For the latter part of this week Robbie has been best viewed from a distance, and to be quite honest the greater the distance the better as far as I was concerned. I didn't see him until after I finished work on Wednesday evening. He approached the car with a big smile and as soon as got into the car he leant across to kiss me and he quite literally took my breath away - he stank! When I eventually recovered the power of speech I asked what he'd been eating? He gave a little shrug and said "nothing". I knew that wasn't true, the day that Robbie doesn't eat anything will be the day that he requires an ambulance!
It was a very difficult journey, the car stank and I was scared to breathe. I needed to get home as quickly as possible in order to escape from Robbie's breath, but I resisted the temptation to exceed the speed limit! He gave me one of his sheepish 'little boy' smiles and admitted that he had been out for lunch with his friends. He said that he'd had some rather nice sweet potato soup. Sweet? His breath was anything but sweet, he could have stripped paint with his breath! I kept my distance for the rest of the evening, but the pong seemed to take over the house so I retreated to the relative safety of the bedroom. I was asleep before he came to bed but too my horror his breath was just as bad the next morning!
His breath had improved a bit by the evening (but it was still a work in progress). He'd had a productive day and a pleasant time after work with friend's so he was bouncy and cheerful while I was exhausted after a challenging day. I was sitting at in the car looking down at my phone (to reply to a text) when Mr B crept up to the car and banged on the bonnet. I nearly jumped out of my skin, but he thought it was hilarious. Why do men never grow up? He spent the first half of the journey home giggling and the second half apologising!
I thought life would be back to normal by Friday, but I had forgotten that he was going out after work to mark a colleague's retirement. He arrived home (eventually) sober but smelly - I detest the smell of alcohol. I was happy to leave him downstairs watching television when I went to bed, but he must have found his way upstairs at some point because I woken this morning by Robbie 'backfiring'. I tried to ignore it, then I tried to wake him up, I failed dismally on both counts. In the end I decided that I suffered enough and I abandoned him in favour of the peace and quiet (and clean air) of the lounge. This week has taught me an important lesson - not to take fresh air for granted!
Sometimes we are reminded in the most painful way that we are just observers in the drama of other people's lives. On Wednesday evening Robbie was travelling home (by train of course), he left his first train and walked along the platform to wait for his connecting train as he usually does. He noticed what he thought was a train spotter standing on the ramp at the end of the platform rather too close to the track. He alerted station staff and walked towards the man, but while he was still some distance away he saw the man walk onto the track, position himself and then within a matter of seconds be hit by a train. Needless to say Robbie was very upset about it and upset for all those people who had to deal with what had happened.
Seeing something like that is not easily forgotten and not easily processed because it gives rise to a muddle of conflicting emotions. First there is shock and sorrow for a life lost and sadness for those left behind. Then there is anger that someone would make such a selfish choice by killing themselves in such a messy and public way, causing trauma and inconvenience to everyone involved. Anger too that someone would choose to end their life while others fight so hard to stay alive yet lose their battle.
There are so many thoughts and so many questions, but perhaps the most pressing question is why would anyone feel that such a terrible death was their only option? Was it some terrible shock that had driven him to such desperate action, or perhaps he felt alone and afraid, unable to endure the troubles that life brings. Could it even have been desperation caused by the incorrect assessments and impossible demands of CSA. I know that Robbie felt very close to giving up when he recently received a totally incorrect demand for £17,000.
Whatever the reason, I hope that this poor man has found peace and I hope that the train driver, station staff and all those who were touched by this tragedy will not suffer lasting effects because of what they witnessed. I also hope that anyone contemplating such a drastic option will reach out to someone close to them and find the help that they so badly need.
I am still in shock following an incident after work on Thursday evening. It was about 10.30pm and I was tired and glad to be heading home, was listening to yet more drivel the radio about the Jonathan Ross saga as I pulled up at the traffic lights of a large roundabout in the town centre. Suddenly the rear door opened and it felt as id time stood still in that moment of sheer panic a person leapt onto the back seat and another person piled in. When they spoke I realised that it was Laura and her friend Iqra. My heart was thumping, I really thought something terrible was about to happen and it took me ages to calm down. The girls had been to a party in town but they decided to leave early and get a lift home with me, but they were later than planned and they almost missed me. They saw me driving past them and they ran after me and jumped into the car when I stopped at the lights. It was such a dangerous thing to do, they could easily have been hurt if I had pulled away suddenly, but thankfully they were OK and I was terrified but unharmed – except for a few more grey hairs!
On Saturday lunchtime I answered the phone to find Emily sobbing on the other end. It was difficult to make sense of what she was saying and a ripple of fear ran through me, obviously something very bad had happened and as she and Laura were both at work my first fear was that something had happened to Laura. Through her tears Emily managed to tell me that one of her co-workers had died and Emily was so upset by the news that she had been allowed to go home. I dashed out to pick her up and by the time I found her she was a little bit calmer. Karen, had only been off sick for three or four weeks and the news of her death had come as a terrible shock. Emily liked her because she was a bit 'dizzy' like Emily and she was always helpful and friendly at work. She had young children so her death was especially sad. Cancer is such a cruel illness.
The previous day we had been delighted by the news of a new life and so soon afterwards we were reminded of the sadness of death. It is the way of the world, but the pain is especially bitter when someone dies so tragically young. It certainly pushes our own trivial worries back into perspective and it reminds us to make the most of our own lives.
Robbie went to a gig last night, to see The Breeders, so I spent the evening trying to stay awake because I had to pick him up from the station at 12.40am! He still managed to get up for work at 5.15am, but as usual I thought Monday morning had arrived far too soon.
We were on the motorway on our way to Cornwall when suddenly Robbie let out a piercing yell, so loud that I thought we were about to crash. It turned out that he had spotted a train at the side of the motorway! Thankfully I was driving otherwise Robbie may not have survived unharmed!
