Probably Not the Next Samuel Pepys

I had to write a one day diary for a local history project that I am involved with so I thought that I would share it on the blog too.

Saturday 22nd September 2012

I really must be mad! The insistant bleeping of the alarm clock woke me at 4.30am, I reached out to turn it off and then remembered that I had moved it out of reach the night before to make absolutely sure that I woke up. I sat up and reached down to silence the alarm clock, Robbie was still sleeping soundly so I gave him a prod and told him that it was 4.30am and if he wanted to catch his train he needed to get moving right now, then I dashed off to beat him to the bathroom. When I got back to the bedroom he plodded off to get ready while I sneaked back under the covers for ten minutes, after all 'normal people' would still be fast asleep. The next thing I knew it was almost 5am and he was back in the bedroom showered and almost ready to go. It is surprising how fast you can get ready when you really have to. 

When I got downstairs he was just packing his lunch into his rucksack and by the time he got outside I had already started the car and we were all ready to go. The car knows the way to the railway station, we do that journey so often. On weekdays we are usually up at 5am so that he can catch his train to Birmingham just after 6am, so I look forward to a more leisurely start to the day on Saturdays and Sundays. Unfortunately the lure of the railway gets the better of him and he just can't keep away. Today he is going to the Deltic Gathering at the East Lancashire Railway, he is absolutely passionate about Deltics, especially his favourite Royal Scots Grey. I would have gone with him because I like Deltics too, but I have a terrible cough at the moment, it is exhausting and I haven't been sleeping very well, so I just don't have the stamina to cope with a long day on the railways at the moment.

He waved as he slammed the car door and walked towards the station. I felt a sense of relief, I had fulfilled my promise and got him there on time, now the rest of the day was my own and if I wanted to I could go back to bed. I clicked the radio on, radio 4 is the soundtrack to my life, I always have the radio on at home or in the car. I only half listened to the discussion about TB in cattle and the pros and cons of culling badgers to limit the spread of bovine TB, as I drove up the hill away from the railway station. I was thinking that my ancestors were closely linked with this part of the town. My great grandfather was orphened when very young, he grew up in the work house, but he when he was sent to be an appentice to a cordwainer in Leicester Street, he found a trade and a family and he spent the rest of his life in Leicester Street. His daughter my great grandmother grew up there, had her first home as a married woman in the next street and she brought her large family up just a couple of streets away. The area as they knew it is now long gone, but there is still one landmark that they would recognise, the spire of Seps Church still points heavenward, the clock still measures the relentless march of time in hours and minutes. The church which for centuries has witnessed the joys and sorrows of the people, stands strong and defiant amid the 'here today gone tomorrow' buildings of our modern town, reminding us of lasting values that are too easily forgotten amid the demands of modern life.

When I got home I put the kettle on for a much needed cup of tea and while I waited for it to boil I sorted the laundry into piles and put on the first load of the day. I was too awake to go back to bed and sleep, but I felt bruised and exhausted from all the coughing so I took my cup of tea and my laptop up to bed. I may not sleep but at least I could sit quietly with the radio and my laptop to occupy me. I enjoyed a couple of hours catching up with email and facebook and I began to write my diary entry for today. I must have fallen asleep at some point because it was mid morning when I woke up. I enjoyed a long relaxing bath while listening to Radio 4, a shower is fine most of the time, but there is something special about a nice hot bath. I wish this cough would get better, it is so exhausting.

It is unusual to be at home on my own, but today was very quiet, my son stayed at his friend's house last night, my older daughter had gone to Milton Keynes with her boyfriend and my younger daughter was shut in her room writing up notes in preparation for her post graduate course at Leicester University which begins on Monday. I like my own company and I never struggle to fill my time. There was a whole list of jobs demanding my attention today, but I only did the laundry and the routine tasks, I decided that the peace and quiet was too precious to waste, the other jobs can wait until I feel better.

The only problem with doing nothing is that you have too much time to think and this was one of those days that provided a lot to think about. Nine years ago today I sat with my first husband Eric in the Three Shires Hospital as the last hours of his life slipped away; then I went home and told my children that their dad was dead. Life goes on but those memories don't  fade, it is not something that you forget despite the passage of time, the details of that day are imprinted on my mind. I found myself wondering how he would feel about the way our lives have changed. I hope that I have done a good enough job as a parent, it hasn't always been easy. Eric didn't want me to be on my own if the worst should happen, but it must be hard at times for Robbie, living with a ghost. Perhaps it helps that they are very different. 

My son came home and my daughter emerged from her room, she had finished her work and was ready to fulfill her promise to paint my nails with crackle nail varnish, silver base with black crackle on top. It looked very nice. I hardly ever wear nail varnish, but it is nice to spoil myself once in a while and it is lovely to share moments like this with my daughter.

Time went on, we ate early because my daughter was going out later. My daughter went to get ready and I left my son to feed the cats while I drove to the station to pick my Robbie up. On the way back we popped into Morrisons for a printer cartridge and one or two essentials. I was glad to get home, but I had to go straight out again because my daughter wanted a lift into town. She looked amazing. We picked her friend up on the way and I dropped them both off at The Goose. By the time I got home again Robbie had a cup of tea waiting for me and I chatted to him about his day for a little while, he'd had a lovely time. 

Later on Robbie wanted to watch a film, it wasn't really my sort of thing so I decided to head up to bed with my laptop to listen to Radio 4 Extra and catch up with my friends on facebook. The cough was impossible, I couldn't stop coughing and I couldn't get my breath, it was a very frightening feeling, I was exhausted but I knew that I had another sleepless night ahead of me. Thank goodness for the internet and friends who stay up late and are happy to chat at 2am. How different from my childhood when my mum considered it very bad manners to make a telephone call after 9pm. 

Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober - 1 Thessalonians 5:6 King James Version

Robbie wanted to go out on Friday evening, I wasn't keen because he'd had a very challenging week and I knew that he was very tired and struggling to cope with pain from his back and legs. However it was the anniversary of his friend's death and he needed to meet with other friends to remember better times. I begged him not to be too late home because I was tired too and I didn't want to be too late to bed.

We had spoken on the phone before he went out and I kept my mobile close to me hoping that he would remember his promise not to be too late. It remained silent all evening so I sent him a text to say that I was going to bed and he should ring me when he needed a lift. I sat in bed listening to the radio and doing some writing on my netbook, trying to stay awake. He finally rang to say that he needed picking up at midnight and I asked him to ring me again when he got to Rugby just to make sure that I hadn't dozed off. Time marched on and no call came, so I set off for the station, I thought Robbie had just forgotten ring. 

When I got to the station I began to worry that Robbie may have fallen asleep, so I rang him several times and sent texts for him to contact me, but there was no reply. A stream of people wandered wearily around to the car park indicating that Robbie's train was in, I looked and looked but there was no Robbie. After a brief flurry of activity the car park was still and silent again and I was still there waiting. Time passed very slowly but eventually a few more weary travellers came into view, another train had arrived, but after a brief moment of hope my heart sank, there was no sign of Robbie. By this time I was seriously worried, my mind raced, perhaps he'd had a bad fall, perhaps he had even fallen under a train ........... Finally the truth became clear, a rather confused text from Robbie revealed that he had fallen asleep on the train and ended up in Buckinghamshire. A phone call followed and a rather unhappy Robbie admitted that it would be a long wait for him to make his way back. I wasn't best pleased, but at least he was safe, so I couldn't be too angry. We finally got home at about 2am - not the best start to a weekend! 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief - Aeschylus

To say that we have had a bad few weeks would be an understatement, I wrote before about the horror of receiving a bill for close on £17,000 dating back fourteen years and finding it practically impossible to provide evidence from that long ago to prove what Robbie was doing then and that he was not liable for the bill. The worry about the alleged debt has been crushing and the work involved to challenge it has not only been exhausting it has taken over our lives. However other shattering events have made us realise that our troubles pale into insignificance compared to the sorrow that others have to face. A young girl known to one of my children killed herself a week ago. I can only begin to imagine the total desolation that her parents must feel; it is such a terrible waste of a young and talented life, it is so totally pointless that words fail me.

It seems wrong to write about the death of a pet in the same post as the tragic loss of a young woman on the brink of adulthood. I mean no disrespect, but to us the loss of Megan was extremely painful. A week ago I came home from work to find that she was unsteady on her feet, she could walk, but not very well and she seemed to be having difficulty eating – a sure sign that something was wrong. Meg and Robbie were great friends and like Robbie Meg not only cleared her own plate in record time, she would clear everyone else’s scraps! Meg was about nine months old when we adopted her from a rehoming centre; she was a failed sheepdog - because she was afraid of sheep! She was afraid of all sorts of things, but she was a very good natured dog with a passion for ball games - she could handle a football far better than most of the England team! She was about fifteen and very much part of our family, we knew that she would not last forever, but we were not ready to lose her. That evening it became clear that she had suffered a stroke and the only kind option was to have her put to sleep rather than allow her to suffer. We miss her very much, even the cats miss her, but she had a good life and she brought a lot of happiness to our lives. 

'Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole'.

Death By Misadventure - Well Almost!

Dave had a near death experience last night and it was partly my fault. My favourite meal is liver and bacon, but I always pick the bits of onion out of the gravy, the onion needs to be there to flavour the gravy but there is no way that I want to eat that slimy stuff so I pick it out. I usually put the onion bits in a little plastic bag but yesterday there was an empty crisp packet at the top of the bin so I scooped the gravy covered onion into that folded it over a few times and put it in the bin. I thought no more about it and in due course I went To bed. The problem is that a when it comes to food Dave is a chap who just can't say no (a bit like Robbie really!) and old habits are hard to break, he was a stray for a long time and he still has a compulsion to rummage through the bins. It seems Dave went rummaging in the bin, found the crisp packet and in an attempt to get the bits of onion and gravy he got the crisp packet stuck on his head. Robbie came home very late from a rail tour and he found Dave sprawled on the floor in the hall almost unconscious with the crisp packet on his head. At first Robbie thought he was dead but when he removed the crisp packet and stroked him for a little while Dave revived and by the time I went down to feed him in the he was his old self again. I would have been devastated if anything had happened to him, I love that cat so much.

Regrets, I Have A Few ..........................

Today would have been my Silver Wedding Anniversary, but sadly Eric and I only clocked up 17 years before his life was cut short by cancer. My life is very different now Robbie and I are together and the children are grown up and busy with their own lives. How am I supposed to feel? I really don't know. I can't help feeling pangs of regret for the life that we might have had and the pain of watching my children grow up without their dad and knowing that he has missed out on so much is something that I can not begin to put into words. People often say that life goes on, that's true, life goes on like it or not and you have to make the best of it. More to the point that is exactly what Eric would have wanted us to do. When I look at the children I see him in so many different ways, a smile, an expression, a mannerism and even in a particular way of walking. He would be so proud of of all their achievements and the confident and independent young people they have become. I often wonder what he would think about me and Robbie, I know that he would want me to be happy and to get on with the rest of my life, I think he would find it amusing that I had chosen someone so very different, but he would have been pleased that the children had the love and support of a caring step father. So perhaps more than anything today has reminded me not to dwell for too long on the what if's. Instead I will treasure the memories the life we had, and I will live my life to the full and value all the people who mean so much to me. 

Memories

I am a Radio 4 addict, I even listen to the radio in the bathroom. My favourite radio programme is the Archers, I have been listening to it for so long that I couldn't imagine life without it. I will not admit quite how long I have been listening to the Archers but when we were talking about it last week I realised that I have been listening to it since before Robbie was born! Over the last week or so the series has been dealing with the death of one of the main characters Phil Archer, we knew it was coming because Norman Painting the actor who played Phil died before Christmas, but it is still terribly sad. However the character and the actor who played him had lived long and fulfilling lives and you should not be sad about a life well lived even a fictional one. There are some deaths that are much harder to come to terms with. It is three years this month since Emily's friend Charles died in a car accident. It was such a shock, he was a very careful driver and it was one of those freak accidents that didn't involve excess speed or alcohol, it should not have happened. It happened on a bend on a country road, I think he may have swerved to avoid an animal but I guess we will never know, he came off the road, hit a tree and died of head injuries. He packed a lot of living into his almost 18 years, but it seems such a waste, he had so much potential. His friends friends will not forget him, they still miss him very much. I hope his death with remind other drivers to be extra careful on the road even on routes you take every day.

Not a Good Week

It is a week since we got home from holiday and there is only one thing that I didn't miss when we left Cornwall – the narrow roads! The Cornish roads around Padstow are not very wide and if you meet a vehicle coming the other way it can be a hair raising experience. The roads are beautiful with high hedges and wild flowers growing along the verge, they may look harmless but they demand respect. The hedges are built with earth and stone, they are made to last, so when you have to pull in to the edge of the road the innocent looking vegetation may conceal sharp edges ready to scratch your paintwork. It feels good to be driving on normal roads again!

It has been a horrible week. After a fortnight of Robbie 24 – 7, I was quite looking forward to sending him back to work, but I really missed him and I hardly saw anything of him during the week. I missed a school reunion when I was on holiday, I was glad of an excuse not to go. I am not a going out sort of person anyway, but after this long I convinced myself that my former classmates would be younger, thinner and smarter than me! Despite my misgivings I was keen to hear news of the reunion and I contacted one of the people who had organised the event. I was expecting the usual inconsequential stuff about people I knew a lifetime ago. Instead she told me that someone who was a close friend during my school days had killed herself. It came as such a shock, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I have perhaps encountered more than my fair share of illness and loss, but I had never been confronted by suicide before, I can't imagine the despair and distress that would lead someone to take their own life. I wish life had been kinder to her.

Robbie also had bad news, he has been worried about his friend's health for months and last week his friend was finally diagnosed with a brain tumour. Robbie is a typical man, he is not good at feelings and all that stuff, and he found the news very difficult to accept. At first Robbie's anxiety and shock combined with an inner rage because he felt so powerless to help. I felt pretty useless too because there was nothing I could do or say to make him feel better. His friend has been foremost in his thoughts all week.

Tears

On Saturday lunchtime I answered the phone to find Emily sobbing on the other end. It was difficult to make sense of what she was saying and a ripple of fear ran through me, obviously something very bad had happened and as she and Laura were both at work my first fear was that something had happened to Laura. Through her tears Emily managed to tell me that one of her co-workers had died and Emily was so upset by the news that she had been allowed to go home. I dashed out to pick her up and by the time I found her she was a little bit calmer. Karen, had only been off sick for three or four weeks and the news of her death had come as a terrible shock. Emily liked her because she was a bit 'dizzy' like Emily and she was always helpful and friendly at work. She had young children so her death was especially sad. Cancer is such a cruel illness.

The previous day we had been delighted by the news of a new life and so soon afterwards we were reminded of the sadness of death. It is the way of the world, but the pain is especially bitter when someone dies so tragically young. It certainly pushes our own trivial worries back into perspective and it reminds us to make the most of our own lives.

Robbie went to a gig last night, to see The Breeders, so I spent the evening trying to stay awake because I had to pick him up from the station at 12.40am! He still managed to get up for work at 5.15am, but as usual I thought Monday morning had arrived far too soon.

Royal Scotts Grey 24.02.08

Robbie went to see his Uncle on Friday. It was one of those uncomfortable situations where he needed to visit, but once there he felt lost for words. There isn't very much that you can say to someone who has only just been told that their time is very short, perhaps just being there was enough. I spoke to him afterwards and I think he was quite shaken by seeing his uncle looking so poorly.

On Friday evening he travelled north and stayed overnight somewhere near Liverpool ready to make an early start for the charter trip in the morning. I was woken at 7.13am by a text from Robbie to tell me that Royal Scots Grey was purring nicely - do I care? After plotting my revenge, I curled up under the covers determined to have another half hour in bed before facing the demands of the day. After that he got so caught up in the day's activities that he forgot all about me, but I was busy with my own activities.

On Sunday Robbie began his very slow journey home. Network Rail must have known that Robbie was heading back from the North and they did their best to keep him off the rails, he encountered delays and replacement busses and took almost as long to get back from Liverpool as Sam took to get back from Austria! Hopefully he will have taken some nice photos, I have been so busy with washing that I haven't had a chance to look at the camera yet.

A Busy Weekend 22.02.08

Well, Robbie has gone for the weekend. After work today he is heading off to see his other woman - Royal Scots Grey (an engine!). I don't mind, it makes him happy and at least he doesn't expect me to go with him. He was really looking forward to this weekend, but sadly some family news has overshadowed everything. His Uncle is dying and is not expected to live more than a couple of days, so Robbie is going to see him this afternoon.

The Bottom Line 28.01.08

BE LOUD!

Today it is my turn for a 'did you know' and hopefully this one is a little more relevant than some of Robbie's random comments. Did you know that this is BE LOUD week? Perhaps not, but it is really important so I have decided to write about it. BE LOUD is an awareness and fundraising campaign by Beating Bowel Cancer. By BEING LOUD about bowel cancer and its symptoms, dispelling the embarrassment so often associated with the disease, we can help to save lives from the second most deadly cancer in the UK.

So, why is this so important to me? It is important because bowel cancer caught early is very treatable, it doesn't have to be a killer and it doesn't have to devastate lives. My husband Eric woke one night with an acute pain in his side, at first he was told that he had a pulled muscle, then they thought it was hepatitis, but the dreadful truth was that he had bowel cancer and it had already spread to his liver. He was a fighter and if willpower and determination could have saved him he would be here now, but it couldn't and he isn't here now. It took just three months from the first sign of illness for the cancer to devastate his body and leave him unrecognisable. His final act of willpower was to survive for one more day so that he didn't die on my birthday. He was 38. We now know that his bowel cancer probably has a genetic link and our children will need to be monitored from their mid twenties onwards.

The symptoms of bowel cancer can be very slight, almost unnoticeable and they can easily be ignored because they could easily have very minor causes. The message is BE LOUD, befriend your bowel, be brave, it is good to talk about bottoms - it could save a life!

Bureaucracy gone mad! 29.08.07

I have spent the evening writing a strong letter to the Mutual Society that provided the savings plans we have paid into over the years so that the children would have a little money to help them through university. One of Emily's plans has matured and I have had to wage war with the company because they are insisting that they will only deal with my late husband as he was the first named adult on the policy. They have been happy enough to take my money all this time but they need him to sign on the dotted line, provide proof identity and have the money paid into his account. Despite various letters and phone calls we are no further forward, hence the stroppy letter. I have provided his death certificate twice, I would have thought that was fairly conclusive evidence of death but they are not convinced. It is so frustrating!!

It is not the first time that I have struggled to get things altered. Having had proof of death the tax office addressed a letter to The Late Mr J...., insisting that he had to complete and sign his tax return before they could finalise his tax affairs. My solicitor wrote to them in a rather more animated letter than the usual dull legal jargon! It took me over 3 years to get the TV licence transferred into my name, I can't understand why it is so complicated, after all it is a situation that they must come across quite frequently. I couldn't help laughing when our telephone provider had been especially helpful in sorting everything out and then spoiled it by writing to my late husband to thank him for informing them of his death and inviting him to view his bill online in future!

Back to the present, Robbie was back at work today after the holiday, he had to get up at 5.15am as there was no direct rail route to Birmingham today. He had worked out a contorted route in order to avoid the replacement coaches which take forever to get there. I was not at my best at 5.15am and I think Robbie was rather glad to escape! He was a bit late home because of ongoing travel complications and he was a bit disheartened because his MD has 'gone over to the dark side'. I can't blame him, I think given the choice most employees would rather work for Virgin than Arriva even if that means working for Virgin West Coast. A couple of other senior managers are leaving too, Robbie will be sad to see them go and he is worried about the loss of knowledge and leadership when the CrossCountry franchise transfers to Arriva in November.

On a More Serious Note 24.02.07

Well, Friday was another one of those days when I couldn't do right for doing wrong. Walking on eggshells is an essential parenting skill, but as the children become older it becomes increasingly challenging.

Poor old Emily is still crushed by grief following the death of her friend Charles. I don't think I have ever felt so useless, anything I say or do just makes it worse. He was such a lovely young man; life can be so cruel sometimes.

Samuel went to school in tears on Friday morning because I have apparently embarrassed him. Nothing unusual there, I am apparently a constant embarrassment to my children! My particular sin this morning was to send a note to his teacher, Sam hates anything that draws attention to him. He can be engaging, funny and thought provoking, but the reality of living with autistic spectrum disorder is often scary for him and very difficult for those around him.

We went to school with Laura to discuss her A Level options on Thursday evening. She was given a formal offer for the subjects she wanted, Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Geography and I thought it was a very successful meeting. I felt that Robbie and I had dressed appropriately, behaved properly and not said or done anything that could have embarrassed her in any way. Laura disagreed!

We saw her class tutor who I rather like. The poor chap has the misfortune of looking at least 15 years older than his true age - not good when you are in your mid 20's. To make matters worse he looks incredibly like a jelly baby which makes it very difficult to have a serious conversation with him. Apart from telling him that Laura's art teacher was useless, I behaved perfectly. I could have said that her behaviour suggested that she was an alcoholic, but 'useless' seemed to sum up the situation succinctly.

We then went to see a senior teacher about Laura's sixth form options. I didn't comment on the fact that he was more camp than Graham Norton or that he had a larger ego than Jeremy Paxman. When he said that General Studies was a very useful subject, I didn't tell him that he was talking out of his rear end. I smiled sweetly and pointed out that it cannot be counted for University entry and Laura's general knowledge is extremely good, in fact it is a little too good for my liking at times!

Robbie is also giving cause for concern. He will shoot me for putting this on the blog, but he is really struggling with his back and he is desperately trying to pretend everything is OK. If he tries hard enough he may even convince himself!! He is going back to the doctors, even if I drag him there kicking and screaming!

We were gutted last night when the news of the rail crash involving a virgin train came up on his pager - yes, he found the pager! Robbie couldn't settle and kept up with the news until late into the night. I feel very sad for the people involved and their families, especially for the family of the lady who died. It is hard to imagine the horror of the crash when as a family we are still coming to terms with the enormity of the death of Emily's friend Charles. The news reports made me so cross when they said that an elderly woman had 'lost her life', people lose keys or money, they don't lose their lives, they die. Death is not a deliberate or careless act, it is one of the few certainties of life but it is impossibly hard to bear when it happens a 17 year old or as a result of a horrific crash. Richard Branson seems to have reacted quickly and appropriately. I know he has his critics, but he sounded shocked and sincere unlike the head of Network Rail - weasel words from a chap who looks like a ferret.