A Knicker Nicker - Surely Not?

Robbie decided to abandon me on Thursday to go on another pointless union course. He was only going for one day and one night but he packed enough for a week, how many shirts can one man wear in a day? He wasted all the previous evening packing and working out his travel arrangements to Birmingham - a journey that he should be familiar with by now as he does it every week day! After all the messing around I expected him to be totally organised and ready to leave in good time for his train on Thursday morning - I was wrong! I woke him up on time, I even managed to get him out of bed without too much difficulty, but it all went wrong after that.


When I got up I realised that his arrival in the bathroom had been seriously delayed and when I went downstairs to investigate I found him trotting around in his knickers muttering obscenities. According to Robbie someone had stolen his knickers to prevent him going on the course! I had plenty of good reasons to stop him going on the course, but if I had set my mind on keeping him at home I could have achieved my objective without resorting to pant pilfering! I went up to the bedroom and found half a dozen pairs of Robbie's pants, but when I offered them to him he found reasons to reject every pair as unsuitable in some way. He insisted that he had to have his best pants for the course (perhaps they help him to think better!) and he plodded off in search of the perfect pair of pants.


In the end he settled for an 'inferior' pair to pack in his case and he insisted that his best pants had been stolen. By this time we were in the car racing towards the station in time for hid train. I tried to make him review the evidence, Sam is skinny and he couldn't possibly wear Robbie size garments, the girls have an interesting selection of underwear but it is somewhat skimpier than Robbie's, neither of them has a use for the kind that he wears. So who nicked the knickers? The only person I know who wears trunks like Robbie is Homer Simpson, but I believe he prefers white rather than black. The truth is that there was no conspiracy to steal his pants, he just hadn't looked in the right place - they were in the tumble dryer!

Late Yet Again!

Robbie was in the dog house again last night for being late home. We are fast reaching a point where him arriving home at a normal time is less common than all the late nights. It is not as if his ordinary day isn't long enough. He gets up at 5am to catch a train just after 6am and he usually gets home is about 7.30pm, that is a long enough day for anyone and him stumbling in at 10.30pm in so much pain that he can hardly walk is absolutely stupid. We all have a responsibility to take care of our own health (not to mention our family responsibilities!) but I just don't know how to make him understand that. I think I will have to make him stand in front of the mirror and practice saying no and meaning it!! How do I get him to stop thinking that he is Superman when the reality is much closer to Homer Simpson!!

Revenge of the Pigeon

When we went to bed on Saturday night I remember hearing a slight noise and I thought perhaps it was the radiator. I woke up just before 4am because I could hear a noise I thought Robbie had accidentally allowed the cat into the room and I gave him a prod and told him to sort it out. He said the cat was downstairs and told me to go back to sleep. I heard the noise again and I sat up and put the light on and found the pigeon had decided to get into bed with Robbie! After a chorus of expletives Robbie chased the pigeon around the room wearing only a pair of luminous green socks. I felt sorry for the poor bird, it had suffered enough so I made Robbie put some clothes on! He resumed the chase wearing Homer pants, loud socks and a pair of gloves. It was all too much for the pigeon and shortly afterwards it surrendered, Robbie escorted it to the window and it flew off in search of peace and quiet. Robbie was asleep again within minutes, but I lay awake thinking about the mess and listening to a song that kept playing in my head - 'catch that pigeon' from the Dick Dastardly cartoon!

The Paignton Pudden

Robbie has gone out to play for the weekend. After work yesterday he made his way to Crewe ready for an early start this morning. Robbie has been taking more exercise in the last couple of weeks and he was delighted to find that his black 'train tour' trousers are no longer as tight as they used to be. He celebrated his achievement with pie and chips - I don't think he has quite got the hang of getting fit yet! Having told me in considerable detail about his pie and chips, he held the phone out for me to listen. I couldn't make out what I was supposed to be listening to, but Robbie assured me that I was listening to trains going past. He told me that he could sit in his room naked and watch the trains going past - I was horrified! He assured me that he was adequately attired and that he would not get himself arrested. Imagine all those traumatised passengers reporting a sighting of Homer Simpson naked at hotel room window! I don't really understand Robbie's aversion to clothes, it is just one of the many thing that make me think that he is 'on the spectrum' Anyway he has been on the Paignton Pudden rail tour, he has phoned me with regular updates throughout the day, but I will spare you the detail, I expect Robbie will write about it himself when he gets back.

Sam and I survived our shopping trip yesterday. Sam headed for a pair identical to the ones he bought and refused wear a couple of months ago. I stood my ground and we finally settled on a pair very similar to his old ones (the ones that he actually wore) and we were still on speaking terms when we got home so I guess the trip was a success. The shoes were more expensive than I'd anticipated, but everything seems to be expensive these days. Now that we have dealt with the school shoes Sam has his heart set on a pair of Vans and then a second pair of Converse and then ...... Unless I win the lottery I will not need to remember the rest of the list, it would require a second mortgage to buy that lot! The pictures are of Sam's favourite pair of Converse, he has now grown out of them and has replaced them with a black pair.

Tiredness Can Kill 19.04.07

It was yet another early start for Robbie and yet another trip to Leeds. He claims he has an important meeting, but he was unable to hide his enthusiasm for the journey. As usual I was bombarded with information including detailed timing of his journey, points of interest on route and the impending demise of the HST. All very interesting I'm sure, but at 5.30am the only thing on my mind is sleep and Robbie seems incapable of picking up on my pleas for him to shut up. Maybe he likes to live dangerously, but we all know that 'tiredness can kill' and this tired woman may just be driven to murder if he doesn't learn to button it! I think a court would take pity on me, if I told them about Robbie's trait of providing a running commentary as he get's dressed. Imagine the scene, just back from the shower 'Homer' Burgess stands over by the wardrobe stark naked choosing a shirt - he speaks to each one explaining why he has not chosen it! When the shirt has been selected he turns to his extensive tie collection and runs through the same process. By this time I am feeling positively murderous and I am forced to leave my warm bed to seek sanctuary in the bathroom with the relative sanity of Radio 4.

On the subject of living dangerously, I almost died of shock last night. I had gone to bed leaving Robbie playing with his computer. The next thing I knew I was jolted awake and there was a figure looming over me. My heart pounded and in my sleepy confusion I was really scared until I realized that it was Robbie. Apparently he was trying to wake me up gently to tell me about an online shop that he'd found which sells Dr Marten shoes - do I care!! To be fair he also wanted to tell me that he had loaded a new version of AOL on my laptop. I don't like being woken up, but I get really dangerous when people interfere with my computer. He claims it is faster, but I hate it, my version had a nice female English voice, this one has an irritating male American voice. I can't live with that, so tonight Mr B will be removing this version and reinstalling my old one!

Words of Advice 01.04.07

I hear that a certain loud and opinionated 'mcp' of Robbie's acquaintance had recently revealed that he is not getting any female attention. He is obviously a slow learner if he has only just worked out that he is not impressing the opposite sex, but perhaps I can offer him a few pointers. Admittedly nature has not been kind to him, he will never be an adonis but at present he makes Homer Simpson seem refined, so despite his limited resources a few simple changes may help.

1. Be clean and smart, wear modest quantities of (quality) aftershave and avoid alarming hair styles/colours. Have a good look in the mirror, realise your wife has to look at that every day!

2. Search the house somewhere you will find an iron and an ironing board - learn to use it! It will win loads of brownie points!

3. Look around the kitchen, you should find a kettle, a cooker and a washing machine, learn to use those too, pamper your wife a bit.

4. Have another look around the house, you will find a hoover, a toilet brush, cleaning materials - none of these are labelled women only - USE THEM!

5. Put the TV remote control down - it is not a phallic symbol!

6. Be quiet, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it. You may be the only person who likes hearing your voice. Listen to what your wife wants to talk about and show an interest in what she is talking about.

7. Forget the sexist comments (unless you enjoy celibacy). Remember what you saw in the mirror, don't make matters worse!

8. Learn some manners - and use them. Complement your wife on her hair or outfit, but don't go over the top.

9. Be thoughtful, do things that she enjoys sometimes, remember she may not find football on TV much of a turn on!

10. Be careful what you eat/drink, beer and curry are a big turn off - so is flatulence.

Follow this advice and with a bit of luck and a darkened room you may (eventually) get lucky!!

Homage to Homer 16.02.07

Robbie was late home because his train was too full to get on! When he finally got home he sat down to watch the Simpsons with his clone (Sam), they both like the television and the Simpsons is a particular favourite. Not surprising really, Robbie is built like Homer and behaves like Bart. In this particular episode Bart said that he would like to run naked in the forest like a pagan it seems that Robbie and Homer even share the nakedness gene!

Laura was trying to get Robbie to speak proper English, but without much success. He can't say bus, he always makes it sound as if it has several z's in it, he also has trouble with the words stuff, tooth, grass, bath and countless others. He also has an unnerving habit of using the word 'just' at the end of a sentence, it doesn't make sense. We can't change him so we are teaching him new words instead. He will never have a chance to use them because he couldn't possibly fit any more words into 24 hours!

Happy New Year

The end of the year always seems sad to me, but it is also a time to look forward to another year and perhaps to make some new resolutions. Robbie says that I have embarrassed him quite enough recently, so most of his resolutions will remain private. I don't usually make resolutions, but this year I intend to make a few changes. On a personal level I intend to end 2007 lighter than I am now - OK I know I have made the same promise to myself for at least 20 years, but this year will be the year that I actually act on my good intentions. Anyway, if all else fails, I could shed a stone instantly by de-cluttering my handbag!

On a family level I think we should try to reduce our global footprint. After all modest changes from everyone would combine to make a significant difference to our world. On the subject of footprints it would be nice if Robbie would make his footsteps lighter especially during the night. He is usually the last person to go to bed, but he thunders around like the honey monster. To be fair he adapted his night time routine ages ago to ensure that he made less noise in the bathroom - at least he doesn't wake people up now! It would make a big difference to me if I could get him to walk around the bed instead of climbing across it at night - getting trodden on doesn't improve the quality of my sleep.

We will make an effort to recycle more, to reuse more and to consume less. Robbie has reluctantly agreed that he doesn't need to buy that huge limp lefty newspaper everyday, he never reads it anyway and it makes the recycle bin incredibly heavy. I will cut back on magazines too and I will recycle old ones instead of hoarding them. We need to reduce our energy consumption too, fuel as well as gas and electricity. It is easier said than done but we will try. Of course Robbie is already doing his bit to save energy - by wandering around in his underwear most of the time he creates very little laundry. I am not sure the world is ready for such a drastic solution, surely one Homer Simpson is quite enough!

Body Work

We were cuddled up in bed this morning listening to the radio, when I was treated to the first 'Random Robbie' of the day. With the morning service playing in the background he said "I know we are always really busy, but do you know what I would really like to do".
After a brief pause he continued "I would like to take up modelling again"
Suddenly I was fully awake, I wondered if there was something wrong with my hearing, surely he hadn't really said modelling? Robbie has a nice body, but the 'Burgess Belly' is hard to ignore. The children often tease him for walking around with his hand on his hip, but I had never thought of him as modelling material - unless of course they are thinking of a Homer Simpson range!I realised that Robbie was still talking, something about base boards and track. A wave of relief swept over me as I realised that he was talking about railway modelling! I quite enjoy his enthusiasm for model trains, we already have 5 crates and several boxes of trains stashed away in the bedroom, I don't suppose a few more will make much difference.

Problems with PJs

I can live with Robbie's peculiar taste in music, I don't have a problem with his passion for trains but there is one thing that I just can't tolerate! He is not allowed outside in his PJs, (or lounge wear as he calls it). One morning in early summer I had been out doing errands while Robbie was doing some jobs at home. Just before lunch, I dropped my daughter off at home and I told her to ask Robbie to come out to the car to speak to me before I went out again. Suddenly Robbie appeared at the side of the car wearing only PJ bottoms and looking uncannily like Homer Simpson's brother. Before I could fully express my displeasure our neighbour arrived home, poor woman, she looked terrified!