'....... A rare and gentle thing'

I started writing this on Saturday, so it relates to the last days of October.

It's been a strange week, the clocks went back last weekend and it has taken me most of the week to adjust my body clock. The weather  has been surprisingly warm and pleasant for the start of November so the darker evenings seem strangely out of place. The autumn has always been my least favourite time of the year, and the dark evenings with their reminder of the long winter months ahead have left me feeling a bit out of sorts. Robbie is working away at the moment so I only see him at the weekends, it's an arrangement that works well for both of us, but I miss him - there's a limit to the conversation skills of a cat, even an extremely eloquent one like Dave. Our family has a huge black cloud hanging over us at the moment, something which I don't feel able to discuss in detail on the blog but it makes thinking ahead very difficult. I have plenty of work and other responsibilities to keep me busy and usually I am quite good at living in the present, but the dark evenings and the challenges of this week have got the better of me. 

It may not mean much to anyone else but something happened on Wednesday morning which felt like a sign of hope. When I woke up I became aware of a slight fluttering which was odd as I hadn't left the bedroom window open. I realised that there was a butterfly in the bedroom and it had settled on Robbie's bedside table. It stayed there for a while and then it settled on the net curtain so I opened the window for it to go out when it was ready. I got on with my morning routine and didn't go back into the bedroom for an hour or so, I expected that the butterfly would have gone on its way but I was surprised to see that were now two butterflies on the window. I don't remember having a butterfly in my bedroom before and I'm certain that there have never been two. In fact I don't recall seeing a butterfly so late in the year. I managed to get a photo of the first one, I think it's a Small Tortoiseshell, the photo quality is not very good but it was nice to be able to see it close up, it was beautiful, so fragile with the delicate colouring of a watercolour painting.

      

“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you” - Nathaniel Hawthorne

'I am still reeling with delight at the soaring majesty of Norfolk.' John Betjeman

It feels as if things have been tough for a long time, worries and problems seem to pop up like mushrooms. Mostly we can deal with them, I'm a fighter, I don't give up, but I do get tired sometimes. It is hard to watch the gradual decline of a family member and it is even harder to to find the time and energy to offer appropriate support. Other problems are a different sort of battle, time consuming, exhausting, but with right on our side, dogged determination and persistence, I am sure that things will work out in the end. Worries or not we still do our best to enjoy the fun  and challenges of family life. Life is here and now so we can't let it slip through our fingers.

We has some exciting and unexpected news last weekend. It will be possible for us to go to Norfolk on holiday after all. When we went to the bungalow last year we thought it would be the last time we would be able to stay there. The person who owned it, a family friend had been very ill for a long time and his family were not sure about the future of the bungalow. Sadly he died recently but his wife has offered us the chance to rent the bungalow again this summer. It has really cheered me up, it is lovely to have something to look forward to, I love the bungalow and that part of Norfolk holds a very special place in my heart.

Robbie is very excited about another holiday in Norfolk, he loves it there too. He has already planned a couple of trips to the North Norfolk Railway, a trip to Norwich to have a look at Crown Point, a day out 'doing the drags' on the middle weekend, the list goes on and on! I have already had to remind him that there are only 14 days in a fortnight and he has to leave himself time for his other favourite pastime, watching the ship with his binoculars. Once a 'spotter' always a spotter!!

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on - Franklin D Roosevelt

Yesterday was 'one of those days'. If I am honest those difficult days seem to crop up with surprising regularity and just occasionally I find myself wondering if things will ever get easier. I am not usually an Eeyore type, I try to have a positive outlook, but everyone has their moments. 

We all have our own ways of dealing with a bad day, some people distract themselves with a shopping trip, but I prefer to log on to the computer to spend an hour or two working on my family history. I enjoy finding out about the lives of my ancestors and it helps to put things into perspective. However difficult things seem to be for me, I know that I have it easy in comparison to many of my ancestors. 


I have been working on a very faded photograph of my grandma and a group of other people. With the help of a couple of other people I have managed to restore the photo and I have been trying hard to identify the other people in the picture. It is strange looking at a photo of my grandmother as a young woman, no older than my children are now. I remember her as a strong and rather formidable old lady, but looking at the younger photo I saw a gentler face full of youthful hope. It must have been about 1911 and I realised that dreadful worry and sorrows lay ahead of her. There must have been times when just putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with life was almost impossible, but she did it. Her life experiences gave her the inner strength and determination that I remember so clearly.


She had many little sayings, one of her favourites was 'whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. I didn't realise it at the time, but she was living proof of that. Thinking about my grandma reminded me of a framed verse that she kept on the mantelpiece,"Four things come not back, the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life and the neglected opportunity". I didn't understand the truth of it at the time, but I do now. I will not allow the worries and aggravations that come my way to cast a shadow over the many good things in my life. People may have cause to regret underestimating me, I come from a long line of strong women and I don't give up!

Magna est veritas et praevalet     

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. Ellen Perry Berkele

Returning home from holiday felt like coming back to reality with a bump. We still have the huge cloud of the disputed CSA arrears hanging over us, as well as various other worries and uncertainties, and I really need to find another job. When we walked into the house there was no one there to welcome us, no wagging tail, just a dog shaped space where Meg should have been, I am really going to miss her, she was part of our family.

The cats were doing their own thing, Oreo was at the top of the stairs watching the birds out of the window and Dave was dozing on the sofa, he chose not to notice our arrival. Usually he would come to me straight away, but when I put my hand out to touch him he turned away, making it very clear that he was not happy with me. We had loads to do on Sunday evening, so there wasn't much time to think about Dave, but he managed to radiate disapproval, he was punishing me for going away and leaving him. He kept up the hostility until lunchtime on Monday, then when I sat down with my laptop he came and sat on the back of my chair, then after a little while I noticed that he had moved silently on to my lap and was purring loudly - I had been forgiven!


'For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.' Anon