parent, how dare your parent inflict this person on you without giving you any choice in the matter and apparently without taking your feelings into account. My own stepfather didn't always get it right in the early days, but because of him I know that a good step-parent can make so much difference to family life.

Robbie misses his children when he is not with them especially on Fathers Day and birthday's, but we have some happy times when we are all together. Robbie's main present was the latest in the series of British Transport Films DVD's but it hadn't arrived on time so he is looking forward to getting that later in the week. He also had a couple of books, a big glossy book about railway blunders and a little book packed with railway facts. He loved both books, but by the end of the day I was getting a bit fed up with all those facts. That little book has a section on timetables and lots of information about Bradshaw's, he is bad enough as it is without a little book of facts to encourage him to bombard me with random railway information!