Death By Misadventure - Well Almost!

Dave had a near death experience last night and it was partly my fault. My favourite meal is liver and bacon, but I always pick the bits of onion out of the gravy, the onion needs to be there to flavour the gravy but there is no way that I want to eat that slimy stuff so I pick it out. I usually put the onion bits in a little plastic bag but yesterday there was an empty crisp packet at the top of the bin so I scooped the gravy covered onion into that folded it over a few times and put it in the bin. I thought no more about it and in due course I went To bed. The problem is that a when it comes to food Dave is a chap who just can't say no (a bit like Robbie really!) and old habits are hard to break, he was a stray for a long time and he still has a compulsion to rummage through the bins. It seems Dave went rummaging in the bin, found the crisp packet and in an attempt to get the bits of onion and gravy he got the crisp packet stuck on his head. Robbie came home very late from a rail tour and he found Dave sprawled on the floor in the hall almost unconscious with the crisp packet on his head. At first Robbie thought he was dead but when he removed the crisp packet and stroked him for a little while Dave revived and by the time I went down to feed him in the he was his old self again. I would have been devastated if anything had happened to him, I love that cat so much.

Indulging a Passion

Robbie sends me lots of texts. Some are rants, usually these start with the word 'farce' and go on to detail the difficulties he has experienced during his journey. Some are more enthusiastic, they usually start with 'helfire' and go on to provide extremenly detailed extremely detailed information about something (usually railway related) that has pleased him. Then there are the random information texts, they always begin with 'did you know?' Other categories of text include excuses, apologies, loving texts and my absolute favourite, the sort that make you laugh out loud. 


I got one of those 'laugh out loud' texts a couple of days ago, "Just off to Marsh Barton on the bus to get my briefcase serviced :D x x" When you live with Robbie, the ability to filter out his constant chatter is an essential skill. I had probably filtered out whole conversations I vaguely remember him mentioning the word briefcase once or twice, but that is all. I laughed at the text because the way he phrased it made me think of stud farms and such like. I wondered how exactly briefcases are serviced, but I didn't remain ignorant for very long, he spent all evening telling me about it!    


Robbie likes bags of all kinds, he loves his rucksack, but briefcases are his passion and he is the proud owner of a Henry Tomkins handmade leather briefcase. He wants to keep it in tip top condition so he took it in to be serviced. He couldn't stop talking about the fantastic customer service - in fact leather bags and briefcases were his only topic of conversation all evening! 


http://www.htleather.co.uk/catalogue/briefcase/briefcase.html#lite

Another Woman?

The fact that Robbie and I do not have the same surname seems to throw people into a state of confusion especially when it comes to letters. It makes it a little more difficult to address the envelope, so most people either use only my name or they miss me out and just address the letter to Robbie. The other day the postman handed me a rather beautiful looking envelope as well as the usual run of the mill post. I put Robbie's post, including the attractive envelope on the table for him, but I couldn't help picking up the mystery envelope and examining it more closely. It was neatly addressed and the envelope seemed to be hand made from quality paper with just the right amount of decoration on it. It spoke of subtle good taste and attention to detail, the more I thought about it the more suspicious it seemed. Robbie does appreciate quality, but his tastes are quirky to say the least and he is a stranger to subtlety. I wondered if he could he possibly have another woman and if so how did he managed to fit her in to his hectic life?


I made up my mind to be close by when he opened his post and I contented myself with making a mental not of all the jobs that need to be done. It seemed only fair that if he had surplus time and energy that I should benefit from it - by the time he got home I had a very long list of chores. I watched him closely (while trying to feign disinterest) as he opened the envelope, A big grin spread across his face and then he did an excited little dance, it wasn't what I expected, surely he would have been more furtive if he was up to no good? He saw my bemused expression and explained that the card was for both of us, it contained some exciting news from one of our friends - but that is a story for another day!

Who Are You Calling A Nerd??"

I have written before about my elderly mobile phone, it is nine year old and still going strong  - well to be totally honest it isn't exactly going strong, but it does still work. I am waiting to inherit my daughter's backberry she has just got an iphone and has kindly offered mum her old phone. Anyway my present phone works well enough to cope with a few texts every day, mostly texts from Robbie. I still get teased my texts, my son looks at me shakes his head and says "Mother, you are the only person in the world who writes a text in whole sentences with punctuation!". It seems that I can't win because Robbie moans at me for using templates and tells me to make my texts more personal, but this post is not really about my writing style, it is about Robbie's texts.


Robbie can be very persuasive especially when he wants to convince me that I want to get up before the birds on as Saturday morning and spend the whole day travelling on trains. I got one of those kind of persuasive texts from him one day last week, a subtle blend of flattery, temptation and pleading because he wanted me to play trains with him on Saturday. Te odd thing was that the final word of the text "nerd" was rather insulting and not in the 'Uriah Heep' style of the rest of the text. I responded with "Did you call me a nerd" and there was rather a long silence before I go a rather embarrassed response. Apparently he thought he was sending an emoticon, but because my phone is like me (a bit behind the times) it just named the emoticon rather than creating a winking face or whatever it was. I have warned Robbie to be careful who he sends these things to, otherwise his texts could contain unexpected insults!

Shopping for the Cat

Robbie has his funny little ways. I have written before about him talking to the animals and even attempting to teach the cats to tell the time, but it is becoming silly now. He has taken the Dr Doolittle thing one step further, he now claims to speak for the cats! He really doesn't need to, both cats are quite capable of making their feelings very clear. When Robbie is cross with Oreo he hides under the bath (the cat not Robbie, Robbie wouldn't fit under the bath!) but Dave stands his ground and swears back and if Robbie points at him Dave raises his paw to remind Robbie that what he lacks in teeth he makes up for in claws! Dave is my cat and as far as he is concerned Robbie should know his place. He hates Robbie to sit next to me or to hug me and if Robbie is brave enough to try Dave pushes his way between us and sits there defiantly until Robbie moves away. I accept that Dave can communicate eloquently with Robbie and I understand they both have more than a passing interest in food, but this is going too far. According to Robbie, Dave prefers me to buy his cat food from Tesco (not my usual supermarket), he would prefer it to be in a foil tray rather than in a pouch and he would like more of the fish flavours and less of the meat flavours. Apparently his lack of teeth makes our usual brand of cat food a bit of an effort for him. Really? I find that hard to believe, this is the cat who can steal and eat a whole sausage, he likes nothing better than climbing into the bin to forage for treats and when we bring the shopping home he will rip open anything that takes his fancy if we take our eyes off him for a second. I suspect Dave's sudden interest in supermarket shopping has more to do with Robbie's preferences than the cat's! 

The Glass Magnet

After having a week off together last week I had very mixed feelings about Monday because Robbie was going back to work (I had an extra day because of the bank holiday). Having Robbie around 24/7 can be challenging at times and occasionally I long for a bit of peace, but I am always sad when our holidays come to an end. I wasn't best pleased about the early start either! 


Robbie is a bit annoyed with me at the moment. He knows that it is unreasonable to get cross about it but, he doesn't like his routine to be changed even in smallest changes upset him. I have bought 6 new drinking glasses without seeking his approval. I really didn't think I needed to consult him about spending the grand sum of £2, but I had forgotten how particular he is about deciding on the exact size and shape of everything in the kitchen. By his standards he did well at hiding his annoyance, but we had an hour or so of sulking and stomping before he resigned himself to accepting the new glasses.  


We wouldn't have needed new glasses at all if Robbie hadn't had such a smashing time recently. I wouldn't exactly say that he is clumsy, it is more a case of things not getting out of his way quickly enough! He has wiped out two glasses and a railway mug in just over a week. That isn't such a big deal but he is like a magnet to glass and every time something gets broken he manages to cut himself. He doesn't have as much feeling in his feet as other people so that is probably why he treads on the glass in the first place. Sometimes the first hint of injury is a trail of blood leading to Robbie, at other times he does something resembling a native American war dance with corresponding sound effects as he hops into the lounge to sit down. Either way the result is the same, me on my knees picking glass out of his foot, then on my hands and knees in the kitchen with the dustpan and brush trying to pick up every speck of glass. I wish someone would design glass proof socks, preferably multicoloured ones that would appeal to Robbie.   

How to Transport a Banana?

Yesterday Robbie and I went shopping to buy birthday presents for my daughter who will be 20 very soon. It gets harder to choose presents as they get older, I have fond memories of the days when the whole thing could be sorted in one trip to Toys R Us. We went to Home Sense to look for a couple of items that I can't name here for obvious reasons. I thought I was fairly safe taking Robbie to a shop that sells household goods but as so often when it comes to Robbie I was wrong!


The first thing that he spotted was a large and truly hideous clock that he thought would look perfect in our lounge - believe me it wouldn't! He was just on the cusp of a strop, the bottom lip started to jut out and he gave me the look so I thought it would be best to distract him by heading up to the cookware department. As we got to the top of the stairs I realised that I had to keep him away from the bed linen section because they had Kath Kidston designs and he would want to buy a new duvet set if he saw it, he loves Kath Kidston designs. Amazingly I managed to avoid that section, but that didn't keep him out of trouble.


I was looking at the baking section when in his usual loud voice he called to me to say that he needed a banana carrier. I tried to ignore it but that just made him louder, he informed anyone listening that he has been having a lot of trouble with his bananas getting bruised! It was a pointless conversation because they didn't sell banana cases, but once he got going he wouldn't shut up. Thankfully his attention was taken up with a two book set about the history of Lego and Lego Mini Figures. He was so excited that it was embarrassing, I agreed to buy him the book in the hope that it would keep him quiet.


When we got home he started researching banana carriers. He informed me that you can buy blow up ones that look really good. I informed him that there was no way that he was having a blow up banana carrier because he would probably get himself arrested. Just in case he was in any doubt I made it absolutely clear that if he bought a banana carrier I had no intention of taking a tape measure to Morrisons with me to find bananas of the correct shape and size!!

Time to Say Goodbye?

I have often written about the things that Robbie does to annoy me, but I rarely write about the things that I do to annoy him - yes it's true, I am not perfect!! One of the things that makes Robbie absolutely furious is my attitude to mobile phones. Robbie would find it more acceptable to go out without underwear than to forget his phone, while I still see my phone as something to bury in my handbag just in case I need it. 

I am not sure why there is such a difference in our attitudes to mobile phones, Robbie says that it is because I am old, but I am not so sure, perhaps I am just not as sad as Robbie! I have always seen phones a tool to use when I choose to and I refuse to let the phone rule my life. If someone rings and I don't answer they either know me well enough to contact me some other way or they can wait until I am not busy. 


Sometimes if Robbie rings me on the house phone and it is engaged, he will ring me on the mobile, that annoys me so much. I may have two ears but I only have one mouth, I can't talk to two people at once, so why can't he call back later? I hate having my life ruled by the phone. I am sure there is some hidden connection between my phone and the bathroom door. as soon as I get in there the phone rings and I have to dash downstairs to answer it - and it is almost always Robbie!!

In 1972 Bill DeWitt wrote "The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875. In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone." That sounds like luxury to me. 


Despite my feelings about phones, I have to admit that I have a great sentimental attachment to my mobile phone. It is old now (bought in 2002 in fact) but it has been a very good phone and I didn't see the need to replace it while it was still working. It has been the cause of considerable teasing, and it is known by most of my friends as 'the brick' but I have never been that bothered about what other people think. Now it has gone silent, even when the ringtone is on the loud setting it just gives a faint buzz. It has been like that for months and it doesn't cause me any problems, but it drives Robbie mad and putting up with Robbie in evil troll mode is not fun. So perhaps it is time to admit that my phone has seen better days. I will be sad to say goodbye, there are a lot of precious memories associated with that phone.

The Pony Express?

A couple of days ago Robbie told me about a man who attempted to board a train with his Pony in Wrexham. I didn't believe him at first, but he pointed to a YouTube clip showing the man with his little grey pony on the platform waiting for the train. The pony seemed very good natured, it did not show any outward signs of fear. Apparently the man even took the pony in the lift to get to the platform. The train operating company Arriva Trains Wales released CCTV pictures of the pony in the lift and on the platform.


Robbie was horrified and he patiently explained that with the exception of dogs animals must be conveyed in a fully enclosed basket or pet carrier no larger than 85cm x 60cm x 60cm. Personally I would rather travel with that pony near me than with a tarantula or a snake in a pet carrier. A spokeswoman for Arriva Trains Wales said "Large animals, including horses and ponies, which may pose a risk to the general public, are not permitted to travel." I am not suggesting that horses and ponies should travel with people on already overcrowded trains. But if they are trying to prevent risk to the travelling public they perhaps need to have another look at their rules. I would rather travel with ten horses than ten football fans and I would prefer a whole train full of horses to one annoying drunk. After all horses don't spend hours on mobile phones telling the world in general that they are on a train and they don't feel the need to terrorise their fellow passengers with their music. 


Apparently the man wanted to board the train with his pony because he wanted to take it to hospital. Perhaps he is a bit eccentric, but judging by the pictures that little pony seemed calm and not at all distressed by it's adventure. 

Loud and Impossible to Ignore

On Friday evening I collected my daughter from university, she was finally home after a trip to USA. She is a Geography student and the trip to SW USA was an important part of her course. Her flight home had been delayed by five hours so I expected her to be tired and jet lagged, she wasn't, she was very talkative. 


She had seen some amazing places but for the first hour or so all she could talk about was how much she disliked the food. This surprised me as I had assumed that they would have the same sort of food as we do in UK, but apparently that is not the case. She was appalled that they have doughnuts for breakfast, she said that everything was far too sweet and the portion sizes were ridiculously large. She said that everywhere seemed to smell of peanut butter and it made her feel ill, I think she may have been exaggerating because I can't imaginine anyone wanting to eat peanut butter on a regular basis. I think she may have seen peanut butter here but we don't have it at home. I quite like it but she doesn't like nuts so I am not surprised that she was put off by the smell. I asked if they still have Root Beer in USA, back in dim distant past they used to have root beer at Mc Donalds and I loved it. As far as I was concerned it was the only nice thing at Mc Donalds, but it was probably very bad for me - it seems that everything that I like is bad for me! She didn't know anything about Root Beer, but she told me that Mountain Dew is different in USA, it is high caffeine here but apparently they can't put as many additives in it here as they do in USA.  


My daughter said that fuel was really cheap (I wish it was here) but she went on to say that apples were very expensive. I am not sure why apples and fuel popped up in the same sentence, but who knows what goes on in the brain of a 19 year old! I can't think why apples would be expensive but that is what she said. Anyway I must stop obsessing about food, but in the interest of fairness I should point out that within a couple of days she was longing for some of the things she had eaten in USA. Young people are so fickle!

Being a typical young woman she found time for a bit of a spending spree. She bought herself some lovely clothes and a new ipod, and knowing Robbie's passion for PJs (or as he says 'lounge-wear') she bought him a pair of PJ bottoms, he loves them because they are loud and hard to ignore - just like him. They have M&Ms in various colours all over them, to say they are brightly coloured is an understatement - they are scarily loud. I didn't think the blog was ready for another picture of Robbie in his PJs but you can see the pattern in this picture. I think Robbie was rather touched that she knows him well enough to make such a perfect choice.