The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you understand every individual word but the sentence still doesn't make sense? Those with experience of building self assembly furniture would probably answer with a resounding yes. Have you come close to tears of frustration when trying to communicate with someone apparently speaks the same language as you? If you have ever had to deal with an overseas call centre the answer is probably yes! For most of us those things may be irritating or even upsetting, but they only happen occasionally and then they are quickly forgotten. 

For people with Asperger Syndrome or Autism communication difficulties are a constant challenge. To some extent it is a hidden disability; people with Asperger Syndrome can often be pedantic and obsessive about certain subjects which other people find exhausting or even irritating. They find social interactions difficult because they are not good at reading or predicting situations and they often struggle to interpret emotions or the subtle subtext of what is being said. However these difficulties can be masked to some extent by a wide vocabulary and good linguistic skills, so other people may not realise that the person has not understood. Instead of being understanding, other people can become hostile and angry. 

On Saturday I met a 45 year old man who has been the victim of online bullying, because he didn't fit in. He hadn't done anything wrong, he was just a bit obsessive about his favourite subjects which other people found annoying. I felt terribly sad when this chap told me that he knows a lot of people, but he has no friends. We chatted for well over an hour and I realised that he is a very knowledgeable, interesting man who means no harm to anyone. I just want to make a plea from the heart, please don't be too quick to judge people who are a bit different because they may have a hidden disability. It takes all sorts to make a world, and just a little bit of understanding and tolerance makes the world of difference. 

Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together - Vista M. Kelly

Saturday afternoon brought snow, not just a flurry that didn't last, this was the determined kind that intended to stay. I'm not fond of snow because it makes all the ordinary but essential things such as going to work and shopping for food more difficult to do. By Sunday morning our world was covered in 4 inches of white and my car was lost under a shroud of snow. It took nearly 15 minutes to clean it off and get ready to drive. It was a bit of a challenge to get off the drive (and a bigger challenge to get back on) the side roads were a bit scary, but once I got on to the main roads it was OK.


I have to admit that a covering of snow makes our world look beautiful, and other members of the family had great fun in the snow.

The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show 

(author unknown)

When Enough is Enough

When I was chatting with my friend the other day she referred to my recent post about arguments and she pointed out that what I write on the blog is not always the complete picture because the things that really hurt me do not find their way to the blog. I guess she has a point, I do write when I am sad or hurt or worried, and often the process of writing helps, but one my of my greatest frustrations is not being able to write about a person or a situation either because they do not want to be written about or because the situation is too personal or private to write about. To see a friend or family member struggling and being ground down by a situation is almost worse than enduring it yourself especially when there there very little that you can do to help. Very occasionally I have to accept that the issue is completely off limits, but usually I can write more generally about a subject or write about a similar situation from the past.


Once a very long time ago I was bullied. I was in my first job after qualifying and I became increasingly unhappy because of the way my manager behaved towards me. It was quite a long time before I recognised it as bullying because it was very subtle. I was put down for the smallest errors or omissions, things that I did well were ignored or passed off as my manager's work, she criticised me in front of colleagues and clients, she withheld information so that I would make mistakes and look foolish and she gave me the worst jobs and impossible deadlines. It wasn't my first job, so I knew that work shouldn't be like that and I knew that I was competent, but I still felt that somehow it was my fault and my confidence ebbed away to be replaced with anxiety and dread. I felt trapped and powerless, and I was sure that no one would believe me, it was her word against mine,she had a good reputation and she was coming to the end of a successful career. I did the only thing I could do, I kept going and I worked long hours and I tried to meet the impossible targets.


That situation continued for months, I didn't tell anyone, I just became increasingly unhappy and anxious. Then after about 9 months of agony someone more senior than my manager took me aside after a training course and asked me to tell her what was happening. That was the beginning of the solution for me, it took time and it wasn't easy but knowing that I was believed gave me the confidence to stand up for myself  and to tackle the bullying. Sadly the manager became ill and left not long afterwards, but by then things were much improved between us and we parted on good terms.


Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight I still wonder why it happened. I don't think she was a bad person, she just behaved unkindly towards me. She was at the end of a career that had given her status and satisfaction and she may perhaps have envied my youth and enthusiasm (I was about 23) and been irritated that I took it all for granted. She was traditional, very respectful of hierarchy and she clung to rules and regulations. It seemed to me at the time that she used rules and policy to justify a 'can't do' attitude and to avoid making decisions, but perhaps that is a bit harsh. I realise now that she was out of her depth, she had been moved out of her comfort zone, I think she was intimidated by the client group and I think that clinging to rules and tradition was her way of feeling in control. I suspect she was unhappy and perhaps a little afraid but it doesn't excuse the way she treated me. 


It is hard to admit that you are being bullied and it is probably just as hard to admit to yourself that you are a bully, but acknowledging it is the first step towards putting it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, all theses years later I can still remember how terrible I felt. It was a difficult to face up to those feelings, but having to do so has made me stronger and more determined and I am sure it made me a better manager.  When he was Chief Executive of The Industrial Society Tony Morgan said "Workplace bullying - in any form - is bad for business. It destroys teamwork, commitment and morale."