What Did You Say?

Having a family member with Asperger Syndrome has taught me many things. One of the most important is to be very clear when giving information or instructions because there is a good chance that the aspie person will take my words literally or focus on just one part of what I said and miss the deeper meaning. Of course I sometimes get it wrong and it leads to some surprising misunderstandings like the time not so long ago when my son was asked to put the bin bag outside. I intended him to take the bin bag from the kitchen and put it in the wheelie bin outside but I didn't say that, so when I went out to the car I found the bin bag sitting in splendid isolation in the front garden. Luckily I found it before the local cats got their claws into it.


Last night I was chatting to Robbie about one of our children and I said "he seems to have taken umbrage because I told him off ......" The look on Robbie's face told me that he was no longer listening to me. After a few moments he repeated the word 'umbrage' several times as if he was exploring the shape and sound of the word. Then he looked up with a satisfied expression and asked if the word had something to do with a humpback bridge. I told him that it was just a phrase that meant the person was displeased because they felt slighted in some way. I had to look up the exact meaning of umbrage in order to tell him that the word had a Latin root and it meant shade, shadow or darkness. The word only survives in English now as the phrase to 'take umbrage'. Robbie told me to stop, he said that I had given him far too much information (now he knows what I have to put up with!) and anyway he preferred his own definition of a humpbacked bridge. No wonder it is so hard to understand him sometimes! 

The Last Word

I wonder about Robbie sometimes, he does the strangest things and when I mention it to him he always acts as if whatever he is doing is totally normal. He did exactly that this week when I caught him talking to the cat. I talk to the cat too, but unlike Robbie I don't wait for an answer! On Monday he was standing in the hall saying "hello" to Dave (the cat) and leaving a few moments for the cat to reply before repeating his greeting. After listening to several minutes of this I reminded Robbie that Dave was a cat not a parrot, but Robbie insisted that he always said hello to Dave.

The following day Dave was pestering Robbie because he wanted to be fed. Robbie stopped what he was doing to have a detailed conversation with the cat to explain that it wasn't yet feeding time. I may not have taken any notice of it if he hadn't gone on to explain the position of the big hand and the little hand on the clock that would indicate feeding time. Trying to teach a cat to tell the time really does cross the line from being a little eccentric to being downright odd!

Later this week Dave had misbehaved and Robbie told him in no uncertain terms how displeased he was. Robbie pointed at Dave as he ranted and Dave (who was sitting on the top of the laundry basket) waved his front paw at Robbie and made a menacing noise. I am not sure if Robbie understood what Dave 'said' but I am sure I could make a fair guess at his meaning - a short phrase ending in 'off'!!

Finding The Right Words

Those of you who know Robbie will know that words are the one thing he is never short of. If fact the opposite is true, it is almost impossible to get him to shut up, he can talk endlessly about anything under the sun and you can rely on him to lower the tone whenever there is the slightest opportunity. He talks and talks and talks - he can fit more words into a minute than anyone else I know.

Being lost for words is a new experience for Robbie, but in the circumstances I am not surprised that he is struggling. He has been asked to speak at his friend's funeral, there is so much that he wants to say, but putting the feelings you have deep inside into words is not so easy, and finding exactly the right words to express how much Chris meant as a friend and colleague is difficult. It is almost impossible to sum up the qualities of a close friend in just a few brief sentences, but one thing is undeniable Chris knew how to live well. He loved his work, but it didn't rule his life, he filled his leisure time with all the things that were important to him. He packed a lot of living into not quite 40 years. I don't know if Robbie's words will adequately paint a picture of his friend, or express how keenly Robbie feels his loss. I can't do much to help, but I can at least make sure everyone will understand his words - I have be making him practice speaking slowly!

Say What You Mean

A trivial incident the other day reminded me how important it is to check that the person you are communicating with understands your words in the way that you intended. Just as I was heading off to work I noticed that we were running low on milk so I left a £5 note on top of the TV and sent a text to Sam (who was coming home with Laura) saying "please get milk £5 on TV, keep the change". I thought my meaning was crystal clear, but when I got home the was a little tower of coins on top of the television, I looked across at Sam and said "I told you to keep the change" he looked puzzled and said "I did keep it, I kept it on the TV". My meaning wasn't clear, I had intended to say keep the change for yourself, but he had understood the words to mean keep the change safe.

It reminded me of an incident when Sam was about 8 or 9, he were staying at a hotel and when we went to breakfast the waitress asked each of us what we wanted. She asked Sam if he wanted his egg boiled, scrambled or poached, suddenly Sam looked very confused and very quietly he asked me if the eggs were stolen. He had never had a poached egg before and he was only aware of one meaning for the word poached.

Day of The Triffids? 28.11.07

Laura was in the car with me a few days ago and for some reason we got on to the subject of road signs. I gave her one or two examples of signs that make me smile and I confessed to an overwhelming urge to punctuate them correctly. Her school is gradually being rebuilt (the operative word is gradually!) and they have been sharing the site with builders for well over a year. She told me about a sign that she didn't understand and she asked what it meant. The sign in question was 'Heavy Plant Crossing' and I explained that it meant beware of diggers. Laura laughed and said that she'd thought it was something to do with planting trees! She posed the obvious question, why can't they just say what they mean? Maybe it is just tradition, but perhaps it is time to have a rethink. If an intelligent A Level student who speaks English as her first language doesn't understand a warning sign, there is little hope for the many people living and working in our country who are not as familiar with the eccentricities of the English language.