Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire - William Butler Yeats

The other day I was looking back at old pieces of writing and I found a one day diary for 17th October 2006, I wrote it for a writing project that I was involved in. There was a paragraph about our chaotic morning routine

"Then my day kicked into a higher gear.  I had just five minutes to shower and vacate the bathroom.  I would love to wallow in the warm water, but time demands otherwise.  At 7am I wake my three children aged 17, 15 and 11, after a lull for a few minutes while they wake up suddenly there is chaos.  Everyone wants the bathroom at the same time, someone needs a button sewn on, daughter wants me to sign a slip for school, son can’t find an exercise book, older daughter wants money for a music book. Where have all the socks gone? Why hasn’t my rugby shirt been washed? The demands continue, son get sent back to do his teeth properly and at 7.55, only 5 minutes late, I leave with son packed into the passenger seat."

The diary went on to record the rest of the day, it seemed as if I spent my whole day rushing around trying to do my best for everyone and to somehow fit everything around my work. It still feels like that sometimes, but I think things are a little bit easier now - or at least the stresses are different! 

Camera Shy - (centre) look at those heels!

On Thursday I went to daughter number two's graduation, the 15 year old from the diary entry is now 21 and, just like her older sister she has worked very hard and done extremely well with her education. I feel very proud of both of them, not just because of their academic achievements but because they are hard workers and they have become capable and sensible young women.   I was so proud to be present at my daughter's graduation on Thursday and I wish her every success at Leicester University next year.

The Differences Between Men and Women

I met a really nice man a couple of weeks ago. We had an interesting chat about all sorts of things including trains. He observed that men tend to obsess about things and women tend to obsess about people. That made a lot of sense to me because Robbie notices things such as minor changes if product packaging, bus numbers, car numbers, the design of post poxes and lamp posts, that sort of thing. I hardly ever notice those things, but I notice if someone is wearing odd socks, looks sad, or seems worried, things that Robbie  would probably not notice. 


Yesterday I received further confirmation that men and women have a different way of looking at things. My son announced to me that his English homework had been to consider gender stereotypes and to analyse the way that Robbie and I use language, then to present his observations to the class. Apparently is caused his teacher considerable amusement when he told the class that I'd told him that men almost always consider their cars (and trains) to be female, but I know for sure that my car is male because it is unreliable and expensive to maintain! He went on to tell the class that our use of language indicated that Robbie is submissive and I am dominant because I use imperatives and Robbie uses tactics such as hedging, fillers and hesitation in response. I have to admit that it feels a bit creepy to think that our use of language gives away so much about us (assuming his observations are accurate) we will have to be more cautious in future!

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

I have been asked that question a number of times in the last few weeks. My birthday was coming up and for some obscure reason people seem to think that it is cause to celebrate. It is a really difficult question to answer, because I really don't want anything. We have far too many 'things' already and there is nothing that I really need and I can't have the things I would really like.


More than anything I would like to be able to turn back time. Not to get rid of the wrinkles or because I am worried about my grey hairs, I don't care that much about either of those things. After all living with Robbie is bound to cause a few grey hairs - OK, I admit to more than a few grey hairs! I would like to turn back time because there are people who aren't here that should be and you can't help wishing that things could be different. Anyway things change, and I have to hang on to the fact that there are important people in my life now, such as my lovely nephews and niece who would be there if I turned back time. I guess the moral is that you have to live in the present and enjoy the people and things in your life now, then at least you carry special memories into the future with you.

I think my best ever birthday present was probably my first pony Geme. He had such a character and there was a very special bond between us for the rest of his life. The bond that develops between a young rider and her pony is very special. It is not the relationship with a dog or other pet because it involves a different level of trust and understanding. It is difficult to explain the closeness between horse and rider, it is not just an emotional bond, it is a physical communication.The rider understands and responds to every movement of the horse and the horse recognises and reacts to the movements and signals of the rider. The partnership depends on a large degree of trust and respect.


The joy of riding and the feeling of being at one with the pony brings a lot of pleasure, the thrill of cantering across a field and the gentler enjoyment of ambling along a lane in tune with the world around you. Horse riding gives you a lot of thinking time, it enables people to process thoughts and mull over problems, riding is good for your soul as well as for your mind and body.


I think my best birthday present as an adult was a video that I was given on my 41st birthday. My husband had borrowed some old cine film from my mum and had it transferred to video. I'd never seen the footage before and when I watched it I was confronted with my younger self laughing, playing and enjoying life. I was a spectator at my own first birthday party and I saw my grandmothers and my dad alive and well doing all the ordinary things that I only half remembered. Watching the video was a very emotional experience, but it was so precious, it was like being given back a little bit of my past. 

Feeling Invisible

When I was a very young child I enjoyed stories about a magical little man called Mr Pink-whistle who had all sorts of adventures because he could make himself invisible. I liked to imagine all the mischief that it would be possible to get up to if I was invisible. In books and comics invisibility is a common theme, from the Invisible Woman, the first female superhero created by Marvel (who just happens to be as old as me) to Harry Potter and his cloak of invisibility, the ability to disappear has brought them power, excitement and adventure. People will tell you that in real life it is not possible to become invisible, but it is, the difference is that in real life it is a very lonely and isolating experience.


There is a dutch artist called Desiree Palmen who creates amazing phots of invisible peope. I like the pictures, because they express visually how I feel sometimes, not exactly invisible, but not quite there, perhaps the right term would be overlooked. An infection in my inner ear left me with balance problems, dizziness and slight hearing loss. It has been like that for years and I cope quite well most of the time, but I don't cope well with crowds or noisy environments. I am used to the dizziness but sometimes in crowded places I feel very unsteady and vulnerable, it is almost like a shrinking feeling. It reminds me of Mrs Peperpot a storybook character created by Alf Prøysen who never knows when she is going to shrink.


The other day a friend of mine asked "if I ceased to exist would it matter?". She was not threatening to end it all, she was just feeling invisible and she was posing a very important question. I know quite a lot of 'invisible' people, people who for various reasons struggle to fit in. For some struggling with a disability makes them feel isolated especially when it is a hidden disability that is not understood by others. Mental health problems can be especially isolating and some people who are weighed down by worries, fears or sadness feel that life is going on around them but nobody knows or cares about them.  


We all take life for granted until something puts our future or the future of someone that we love at risk. Then we suddenly review our values and we realise that the things that the world thinks are important don't really matter at all and we learn to value the little things and the things that do not have a price tag such as love, friendship, time, health, warmth, sunshine and freedom. It is true that each life is just a tiny insignificant speck in the sands of time and that when someone dies the world carries on just as before. However the answer to my friend's question is yes, it would matter if she or any of those invisible people ceased to exist. 


It would matter to everyone who loves them and cares  about them. A person who ceased to exist would live on in the memory of every life that they touched, and most people touch many lives in one way or other. Someone who had hurt or wronged them would never be able to ask forgiveness or put things right and they would have to carry that guilt through life. If someone ceased to exist, the good that they may do in the future would not happen. They could not pass on the wisdom that they had gained from their life experiences or prevent others from making the same mistakes, they would not be there as living proof that you can get through the bad stuff. They could not encourage others or set an example for others. Finally if someone ceased to exist the people who love them would be devastated, they would always wonder 'what if ...' For some it may perhaps be one loss too many and the pain and grief may change their lives for ever. 


So why am I writing about this? Partly because April is National Autism Awareness Month. I have close family members with autistic spectrum disorder and I know how confusing and isolating life can be at times. However I also know that he is interesting, clever, loving and very special. Don't miss out, look around you for the invisible people, don't be afraid of difference, please don't pass them by. 

The Things You Do For Love!

I have always known that Robbie and I have different tastes. Mostly I give in to his demands because I love him, I even let him eat onion rings - but I don't let him get anywhere near me afterwards! I can cope with his fashion sense, his music, his railway obsession and countless other things, but I have my limits. On Wednesday evening he begged me to do something that was way beyond my comfort zone, I told him that it was too weird, but eventually I gave in and let him watch Fred Dibnah on TV!!