Things That Go Chomp in the Night

Robbie came very close to being harmed a few nights ago. I should be used to him testing my tolerance to the limit, but when he wakes me up at night he really is asking for trouble. Last Friday I wet to bed at around midnight and Robbie promised that he would not be far behind. I listened to the radio for a little while, but when it became clear that Robbie was not going to turn up any time soon, I turned off the light, settled down and went to sleep.

Much later I was woken by the sound of the bedroom door bursting open and Robbie clomping in talking (to himself or to his imaginary friend) about pants. I reluctantly opened one eye to look at the alarm clock, it was past 2am and Robbie was deciding what pants he wanted to wear in the morning. I closed my eye again and decided to be asleep, it didn't seem to bother him because he was going to talk to me anyway. The subject changed from pants to delayed trains and I knew that 'staying asleep' was the right decision.

Suddenly there was a big thump as a heavy object landed on the bed next to me, it made me jump and I gave up on the idea of 'staying asleep'. I rolled over to find that the Argos catalogue was next to me on the bed. At about the same time Robbie launched himself onto the bed and then spent what felt like hours beating his pillows and flapping the duvet around. I was getting seriously irritated and I was already planning cruel and unusual punishments, but he was totally oblivious. He propped his pillows up against the headboard unwrapped a toffee picked up the Argos catalogue and turned on the light. That was the final straw, I found my voice and told him in no uncertain terms to turn off the light. He refused, so I turned it off myself. He put it back on saying that 20 minutes with the Argos catalogue wasn't much to ask. I sat up and informed him that aggressive toffee chewing and browsing catalogues was NOT a bedroom activity especially at past 2am! I gave him a choice, either read and chew in the bathroom or stop being an idiot and go to sleep. Reluctantly he chose the latter, with a look of defeat he turned off the light, snuggled down and was instantly asleep. I was too angry to sleep, the chomping had been replaced with strange snoring noises like the sound of a balloon deflating!