Light the blue touch paper and ............................RUN!!

Sparks have been flying in our house. A week or so ago Robbie told me that I looked like a trout and when he realised that his words had upset me he tried to make it better by telling me that he didn't mean my whole face, just my mouth! 


He was forgiven eventually but clearly he hadn't learnt his lesson because a couple of days later he ruffled my hair and told me that I had so much grey hair that I must be ancient - has he looked in a mirror recently? I told him that my 'trout features' and my grey hair don't bother me because I don't have to look at them, but since I endure the sight of his imperfections without comment, maybe he could do the same.


I thought he had got the message, but yesterday while we were out on the train he picked up book about railway rover tickets. One minute he was sitting quietly reading, the next minute his voice boomed out across the carriage to inform the world and his wife about how soon I will be entitled to an age related discount. I gave him a withering stare and informed him that he may not survive that long! As if that wasn't enough for one day he got cross with me about something totally unimportant and informed me that I was a "moany, cantankerous old woman". I chose not to reply but when he saw my expression he looked terrified, I wasn't sure if he was going to run away or hide under the table!!The cat gives me a similar look when I catch him raiding the bin!


Believe it or not he had been forgiven by this morning. We popped into the supermarket for a few essentials and as we stood in the queue he very loudly admired the packaging design of some personal products that I did not wish to draw attention to. I gave him 'the look' but instead of shutting up he became more vocal. I fixed him with a glare and told him firmly that it is not necessary for every thought he has to come out through his mouth!!


I hope he has now got the message, but if not I will start sharing some of my thoughts with him - I don't think he will like it!

The End of a Nightmare

On Thursday a letter arrived from CSA. It is hard to explain the feeling of terror when one of those brown envelopes drops through the door. Robbie always makes his payments on time and in full but we still dread those brown envelopes fearing what they are going to come up with this time. Thursdays envelope could potentially bring an end to our battle to prove that he did not owe the huge amount of arrears (from 15 years ago when he was still with his ex) that they had been demanding, but it could have been a notification that they would deduct the alleged debt from his salary leaving us facing serious financial hardship. It takes a bit of courage to open a CSA letter but it is like removing a sticking plaster, it is more painful if it is done slowly than if you rip it of quickly. I opened the envelope and read the very long and annoying letter it contained, it was good news, they had accepted our evidence at long last, there it was in black and white, Robbie doesn't owe them £17,000 as they originally stated, they owe him £30!! The relief was immense, but now that relief has given way to anger that we have endured months of worry and fear all because his ex committed benefit fraud and CSA didn't do their job properly at the time. I hope very much that she will have to answer for her dishonesty in court!

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out!

I have written several times about the dark cloud of worry that has been hanging over us since July when completely out of the blue Robbie received a £17,000 bill for child  support for a period almost 15 years ago when he was living with his ex partner and their children! To say that the last few months have been a living hell would be an understatement. Trying to get CSA to listen or respond was an impossibility and even with the help of our MP it has been an uphill struggle dealing with CSA. They seem to take the word of the woman without question while choosing to ignore all our evidence to show that he was living with his ex at that time.


Finally about a week ago we got a letter conceding that he did not owe £17,000 but insisting that he owed around £2000 because they still insist that he was not living with his ex for one of the years in question. This is based only on her word, the have chosen to ignore evidence from the bank that they had a joint bank account, evidence of his address from his employers at the time, tax documents, monthly bills etc. It seemed as if there was very little that we could do to provide further proof but we were determined not to give up. Robbie has always loved and supported his children and the suggestion that he had failed to support his family was as painful as the prospect of having to pay a large sum of money to the government that he didn't owe and could not afford.


Thankfully there was another piece of evidence and we hope very much that it will be accepted as conclusive evidence that he was with his ex for the whole period in question. Thanks to a very conscientious employee at Virgin Trains who kept meticulous records and also thanks to colleagues at Cross Country who went the extra mile and searched back through the files we feel a little more confident. We now have copies of a statutory declaration that was sworn in front of a solicitor and signed by the ex stating that she and Robbie had lived at the same address as a meaningful couple and that Robbie had supported his children for the whole period now in dispute. Surely that will be enough! 


Please keep your fingers crossed for us. I am not usually a vindictive person but I really hope that justice prevails and that she doesn't get away with abusing and defrauding the system! 

It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed - Horace

We are on holiday and we should be away from the everyday cares of the world, but the news over the last few days has been so appalling that it has been impossible ignore it. News of the rioting and looting in London and other cities has made me feel so ashamed of my fellow citizens. There really is no excuse for mob violence, they have made people homeless and devastated countless businesses. They don’t seem to care that people have lost everything, homes, livelihoods and jobs are gone and so many communities have been deeply scarred.



Robbie and I have reacted differently, I don’t want to look, I just want to cover my eyes in shame, and Robbie on the other hand can’t stop checking for the latest updates. His work place has been affected, other rail companies have been badly affected, nearby shops have been looted and damaged, big city centre shops have suffered serious damage and normal life has been brought to a halt. I am thankful that we are on holiday because I would be so scared for Robbie if he was at work, it may sound selfish, but because of his spina bifida if he got caught up in any trouble even a relatively minor injury to his back could mean he would never be able to walk again. I just keep wondering why such young children are on the street running wild, what on earth are their parents doing?


Apart from keeping in touch with the news we managed make the most of the day. We went to Mundesley, there were lots of people on the beach despite some rather impressive waves. The highlight of Robbie’s day was a visit to the Beach Café for lunch, their food is excellent and the portions are so generous that even Robbie can’t eat any more. I am making him keep his distance because he had onion rings with his lunch!


We visited Stalham on the way back, we had to pop into Tesco for milk and bread and supplies for our packed lunch tomorrow - Robbie is determined that we have to go to the North Norfolk Railway. Oh well at least there is a nice bookshop there!

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

The words of the Swedish proverb used in the title are very true, but sadly the worries that have been haunting us and prevent me from keeping up with the blog  in recent days cast a very big shadow indeed because the situation has potentially devastating consequences. Robbie has received a demand from CSA/CMEC for payment of almost £17,000 arrears! The alleged arrears date from a period from 1998 to 2001 when he was still living with his ex partner (they even had a joint bank account!) but despite having an open case with CSA (and paying diligently) since 2002 when he and his partner split up, he had never been made aware of these alleged arrears. It is proving almost impossible to prove where he lived in 1998 since even employment records and bank records do not go back that far. The trouble is that CSA do not need to prove the arrears, he has to prove that he doesn't owe it, in the meantime CSA can use all the considerable powers at their disposal to take the money. It is very very scary, we simply haven't got that sort of money so the future looks very bleak. Our MP is helping us, but it is a very worrying time.

When Enough is Enough

When I was chatting with my friend the other day she referred to my recent post about arguments and she pointed out that what I write on the blog is not always the complete picture because the things that really hurt me do not find their way to the blog. I guess she has a point, I do write when I am sad or hurt or worried, and often the process of writing helps, but one my of my greatest frustrations is not being able to write about a person or a situation either because they do not want to be written about or because the situation is too personal or private to write about. To see a friend or family member struggling and being ground down by a situation is almost worse than enduring it yourself especially when there there very little that you can do to help. Very occasionally I have to accept that the issue is completely off limits, but usually I can write more generally about a subject or write about a similar situation from the past.


Once a very long time ago I was bullied. I was in my first job after qualifying and I became increasingly unhappy because of the way my manager behaved towards me. It was quite a long time before I recognised it as bullying because it was very subtle. I was put down for the smallest errors or omissions, things that I did well were ignored or passed off as my manager's work, she criticised me in front of colleagues and clients, she withheld information so that I would make mistakes and look foolish and she gave me the worst jobs and impossible deadlines. It wasn't my first job, so I knew that work shouldn't be like that and I knew that I was competent, but I still felt that somehow it was my fault and my confidence ebbed away to be replaced with anxiety and dread. I felt trapped and powerless, and I was sure that no one would believe me, it was her word against mine,she had a good reputation and she was coming to the end of a successful career. I did the only thing I could do, I kept going and I worked long hours and I tried to meet the impossible targets.


That situation continued for months, I didn't tell anyone, I just became increasingly unhappy and anxious. Then after about 9 months of agony someone more senior than my manager took me aside after a training course and asked me to tell her what was happening. That was the beginning of the solution for me, it took time and it wasn't easy but knowing that I was believed gave me the confidence to stand up for myself  and to tackle the bullying. Sadly the manager became ill and left not long afterwards, but by then things were much improved between us and we parted on good terms.


Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight I still wonder why it happened. I don't think she was a bad person, she just behaved unkindly towards me. She was at the end of a career that had given her status and satisfaction and she may perhaps have envied my youth and enthusiasm (I was about 23) and been irritated that I took it all for granted. She was traditional, very respectful of hierarchy and she clung to rules and regulations. It seemed to me at the time that she used rules and policy to justify a 'can't do' attitude and to avoid making decisions, but perhaps that is a bit harsh. I realise now that she was out of her depth, she had been moved out of her comfort zone, I think she was intimidated by the client group and I think that clinging to rules and tradition was her way of feeling in control. I suspect she was unhappy and perhaps a little afraid but it doesn't excuse the way she treated me. 


It is hard to admit that you are being bullied and it is probably just as hard to admit to yourself that you are a bully, but acknowledging it is the first step towards putting it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, all theses years later I can still remember how terrible I felt. It was a difficult to face up to those feelings, but having to do so has made me stronger and more determined and I am sure it made me a better manager.  When he was Chief Executive of The Industrial Society Tony Morgan said "Workplace bullying - in any form - is bad for business. It destroys teamwork, commitment and morale."  

Trouble with Aliens

When I was a little girl I had an irrational fear of standing too close to my bed because I believed that the (imaginary) Red Indian who lived under my bed would reach out and grab me. This made it necessary to leap onto the bed from as far away as possible to be sure that I stayed safe. I watched far too many cowboy films when I was little! As far as I can remember my sleep was never disturbed by aliens - until this week! In fact The Clangers are the only aliens I recall from my childhood and certainly weren't scary.

On Wednesday evening I went to bed fairly late and just as I was getting

warm, comfortable and very sleepy Robbie bounded upstairs and launched himself onto the bed as if he was being chased by a whole posse of imaginary foes. He announced excitedly that he had an alien, he was clutching a Lego mini figure pack which he had carefully opened to reveal the pieces necessary to build an alien mini figure. He settled himself on the bed in a Buddha like pose and began to build his alien, while I snuggled under the duvet in search of sleep. Robbie shook me to inform me tat the alien's weapon was too short. My knowledge of alien weaponry is severely limited (I don't think the Clangers had weapons) and I have absolutely no desire to further my knowledge of such things, especially not at 2am! Apparently a purple light-sabre type thing was missing, and Robbie wasn't going to settle until he found it. It was not easy to sleep when Robbie put the light on and then knelt on the bed stark naked looking down to see if the missing part had fallen onto the carpet. It was even harder to sleep when he decided that he had to lift up the duvet and check all the bedding. By this time I was ready to kill him because I really needed to sleep. We agreed that he would let me sleep if I promised to look for the part in the morning.

True to my word I searched for the part the next day without success, so I ended up returning the figure to the shop because there was a piece missing. Imagine my embarrassment when the missing part turned up, it had been caught inside the packaging all the time. He is a very happy chap now that his alien's weapon has been restored to the correct proportions and even happier because his latest mini figure is a very cool looking rapper.