The greatest gift is our own eyes, sense of smell, and abilities to deduce - Patricia Cornwell

I was dreading going home after our holiday, because I knew the house would be a mess, it was, but it was not as bad as it was last year. We had a nice surprise because my daughter had painted the bathroom and it looks very nice. When we opened the front door we were met by a very unpleasant smell and my first hour or so at home was taken up with trying to track it down. It wasn't animal related and it wasn't the bin, amazingly the bin bag in the kitchen was almost empty. I tracked the pong to the kitchen but I couldn't identify it, I checked for rotting vegetables, but there were none, I had a good sniff inside the fridge but the smell wasn't coming from there. 

In the end I had to leave it and get on with tidying the kitchen and doing the laundry. Then Robbie made me a cup of tea and I sat down in the lounge to drink it. I could smell an over-ripe banana in the fruit bowl and I took it out to the food recycling caddy and as I lifted the lid, the pong was revealed in all it's glory. The contents of the caddy which had morphed into a green hairy mass, had been there since before our holiday! When I had escorted the stinking mass to the outside food bin and disinfected the food caddy, the inquest began. My son was adamant that it was not on his list - a typically aspie response! My older daughter who has a poor sense of smell claimed not to have noticed it and her sister announced that she doesn't have anything to do with food recycling because it is gross. So, the combined intellect of two university graduates and an A Level student was not sufficient to cope with the 'complexities' of  emptying the food caddy. Next year I will leave the cat in charge!

Living Dangerously

I often go to bed before Robbie, partly because I need my sleep and partly because I prefer to listen to the radio rather than watch some of the scary stuff that he likes to watch on television. This works quite well for both of us but there is just one problem - Robbie! He doesn't understand the meaning of the word quiet and he always manages to wake me up when he comes to bed. He then falls asleep as soon as head hits the pillow leaving me wide awake unable to get back to sleep and fighting to hang on to the duvet.

On Monday night he decided to take things a step further. He wasn't quite ready for bed but he decided to come upstairs for a chat. He wasn't put off when he found that I was asleep, he just kept asking if I was awake until I woke up. So what was so important that he needed to wake me up at 1.30am? It certainly wasn't something that could be classed as an emergency even in 'Robbie world'. He wanted to inform me that the cat was suffering from flatulence! I told him loud and clear to 'go away' but I wasn't going to escape that easily. He went into great detail about the exact nature of the smell, then he started rambling on about possibly changing the cat's diet. By then I was ready to harm him and he made a hasty retreat.

The next day I asked him why he woke me up and he said he didn't think I was deeply asleep because I wasn't snoring - I give up!!

I am best viewed from a distance - Jenny Eclair

For the latter part of this week Robbie has been best viewed from a distance, and to be quite honest the greater the distance the better as far as I was concerned. I didn't see him until after I finished work on Wednesday evening. He approached the car with a big smile and as soon as got into the car he leant across to kiss me and he quite literally took my breath away - he stank! When I eventually recovered the power of speech I asked what he'd been eating? He gave a little shrug and said "nothing". I knew that wasn't true, the day that Robbie doesn't eat anything will be the day that he requires an ambulance!


It was a very difficult journey, the car stank and I was scared to breathe. I needed to get home as quickly as possible in order to escape from Robbie's breath, but I resisted the temptation to exceed the speed limit! He gave me one of his sheepish 'little boy' smiles and admitted that he had been out for lunch with his friends. He said that he'd had some rather nice sweet potato soup. Sweet? His breath was anything but sweet, he could have stripped paint with his breath! I kept my distance for the rest of the evening, but the pong seemed to take over the house so I retreated to the relative safety of the bedroom. I was asleep before he came to bed but too my horror his breath was just as bad the next morning!


His breath had improved a bit by the evening (but it was still a work in progress). He'd had a productive day and a pleasant time after work with friend's so he was bouncy and cheerful while I was exhausted after a challenging day. I was sitting at in the car looking down at my phone (to reply to a text) when Mr B crept up to the car and banged on the bonnet. I nearly jumped out of my skin, but he thought it was hilarious. Why do men never grow up? He spent the first half of the journey home giggling and the second half apologising!


I thought life would be back to normal by Friday, but I had forgotten that he was going out after work to mark a colleague's retirement. He arrived home (eventually) sober but smelly - I detest the smell of alcohol. I was happy to leave him downstairs watching television when I went to bed, but he must have found his way upstairs at some point because I woken this morning by Robbie 'backfiring'. I tried to ignore it, then I tried to wake him up, I failed dismally on both counts. In the end I decided that I suffered enough and I abandoned him in favour of the peace and quiet (and clean air) of the lounge. This week has taught me an important lesson - not to take fresh air for granted!

First Catch Your Cat!

The wanderer has returned from his busy weekend playing trains and he is now sitting in the corner snoring and the dog is sprawled on the floor also snoring! I shouldn't moan at least while he is dozing it gives me a break from listening to tales of his wonderful trip to Swanage. He didn't seem so interested in my adventures over the last few days, I don't blame him it really.

On Friday I went to the dentist, only minor treatment needed, the pain was financial rather than physical! The trip to the dentist was followed by a trip to the vet for George the cat, he was also in need of dental work. He had all his teeth out soon after we got him because they were in a bad state and causing him pain, but recently a fragment of tooth or root has come up through his gum and it looked inflamed and painful. Typically the fragment came out on Friday morning before we went to the vet, George needed antibiotics to help with the infection. More financial pain for me and serious indignity for George.

Unfortunately George gets travel sick, on the way to the vet he vomited and on the way back disaster struck he had a serious bowel accident. When we got home I opened the cat box carefully because he was covered, but he shot out of the box and hid under the table – thank goodness we don't have carpet! I dashed to the kitchen for wipes and cleaning materials and by the time I returned George had managed to 'pebble dash' the dog as well. I was starting to lose the will to live, but after an entertaining hour bathing the cat and washing the dog I managed to get the house cleaned up. After that it was back to the same old routine, laundry, shopping, cooking, taking people here and there and then fetching them back again. There was also the little matter of getting the cat to take his tablets!

Slow Torture! 08.10.07

I have an exceptionally good sense of smell, it became a bit of a legend among my colleagues. We encountered 'nasty niffs' on a fairly regular basis, not only was I almost always the first person to spot them, I could usually identify the precise cause of the pong with cringe making accuracy.

There have been times when my sense of smell has almost driven me to distraction. When Sam was a bit younger he went through a 'spy' phase and for reasons best known to him he stashed some goodies in the pocket of the sofa valance. Very soon I detected the smell of decaying orange, but despite turning the room upsidedown and pulling all the furniture out I couldnt find the source of the smell. It took days before I descovered Sam's stash which included a very sad satsuma. I seem to remember that when questioned Sam mentioned something about survival techniques.

Robbie has learned to put up with my sense of smell, there is no point telling fibs about what he has had for lunch or if he had a sandwich on the train because I always know. There are certain smells that I can't stand, in particular I dislike the smell of alcohol and the smell of onions. I am teetotal and since we have been together Robbie only has the occasional pint when he goes to a gig. Onions prove a bit more of a temptation to him but he doesn't like the consequences - I won't go anywhere near him. On Saturday Robbie decided to have some cheese and chive pretzels as a snack. As a result he stank of onions, and I couldn't even bear him to talk to me because it was so overpowering. It was so bad that I threatened to sleep on the sofa, but in the end I curled up on the edge of the bed, longing for clean air!

I had a bad night and I was tired the next day. To add to my troubles Robbie was in a strop because he still smelled. It gradually diminished during the day and by Sunday evening I was longing for a good sleep with no onion fumes, unfortunately that wasn't to be. Robbie can't stay still to save his life, it is like sleeping next to a windmill! 'Radioactive Man' constantly claims to be too hot and he waves his arms and legs about in such an exaggerated way that it could be mistaken for a Kenny Everett impression! The end result is that I always have to fight for my share of the duvet, and last night I was constantly cold because he kept fanning cold air into the bed. Today I am going to acquire two bricks (don't worry, nothing drastic!) I just want to weight my side of the duvet down. Failing that I am going to buy a sleeping bag!

Déjà Vu 05.08.07

I had so much to do today and so little energy, the intentions were good but the effort was sadly lacking. When I rather belatedly emerged from the shower and ventured downstairs my nostrils were assailed by the unmistakable fragrance of fox. Megan had rolled again, we get foxes in the back garden sometimes and she must have found the 'noxious substance' there because she was fine last night. Robbie and Sam were sitting in the lounge wondering what the smell was, neither of them had noticed the caked on 'perfume' around Megan's neck! The 'b' word was mentioned and Megan instantly became a quivering wreck, she was dragged off for a bath by two equally reluctant men. I kept well away, but I could still hear the soundtrack - a crescendo of expletives followed by a cry of anguish from Robbie and further disparaging remarks directed at Megan. In due course Meg reappeared looking fresh as a daisy, next came a rather dishevelled Sam and finally Robbie looking like a drowned rat, he was drenched and was promptly despatched for a shower. Sam explained that the shriek of anguish from Robbie was in response to Megan jumping out of the bath prematurely she then shook herself which soaked Robbie. He and Meg kept out of each others way for the rest of the day!

Robbie nearly drove me mad regarding the choice of our next washing machine. We both agreed that we wanted a Bosch machine, but I wanted a basic one as there is less to go wrong, while Robbie wanted to get one with lots of extra bells and whistles. We ended up arguing over the need for a digital display and as the machine hasn't yet been ordered it is not clear who has won the argument yet.

I forgot to mention yesterday that yet another garment has made a lonely journey to Euston. This time it was Sam's jacket - I am sure Robbie bribed him to do it. A few minutes after they got in the car Sam announced that he had left the jacket on the train, that necessitated a flurry of phone calls from Robbie to a variety of railway people. The jacket was rescued and is now safely tucked away awaiting collection, so Robbie will have to make yet another trip to Euston to fetch it. He has made so many detours to Euston recently that I am beginning to think he must have a woman tucked away in the stores there!!

Too Much Excitement 08.07.07

Robbie and I had to take a load of bin bags to the tip today because we missed the bin men this week. It absolutely stank the car out and I had to wind the window down just to survive the journey. Robbie decided that he would take our minds off it with his sparkling conversation, so he told me about a book that he wants to buy. It is a history of road numbering and it is especially exciting because it includes a section on island roads and some roads in London that do not follow the normal rules. I feel the need for more excitement in my life. I made a mental note to pop out and buy some paint tomorrow so that I can watch it drying!

The Trouble With Cats 06.07.07

Robbie has been at it again, the Random Robbie's have been coming thick and fast. We were in the car on our way to my mum's for a meal this evening when I noticed a horrible gas like car smell. It wasn't the sort of smell that I would instantly blame Robbie for, so I commented that someone must have a poorly 'cat'. I was referring to the catalytic converter, but Robbie said "Oh yes cats smell really bad sometimes, I remember Felix could be a bit smelly". He's hopeless!

Robbie loves to go to my mum's because she feeds him until he can't eat any more - and that's quite an achievement because he loves eating. Robbie sat down to the most enormous plate of food, but it didn't stop him talking for long. He commented on the last day of the Royal Show being cancelled due to the bad weather and he told us that he listens to Farming Today on Radio 4 every morning. He managed not to share the fact that he is stark naked while listening to Farming Today but the thought must have crossed his mind because he suddenly announced his unique suggestion for saving energy and going green. He thinks we should all go without clothes as it would save on laundry, save energy and eliminate production and distribution costs. We laughed, but he was deadly serious. He went on to say that he absolutely loved to be free of clothes and he thought it would be much better for everyone. I don't think our neighbours are ready for that prospect, come to think of it I'm not ready to cope with that - It would be like an episode of the Moomins.

I sometimes worry about Robbie, he has absolutely no sense. He has a mother in law who spoils him, feeds him and generally makes a fuss of him, all he has to do is enjoy his food. Instead he terrifies her with thoughts of nudity, it was enough to put everyone off their meal.

Haunted 08.02.07

We have the oddest problem at home. It has become so bad that I think we are being haunted - by a smell. No, I'm not talking about the pungent smell of fox after Megan has rolled in her favourite brand of poo, actually she prefers tortoise poo, but that is seasonal. The smell in question is an unmistakable odour of curry that occurs in our hall close to the radiator and the lounge door frame. Some days it is hardly noticeable, but on other days it overwhelming.

I have ruled out all sorts of possible causes, there is no spilled food and we don't eat curry anyway, there is no smell in the carpet and there is no odour creeping under the front door from outside - I have never smelled curry outside so that is not likely. Sam assures me that it is not caused by one of his practical jokes, there is no smell coming from inside the radiator and I have even delved into Robbie's briefcase in case something was festering in there. It seems there is no rational explanation, so we have to consider more bizarre possibilities. Maybe it is a case for Mulder and Scully! Perhaps we have a curry eating ghost in the hall - unlikely I know, but I can't think of anything else! I can't imagine why a self respecting ghost would loiter in the hall when he or she could be relaxing in the lounge watching TV.

This has been going on for months with no solution. It drives me mad because I hate the smell of curry - as Robbie has found to his cost. I can't bear strong smells especially garlic and curry, I don't like onion either, he can eat whatever he likes as long as he doesn't come near me. He isn't too fond of the sofa, so he tends to avoid smelly food most of the time. He used to try to fool me by eating mints, but I have a nose like a bloodhound and he soon realised that I am not easily fooled.

I guess we have to learn to live with our 'ghostly' smell, unless anyone has any suggestions to resolve the problem?