Bursting the Bubble

I had a very strange experience this evening, I feel a bit sad about it really because I think I preferred not really knowing and letting my imagination fill the gaps. For years Robbie has been entertaining me with tales about his work, it is bit like the railway version of The Archers - the everyday story of train planning folk. Over time I have got used to this strange little world peopled with an odd assortment of characters, most of whom are known by weird and wonderful nicknames. Gradually I had built up mental images of all these people just based on their names, one was like a character from the beano, one had rosy cheeks and a slightly camp manner, another was tall and thin with a rather confused expression and one just had a silly grin. I was quite happy with my version of reality, but tonight Robbie burst my bubble by showing me a photo of all these people. My mental images were completely wrong, except for the beano character, that one wasn't too far off target. Most looked older than I expected, one had a lovely smile, one looked far more scary than I imagined, and one bore an uncanny resemblance to Richard Briars. From now on every time I hear his name Howard and Hilda in their matching anoraks will pop into my head, and this saga now has it's own theme tune - ever decreasing circles!

Why does he do that?

Those people who read the blog regularly will know by now that Robbie's thought processes are random to say the least, but he still manages to surprise me sometimes. His mind wanders at the most inappropriate times. I am sure he thinks that I have a pause button - like the television. At the weekend he interrupted an intimate moment to tell me about a bus tour next year, needless to say the moment was lost. I am sure his colleagues think it is funny to fill his head with this daft information, don't I have enough problems with him and rail tours without telling him about bus tours as well. So beware, I know who you are and I'm not amused!!

Keeping Warm

I am starting to feel a little more human again today, I felt a bit dodgy on Thursday and absolutely diabolical on Friday. I have a long standing digestive problem but it hasn't been this bad for years. I managed to get Robbie to the station on Friday morning but when I got home matters took a turn for the worse and there was no way on earth that I would have been able to get Sam to school. In fact it was so bad that Robbie turned round at Birmingham International, and headed home. At least he has the necessary equipment to work from home. I really don't remember much about Friday after that, when I finally stopped running to the bathroom I slept for hours, I felt very cold but Robbie said I was burning up.

I didn't feel like doing very much today, but at least I felt vaguely human again. This morning I stayed in bed because I still felt too cold to get up even with Robbie's radioactive rear to keep the bed warm. It turned out to be a really nice morning because we cuddled up and watched my favourite film Farmer Moving South. It is one of the finest early British Transport Films, it follows a farmer's relocation from Skutterskelf Hall Farm, near Stokesley in North Yorkshire, to Perry Hill Farm, Hartfield, Sussex on the 31st December 1950 - a date recorded as the coldest night of that year. I wish I could go back in time and explore the railways of those days. It is clear from the film that it was a different world, there was no health and safety, no risk assessments, just good old common sense - something that seems to be sadly lacking these days!

Saying Goodbye

It has been a difficult sort of week. We had to attend the funeral of a much loved family member on Thursday. She was 82 but none of the family were ready to think of a future without her in it. Her funeral service suited her perfectly, it was full of all the things that really matter in life, to the very last she did things her way. It wasn't the funeral of an old lady, it was a moving farewell to a woman who had lived and loved and stayed young at heart to the very end. There is so much to learn when you look back at a life lived well. It reminds you to cherish the things that really matter such as family and not to stress too much about the things that aren't really so important.

There had been a rift within the family, that saddened her very much, but she never took sides and she kept on loving everyone involved and hoping that in the end sense would prevail. What she could not accomplish in life she achieved in her final illness and death, the rift is healed and her family realise that they need each other more than ever. It is a shame that she did not live to see everyone all together again, but to see the family united again at her funeral was a fitting tribute to a lady who knew that we only have one life and we have to get on and live it to the full.

There's weird and then there's Warley!

A few months ago Robbie asked me if I would like to go to a model railway exhibition with him in November. He must have caught me at a weak moment because I agreed without hesitation. I am quite interested in Robbie's model railway collection - I don't have much choice really because they are taking over the bedroom! In previous years the thought of the crowds has put me off (I really struggle with crowds) but this year I braved it.

I thought Robbie's back pain would stop us going, but he was determined not to miss it because he had been looking forward to it for months. We got up stupidly early on Saturday morning and headed towards the station, before long we were sitting comfortably on a train enjoying a bacon roll and a cup of tea (coffee in Robbie's case). We spotted a number of other passengers who seemed to be heading for the same destination - how did we know, well they had train spotter written all over them! It was a bit too chilly for even the hardiest among them to contemplate socks and sandals, but there were plenty of beards and bellies in evidence!

When we got to the NEC we were herded into a rather disorderly crowd by one frantic man with a walkie talkie, and just before 9.30am the crowd moved forward and down the stairs and a few minutes later we were in the hall and wondering what to look at first. Robbie was like a kid in a sweetshop, he wanted to dash off in all directions at once. At one of the first stands we looked at he saw a Heljan Class 17 Clayton that proved too hard to resist, he looked at a few more stands before dashing back to blow his whole budget on the Clayton.

I managed to hang on to my money for a little longer. I was so tempted by the Ivor the Engine products, I love Ivor the Engine and I did go back and buy a couple of Ivor books later on. I could have spent a fortune, but since I didn't have a fortune to spend I manages to keep more or less within my budget. I saw loads of things that I really liked especially a Virgin Voyager set (so if Santa is reading this please take note). I spent most of my budget on books, I just couldn't resist them, there was one about Victorian and Edwardian carriage design, one about the history of the circus train, another about the railways during the war and Robbie's favourite 'Rails around Walsall'. In a weak moment I agreed to let Robbie buy loads of back copies of magazines. Before long I was weighed down with bags and I felt as if my arms would be stretched right down to my knees!

I was surprised how easy it was to lose Robbie in the crowd - but he kept finding me again! I found it very exhausting and by about 11.30am Robbie was struggling to cope with leg and back pain and I was tired, so we decided to go to York on the train. We could eat our packed lunch in comfort and enjoy looking through our new books. It was a really nice day. When we finally caught the train back to Northampton we were in for a nice surprise at Rugby, Tornado (60163) was sitting in platform 5 on it's return journey from working a rail tour. Our train was full with many people standing, lots of people were coming back from Warley and it was fascination to see all the different types of people who become obsessed with all things railway. Robbie told me off for staring, but I couldn't help it I had never seen anything like it in my life - so many variations on a theme. Robbie's quote of the day - 'there's weird and then there's Warley!'

Clever Cats

Robbie is not one to shy away from a challenge, but sometimes I think he is a slow learner. Surely he should know by now that it is impossible to train a cat - but it doesn't stop him trying! Each time the clocks change he begins a process with the cats to reset their body clock. Train planning spills over into all aspects of Robbie's daily life including feeding the cat's. they have their booked slot and he nothing will make him deviate from it. Each day Robbie talks to the cats and explains how much longer they have to wait until their designated meal time (using the 24 hour clock of course!). Oreo is nice but dim and he doesn't take much notice of Robbie, but George humours him by looking vaguely interested. He is older and wiser than Oreo, he can tell the time, and he can manipulate Robbie. If Robbie makes him wait for his food, he gives him the run around, he raids the bin, scratches the door and does countless other things to get his attention. Robbie hasn't quite made the connection yet, a well fed cat is a well behaved cat! Eventually Robbie will realise that cats have a more elastic concept of time - rather like Network Rail!

Decisions, Decisions.

It seems as if the blog has focussed a lot on aches and pains recently, I try not to sound too gloomy, but as I write about the ordinary events of family life it is hard to avoid writing about something as important as Robbie's struggle with back and leg pain. Over recent years his legs have misbehaved more and more frequently (that is true of the rest of him too - but that's another story!). He has written off so many pairs of trousers and jackets, but every cloud has a silver lining - I suspect he is single-handedly responsible for the improvement in Marks and Spencer's profits.

For quite a long time I have been trying to persuade Robbie to take his health more seriously and to make some adjustments in his life to make things a little easier. To be honest I get more attention when I talk to the dog (and she is deaf!) but finally we have reach the point where Robbie has had to take stock and admit that even a superhero would struggle to cope with the wide range of commitments that he was trying to cope with.

As well as a demanding job and a difficult journey to work every day, he had his rail tours, gigs, various union responsibilities, family commitments, a demanding wife, and one or two other little diversions that he would kill me if I mentioned on the b

log (yes even worse than milk floats!). Anyway Robbie has reluctantly admitted that he has to put his health and his family first. Sometimes just getting to work is a real struggle, but he never gives up, he loves his job, and he puts his heart and soul into his work, so that has to come first, before any of his other activities. He loves his trains too, I am sure if he had to choose between me and a deltic he would the deltic! Never mind, I know my place! He couldn't give up his trains and his rail tours, it would be cruel to expect him to do that, but he has promised to be more realistic about how much he can do.

So that leaves gigs and the union. In his heart Robbie knows that gigs will not figure very much in his future, but he isn't quite ready to put that into words. He would't be able to stand for that long and that ridiculous bouncing up and down thing that he used to do has to stay firmly in the past. I know it is hard, but I am sure we can find other ways for him to enjoy his music (I use the term music in it's broadest sense, to me the stuff he likes is just noise). The union was the most difficult decision of all. I make no secret of the fact that I disapprove of his union involvement, but I love Robbie and I am proud of the work he has done to support his colleagues in many different ways. Recently he has been very unhappy and stressed because there have been times when his health has stopped him from fulfilling his union responsibilities and there have been even more times

when his union work has encroached on his paid work to an unacceptable degree. In the end the union pressures were too much to cope with and something had to give. It was such a hard decision but Robbie has finally decided to step aside from his union roles and let others take their turn.

So if you see Robbie he could use a few friendly words because it has been a difficult few weeks, but beware, he doesn't like people to make a fuss so a dodgy joke or a chat about trains would be

far more welcome than an excess of sympathy. He may have had to face a few setbacks, but in his head he still thinks he is Superman!

Music at his Fingertips

I should be used to Robbie by now, but he still manages to surprise me. For a few days he had been asking to be taken to Blacks to buy some gloves. It seemed like a reasonable request, after all it is very cold early in the morning when he catches the train, so anything that makes him feel more comfortable has to be a good thing. I had forgotten one thing, wit Robbie you always have to expect the unexpected..............

On Sunday we were heading to my mum's for the afternoon, but we took a diversion to Blacks so that Robbie could buy his gloves. He said it wouldn't take long, so I waited in the car while Robbie headed towards the shop. I was just starting to wonder if I should send out a search party when Robbie came trotting across the car park with a huge grin on his face. When he got in the car he was loud and over excited, and I began to wonder if he'd had too many blue Smarties. How can anyone get so excited about a pair of gloves?

As I drove off Robbie tried on his gloves, they are not exactly what I expected. They were black with grippers on the palms and silver pads on the finger and thumb. Emily said they made him look like a magician while I thought he looked more like a mime artist, but our teasing didn't seem to dampen his enthusiasm at all. He explained in great detail that the silver tips enable him to use his ipod without having to take his gloves off! Apparently they are called etip gloves I am not sure what they are made of, but judging by the price they should be covered in gold leaf!

The Way To His Heart

This week has been difficult for both of us; for me because all my attention has been taken up with a DLA renewal application for a family member, for Robbie because he is very busy at work and he is in so much pain from his back and legs that coping with everyday life is almost impossible. I was so worried about him on Thursday evening because he could hardly move, but Robbie being Robbie, he wasn't going to give in. It took a superhuman effort, but he headed off to work bright and early on Friday morning.

The weekend could so easily have been a disaster, Robbie was in pain and frustrated because it was stopping him from doing most of the things he wanted to do. We were in no hurry to get moving on Saturday, but Robbie decided that if he had to miss out on some of his usual weekend activities he wanted to ride on trains instead. So at midday we were at the station ready to catch the 12.17 to Birmingham, there was just one problem - it was cancelled! I'm not sure if was that or the tepid coffee that upset Robbie most, but I was treated to one of his rants. He soon calmed down and before long we we were heading to Birmingham on a blue train and Robbie got his favourite seat, so he was happy again.

I suggested that we should have a look at some of Robbie's favourite shops in Birmingham. It was very brave of me because I don't cope very well with crowds and I am not keen on Birmingham, but I wanted him to have a nice day. We went to the Ian Allan bookshop, a record shop and lots of shoe shops because Robbie had his eye on some new trainers. I saw the most amazing pair of Dr Marten boots in Cloggs - I want them so badly but they are too tight across my foot where the lace up bit starts. Robbie bought himself an Animal T shirt and I bought him what he refers to as 'railway porn' - a Quail map (a book of track maps).

There was a loud and very scary parade on New Street. I couldn't see much because of the crowds, but there was a dragon and some dancers and a whole gang of men in kilts making an excruciating noise with bagpipes. I had to go and hide in The Works until it was all over - I bought a couple of books in there too. Robbie wanted to have a coffee in Costa before we went home, it was a bad decision, it was crowded and far too noisy so neither of us enjoyed it, but I guess it prepared us for the journey home, some football fans decided to serenade us and they kept up their chanting all the way to Rugby. If that wasn't bad enough the moron in front decided that the whole train had to listen to his music, it made me feel quite violent. Surprisingly Robbie was quite chilled he was in his own little world, lost in the detail of his Quail map! It was worth making the effort, we had a really good time despite the wild men with bagpipes and the problems on the train.

In Need of Therapy

Last Thursday Robbie had meetings in Milton Keynes, so he was able to enjoy a later start. I take Sam to school and Emily to work every morning, so I was able to drop Robbie at the station on the way. His legs were hurting, but he was on top form, and he was looking forward to the day. Sam was talking about swimming at school and Robbie mentioned that he would like to swim, he said the exercise would be good for him. So far so good, but his next sentence filled us all with horror, he announced that he would only swim in Speedos (or completely naked) apparently he isn't keen on baggy swimming shorts. Sam recoiled in horror while I told Robbie that in that case he shouldn't swim after all! Sam said that he will need a lifetime of therapy to cope with that image!

On a Serious Note

Even when I am feeling sad or angry I try to add a note of humour when I write the blog, I don't want it to just be a rant. Writing things down helps me to process the events of the day and often I can see something amusing in relatively ordinary situations, I hope that wry smile is evident in my writing.

Robbie's disability is a subject that I find especially difficult to write about because I know how strongly he feels about it. He wants to be recognised for his ability not his disability, he tries not to mention the intense pain he copes with most of the time and he doesn't like to draw attention to himself when he is finding it especially difficult to walk. He puts on a brave face and when the pain is so bad that he can't ignore it or when his legs don't do as they are told he relies on dark humour (and a few swear words) to help him cope.

I rarely mention his disability in any detail and when I do write about it I try to be fairly light hearted because he would hate it if I wrote a 'poor Robbie' type of blog entry, but that certainly doesn't mean I don't care. He can't hide his pain from me, I am the one who sees him first thing in the morning when can hardly move, I am the one who can tell at a glance that he is in more pain than usual, I know when he can't sleep because he can't get comfortable and I am the one on the receiving end of his frustration when the pain stops him doing the things he wants to do. Of course I care, I care very much, but I am also very proud of the way he copes and the way he always bounces back and just gets on with life.

So why am I writing about this now? Because there is a very fine line between smiling with someone to make light of a difficult situation, and laughing at someone. What may be appropriate banter in an informal family setting where there is absolute trust may be completely inappropriate and hurtful in a work setting. In fact it could even be seen as bullying! I think Robbie copes amazingly well, he is funny sometimes and there are times when he makes me laugh out loud, but I am not laughing at his disability, I am laughing because I love him and it is easier to get through life with smiles than tears.

Please be thoughtful about the problems that others face, don't be too quick to criticise, don't assume you know how they feel and be careful that what is intended as good natured banter does not cause hurt to the recipient. A few words of encouragement can work wonders if someone is having a bad day