Well, it is almost New Year again and very soon I will be heading for refuge in the bedroom, because I can't face almost two hours of Jools Holland (two minutes would be too much for me!). Robbie loves Hootenanny, so I leave him in peace to enjoy it while I enjoy an early night.
At this time of year it is traditional to make New Year Resolutions about things that we intend to change in our lives but usually I don't bother with such things. This year is different, this year I finally reached the point of saying enough is enough and standing up to a bully. For 27 years I have tolerated her insults, lies, criticism, and abuse I have finally given up. I tried my best but it was never good enough, I even made excuses for her behaviour, I thought that if I turned the other cheek and did my best to please her she would change. I was wrong of course I should have stood up to her years ago because she saw my kindness and my willingness to forgive as weakness, I was rewarding her bad behaviour. It is bad enough that she thought it was okay to treat me badly in so many different ways, but a few weeks ago she crossed a line and this time I will not forgive her, I will not let her hurt me and cast a shadow over my family any more. I felt sorry for her because had lost so much already, but, now she has lost everything.
I hope she will live to regret her behaviour, but somehow I doubt it because she is just a bitter and twisted bully. I don't have room to hate her, I don't feel anything at all for her now except relief that I don't have to waste any more time on her. She has caused untold hurt to so many people but in the end she is the looser, she has alienated everyone and she faces a lonely and bitter future. As far as I am concerned she has been left firmly in the past and I look forward to the New Year thankful that I have the love and support of my family and friends
When I was chatting with my friend the other day she referred to my recent post about arguments and she pointed out that what I write on the blog is not always the complete picture because the things that really hurt me do not find their way to the blog. I guess she has a point, I do write when I am sad or hurt or worried, and often the process of writing helps, but one my of my greatest frustrations is not being able to write about a person or a situation either because they do not want to be written about or because the situation is too personal or private to write about. To see a friend or family member struggling and being ground down by a situation is almost worse than enduring it yourself especially when there there very little that you can do to help. Very occasionally I have to accept that the issue is completely off limits, but usually I can write more generally about a subject or write about a similar situation from the past.
Once a very long time ago I was bullied. I was in my first job after qualifying and I became increasingly unhappy because of the way my manager behaved towards me. It was quite a long time before I recognised it as bullying because it was very subtle. I was put down for the smallest errors or omissions, things that I did well were ignored or passed off as my manager's work, she criticised me in front of colleagues and clients, she withheld information so that I would make mistakes and look foolish and she gave me the worst jobs and impossible deadlines. It wasn't my first job, so I knew that work shouldn't be like that and I knew that I was competent, but I still felt that somehow it was my fault and my confidence ebbed away to be replaced with anxiety and dread. I felt trapped and powerless, and I was sure that no one would believe me, it was her word against mine,she had a good reputation and she was coming to the end of a successful career. I did the only thing I could do, I kept going and I worked long hours and I tried to meet the impossible targets.
That situation continued for months, I didn't tell anyone, I just became increasingly unhappy and anxious. Then after about 9 months of agony someone more senior than my manager took me aside after a training course and asked me to tell her what was happening. That was the beginning of the solution for me, it took time and it wasn't easy but knowing that I was believed gave me the confidence to stand up for myself and to tackle the bullying. Sadly the manager became ill and left not long afterwards, but by then things were much improved between us and we parted on good terms.
Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight I still wonder why it happened. I don't think she was a bad person, she just behaved unkindly towards me. She was at the end of a career that had given her status and satisfaction and she may perhaps have envied my youth and enthusiasm (I was about 23) and been irritated that I took it all for granted. She was traditional, very respectful of hierarchy and she clung to rules and regulations. It seemed to me at the time that she used rules and policy to justify a 'can't do' attitude and to avoid making decisions, but perhaps that is a bit harsh. I realise now that she was out of her depth, she had been moved out of her comfort zone, I think she was intimidated by the client group and I think that clinging to rules and tradition was her way of feeling in control. I suspect she was unhappy and perhaps a little afraid but it doesn't excuse the way she treated me.
It is hard to admit that you are being bullied and it is probably just as hard to admit to yourself that you are a bully, but acknowledging it is the first step towards putting it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, all theses years later I can still remember how terrible I felt. It was a difficult to face up to those feelings, but having to do so has made me stronger and more determined and I am sure it made me a better manager. When he was Chief Executive of The Industrial Society Tony Morgan said "Workplace bullying - in any form - is bad for business. It destroys teamwork, commitment and morale."
Why do I have to spend so much of my life dealing with idiots? This question crops up far too often for my liking and more often than not the answer can be found in the Peter Principle. A sociologist Dr Laurence Johnston Peter explained that organisations become incompetent because individuals often get promoted to one level above their highest competence and stick there being incompetent and micromanaging until either they retire or the company crumbles around them. Dr Peter asserts that the work of an organisation is done by the workers in the company who haven't yet reached their level of incompetence and if there are enough competent employees the organisation still functions despite the incompetent (and sometimes obstructive) managers. If a company forms a culture of mismanagement only the incompetent employees will remain because the competent ones will become exhausted and move on - it is impossible to soar with eagles when surrounded by turkeys!
So who has annoyed me so much that I feel the need to write about the Peter Principle? I have a long list, but don't worry I will only mention one or two. The postman who left a slip without bothering to ring the bell to deliver a parcel, the employee at the sorting office who didn't want to even look for the parcel because I hadn't waited 72 hours - when I insisted he grudgingly admitted that the parcel was there! Then there is London Midland, words fail me, they have turned incompetence into an art form. They have allowed an inherited problem to grow and to bring the company to it's knees and they have shown such lack of consideration for their regular customers that those who can have resorted to travelling by car!
Some of my family members don't like me to write about them so I will not go into detail, but when I feel that they are being targeted unfairly I become a force to be reckoned with! The teacher who gave my son a detention because his drink spilled in his bag and soaked his exercise book had better watch his back! I went to all the trouble of changing my working hours so that I could pick him up afterwards only to find that the moron had rescinded the detention! I could go on, but all I will say is, I intend to fight against the oppression of small minded jobsworths, if you mess with me I will not be happy but if you mess with the people I love you'd better learn to run!!
