I am best viewed from a distance - Jenny Eclair

For the latter part of this week Robbie has been best viewed from a distance, and to be quite honest the greater the distance the better as far as I was concerned. I didn't see him until after I finished work on Wednesday evening. He approached the car with a big smile and as soon as got into the car he leant across to kiss me and he quite literally took my breath away - he stank! When I eventually recovered the power of speech I asked what he'd been eating? He gave a little shrug and said "nothing". I knew that wasn't true, the day that Robbie doesn't eat anything will be the day that he requires an ambulance!


It was a very difficult journey, the car stank and I was scared to breathe. I needed to get home as quickly as possible in order to escape from Robbie's breath, but I resisted the temptation to exceed the speed limit! He gave me one of his sheepish 'little boy' smiles and admitted that he had been out for lunch with his friends. He said that he'd had some rather nice sweet potato soup. Sweet? His breath was anything but sweet, he could have stripped paint with his breath! I kept my distance for the rest of the evening, but the pong seemed to take over the house so I retreated to the relative safety of the bedroom. I was asleep before he came to bed but too my horror his breath was just as bad the next morning!


His breath had improved a bit by the evening (but it was still a work in progress). He'd had a productive day and a pleasant time after work with friend's so he was bouncy and cheerful while I was exhausted after a challenging day. I was sitting at in the car looking down at my phone (to reply to a text) when Mr B crept up to the car and banged on the bonnet. I nearly jumped out of my skin, but he thought it was hilarious. Why do men never grow up? He spent the first half of the journey home giggling and the second half apologising!


I thought life would be back to normal by Friday, but I had forgotten that he was going out after work to mark a colleague's retirement. He arrived home (eventually) sober but smelly - I detest the smell of alcohol. I was happy to leave him downstairs watching television when I went to bed, but he must have found his way upstairs at some point because I woken this morning by Robbie 'backfiring'. I tried to ignore it, then I tried to wake him up, I failed dismally on both counts. In the end I decided that I suffered enough and I abandoned him in favour of the peace and quiet (and clean air) of the lounge. This week has taught me an important lesson - not to take fresh air for granted!

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill

It is time to admit that I am a failure, I know that because Robbie told me so loud and clear. I picked him up when I finished work yesterday evening so it was passed 9pm when we got home. The cats were not impressed, they are very good at telling the time (thanks to Robbie's efforts) and they knew that their dinner was late. The loudest complaints were coming from Shadow the guinea pig. I am not aware that Robbie has been actively teaching Shadow to tell the time, perhaps guinea pigs have an innate sense of time or perhaps she just loves to eat whatever the time.


Robbie and the cats disappeared into the kitchen; it was hard to work out if he was feeding them or trying to extend their vocabulary! A little later Robbie emerged from the kitchen holding a plastic bag with a few flecks of green in it. The clues were there, the expression, the hand on the hip, not to mention the expletives from the kitchen - he was not a happy chap. The plastic bag had once contained curly kale, but except for tiny traces of green it was now empty. He waved the bag at me and said "now what am I going to do?". It took me a moment to compose my features because there was something vaguely ridiculous about Robbie who is not noted for his love of 'greens' getting so upset about a deficiency in the curly kale department. Before I could say anything he said "what am I going to say to the guinea pig". I took a deep breath and said that we had other greens, carrots and apples as well as her dried food and hay, so it was unlikely that she would starve. Unbelievably he walked over to the guinea pig to show her the empty bag and to apologise on my behalf for running out of curly kale. I don't think she took too much notice, she was too busy tucking into an apple and her dried food. 


As soon as I finished work today I dashed to the supermarket and we now have an ample supply of curly kale. After all I don't want the guinea pig to think that I'm a failure!

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

Robbie found himself spending the night on the sofa bed last night. He pushed my tolerance to the limit during the evening. He phoned me to say that he had been delayed and he would not be on his planned train so could I please pick him up at 7.30pm, I wasn't overjoyed because it would mean that we could not eat our meal until well after 8pm. I wasn't too impressed with his attitude either but I got on with preparations for the meal and various other jobs and at 7.29pm I pulled into the station car park to meet Robbie. Almost as soon as I turned off the engine my phone bleeped to signal that a text had been received, I rummaged in my handbag for my phone and read the text (sent at 7.25pm) Robbie had missed his train and was still at the pub, he would text me again soon! To say that I wasn't amused doesn't really get close to my real emotions. I went home again, did Robbie's jobs, fed the rest of the family and waited , and waited ..........and waited. Finally a text arrived informing me that he was on the train and in need of a lift at 10.30pm. He always texts when he knows he is in trouble, he is two afraid to ring. I was very tempted to leave him marooned at the station, but I went to fetch him. He got into the car with a daft grin on his face and told me that he'd had a really good time. At least one of us had! As we drove off he informed me that several of his friends were drunk, and I informed him that he stank of alcohol. I was still waiting to hear anything that sounded remotely like sorry, but when I glanced across at him I saw that he was dozing with the idiot grin still spread across his face. He managed a couple of incoherent sentences before we got home, but when I reversed on to the drive he thanked me as if I was a taxi driver, grabbed his bags and trotted off into the house, leaving me outside! I didn't even get the usual cup of tea as a peace offering.

This morning he appeared at 11am bearing a cup of tea and an apology and promising breakfast. I am still waiting for breakfast an hour later!

Only a Man Would ......................

I drove home yesterday evening, swung round and reversed my car onto the drive; a manoeuvre that I have done so often that I could almost do it in my sleep. I was surprised to find that I was at least a foot away from the hedge, someone had widened the drive while I was out! I looked again, Robbie had cut the hedge (at long last) and it made the drive so much wider. It was a relief to get the hedge cut but if he thought that would get him out of the doghouse he was sadly mistaken. Even if he had cut every hedge in the county it would not have been enough, I am absolutely furious with him. He didn't tell me that he was disappearing for almost a week because he knew I wouldn't be happy about it. Only a man would think it was better to let me find out by accident at the last minute, and only Robbie would think that doing a job that he should have done weeks ago was an acceptable apology!

When I say he has cut the hedge, he has cut the side next to the drive and he has cut the top of the hedge on drive side, but the other side of the hedge is in serious need of attention and the way he has cut the top has left it looking very odd, as if it has a Mohican hair style! He could have finished cutting it at the weekend if he'd been at home, but by the time he gets around to it, the top will be so high that it will probably require a scaffolding platform to reach it!

Oh well, he has gone now and I will only see him once between now and Sunday night, that should give me plenty of time to get rid of all his railway magazines and stash all his model trains in the loft. I have a few other things in mind too ...................... but he will have to wait and see!

To Tell the Truth ...................

Robbie fell over as he was getting off the train yesterday morning. He had only bought a new suit a few days ago and I am ashamed to say that when he told me about the fall I enquired about the suit before I asked about him. The suit survived unscathed but Robbie hurt his hand and his dignity was seriously affected; the platform proved surprisingly resilient. It could have been much worse, I do worry about him, I wish we could find a way to keep him upright.

Why are men such dreadful liars? OK I know that is a huge generalisation, but I am cross so please make allowances. Just for once I am not having a go at Network Rail, but come to think of it the same thing applies to them, if they want to mislead us, at least they could make the effort to do it convincingly instead of treating us all as if we are fools! I was actually getting at Robbie. He knows from bitter experience that I have a built in lie detector and it is not easy to pull the wool over my eyes, but it doesn't stop him trying! This week I caught him in out, there was no disputing the 'evidence', it had his fingerprints all over it, but he clung stubbornly to his version of the situation. Establishing the truth really is like pulling teeth. It makes me so cross that he assumes I a stupid enough to accept his version, as far as I am concerned the original 'misdemeanour' is never worth a lie, because most things can be put right or overcome. I wonder if it is a case of arrested development, you know that phase when a toddler learns to play hide and seek and they think that if they can't see you then you cant see them - they don't realise that their rear end is poking out from behind the sofa for all to see! I wonder if men ever progress beyond that stage - or maybe they just enjoy getting caught! I have found that admitting a mistake or omission, apologising and asking for help to put it right will get a much more favourable response than denial or trying to blame the others. Maybe Network Rail should give it a try sometime, we would all be shocked into stunned silence, so at least they would have a quiet few days! Just for the record, Robbie has been forgiven!

Robbie was on form last night in terms of random statements. We has just been shopping at Morrisons and he got into the car after parking the trolley and said "I will have to wash my high visibility vest before April". I expect he was thinking about trains and charters, but it made me laugh because it made me think of Harry Potter and the invisibility cloak. Robbie is high visibility all the time, vest or no vest!