Lost For Words

Photo by ZoofyTheJi

It is not really true that I am lost for words. I could write about Robbie's missing pants (again), he got so wound up about two missing pairs of black pants yesterday. One pair wasn't missing at all, they were folded in the pile of laundry that I had taken up to the bedroom the previous evening. Apparently I hadn't folded them correctly and on the way to the station he patiently explained how to fold his underwear and amazingly he survived - I must be mellowing in my old age!  The other pair of favourite pants were not far away either, he 'found' them this morning and stood there waving them at me triumphantly in the style of a bull fighter - it isn't the best sight first thing in the morning! 


I could write about the roof leaking when we had torrential rain last Saturday night. It dripped through the ceiling on to Robbie's side of the bed, it ruined some of his precious railway books and it spoiled the covers of some of his vinyl records. He was so angry about it. After rescuing his things and finding a container to catch the water he stormed off to sleep on the sofa and I was left wide awake worrying about how much it is going to cost to fix the roof. It will be a huge amount because it will require scaffolding. 

Photo by Laura Jones

What I really want to write about is how much I love Robbie and how useless I feel sometimes. I am not a soppy, sentimental sort of person but I do care deeply about him and I have been terribly worried by the level of pain that he has been experiencing in recent months. Pain is exhausting and constant pain can be really lowering because it affects everything you do and it changes the way you feel about yourself. Robbie is so strong and so determined to be 'normal' (in his own unique way) but it gets him down when his back hurts and his legs misbehave. I can't take his pain away but I can be strong and help him to accept the need for more effective long term pain management. I can make sure he takes his tablets and help him to cope with the rather unpleasant side effects. The tablets make him very tired, waking him up in the morning is like trying to raise the dead. Sometimes he gets very cross with me and he has been known to tell me to go away in no uncertain terms, but I don't take too much notice of that. One way or another we will get through this. It will take a long time and a lot of trial and error to find the correct medication and the correct dose to manage the pain without devastating side effects. I need to be strong, I will not let him give up.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

It seems that Robbie is aspiring to become a Mills and Boon writer - in other words creating a work of fiction that doesn't sound real and expecting the readers to suspend their disbelief! He didn't get as far as writing it down but the more he repeated the story the less believable it became.

Robbie managed to upset me during the afternoon. I was having the day from hell, in fact it is no exaggeration to say that it was the week from hell. Things were going wrong at every turn, it felt like a line of dominoes falling over. I will not bore you with the whole list of problems, but the final straw was the car not passing it's MOT, needing several expensive repairs and not being ready until Monday or Tuesday. The frustration and expense had me really worried and when I told Robbie about it all he could say was that he was OK because he had his bus pass! I felt so upset that I put the phone down, so he was in a mood with me and I didn't hear from him again that day.

Robbie was due home soon after 6pm and after a dreadful week I was looking forward to a 'normal' evening. Six, seven and eight o'clock came and went with no Robbie and no contact. I guessed that he was out enjoying himself and he wasn't going to tell me because he knew I wouldn't like it. The trouble is that it is always possible that he could have had an accident or been taken ill and as time went on I couldn't put those thoughts out of my mind, so by 9pm I was angry and worried.

10pm came and went and there was still no contact so I got on with all the evening jobs and at around 11pm I locked the front door, took the key out and went to bed. I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew it was 11.30pm and I got a text thanking me for locking him out - he had forgotten his key! I got up and let him in, but I was in no mood for excuses and I went straight back to bed.

The next morning he told me that he had gone out for a drink because I had annoyed him. He'd caught the train to Rugby but had dozed off and only woken up as he was departing Milton Keynes for Euston (any excuse for a bit of cranking!). He then had to buy a ticket to get back home. He said he didn't bother to text me because he was annoyed with me. To borrow a word from my son - whatever! I hope his adventure was worth a night on the sofa!

Perspective

Life has a way of putting things in perspective. It seems as if one thing after another has gone wrong recently, a broken shower, a nail in my tyre, my mobile phone has given up the ghost and worse of all my laptop is apparently beyond repair. Last week I had a painful reminder that they are all just things and in the end none of them matter a jot. We heard last week that Robbie's friend who has been ill for some time has taken a turn for the worse. It is a very difficult time for him and his family and it leaves everyone feeling completely powerless.

Total Panic

I must have aged at least ten years last night. Sam went out to an event connected to his youth group, he left the house at about 5pm and everything seemed fine. He was getting a lift home with a friend and was due back at about 9pm but he didn't turn up. Robbie got increasingly worried and kept trying to call Sam, but he didn't answer his phone or reply to texts. Robbie rang me as soon as I left work, I was so worried, I tried to ring him but he didn't answer my calls either, so I drove around looking for him just in case he had wandered off after being dropped off. By nearly 11pm I was terrified, I went home to pick Robbie up so that we could go back and have another look at the church, it seemed to be in darkness but perhaps there was still someone there. I tried yet again to call Sam and this time he answered, he was on his way home, I was so relieved. He had turned his phone on to silent and lost track of the time, so he had no idea that we would be worried. His first question when he got home was "Am I grounded?"

After that episode we both needed a bit of time to unwind. Robbie sat in the corner with his headphones on listening to loud music on his laptop. I glanced across at him and almost burst out laughing, he was nodding his head and opening and closing his mouth he looked like a fish version of a nodding dog!

Missing, Presumed .........................

Robbie is in the dog house again, he went missing this evening, he didn't come home and I had no contact at all until 11pm when he rang to arrange a lift for just after midnight. Someone has a bit of explaining to do, I was so worried, I thought he had fallen under a train or something!