Missing, Presumed .........................

Robbie is in the dog house again, he went missing this evening, he didn't come home and I had no contact at all until 11pm when he rang to arrange a lift for just after midnight. Someone has a bit of explaining to do, I was so worried, I thought he had fallen under a train or something!

Porn?

Robbie hasn't exactly covered himself in glory this week and after yet another man stress he was sitting at the table talking to himself . I couldn't see exactly what he was doing because his laptop was blocking my view, but he seemed to be looking at a magazine. His lips move when he reads and being Robbie when his lips move noise comes out. Usually I ignore the constant muttering but my ears pricked up when I heard him mention "master and slave" then moments later I clearly heard the word "hump". I jumped up and demanded to know what sort of filth he was reading. With a huge grin he held up the Hornby magazine, he had been reading about hump shunting at Tinsley! He made me look at lots of pictures and he explained the whole process in meticulous detail - twice!

How Did This Become My Job?

I have written before about Robbie's selection of alarm clocks, each one set for a slightly different time. The theory is that if one alarm doesn't wake him the next one will, the reality is that none of them wake him up. They wake me up, they probably wake my neighbours up but Robbie slumbers on! Each time I silence an alarm I wake him up, he responds, he even speaks to me, sometimes he tells me in no uncertain terms to go away, often he agrees that he needs to get up but before he has even finished his sentence he is snoring again! It isn't good for my blood pressure, I end up wanting to scream at him, in fact I think I will have to design an alarm clock that administers an electric shock, maybe that will get him out of bed without all this fuss!

An Up and Down Weekend

It has been an up and down sort of weekend. We had quite a nice Friday, Robbie managed to get home from work on time and we went to the supermarket to do some shopping. We rarely have a chance to do the shopping together and it is nice to have help even if he is totally possessive about pushing the trolley and downright impossible about the order in which it is placed on the conveyor belt at the checkout. It makes it impossible to pack the bags, but I managed to ignore his odd little ways this time.

On Saturday afternoon he was harder to ignore. He danced with rage and frustration and he spoke louder and faster until his voice became so high that only dogs could hear him. The cause of his frustration was the washing liquid! I had changed the brand without consulting him and the bottle now had a yellow top instead of a green one. He said that his main objection was that it was sticky but since every other word of his tirade involved the colour, I think he mainly objected to the colour and shape of the bottle. I wish I'd had a video camera, you would not believe what strong emotions a bottle of washing liquid can provoke.

On Sunday morning I thought I would have to give up my beloved Radio 4 as it was having a corrupting effect on Robbie. I was in the bedroom working on my laptop and listening to Desert Island Discs on the radio when Robbie came in and stood on the bed to get one of his railway books from the top shelf of the bookcase. I was only half listening to the radio, but some punk rock music was playing and Robbie, still standing on the bed, began dancing to it. It was seriously alarming because he was stark naked – it must have terrified the neighbours!

In the afternoon things went down hill, I am very cross with him for humiliating me in front of other people, a joke is one thing but unkindness is a step too far; I would never treat him like that.

Wide Awake or Sleep Walking.

Robbie went to see Speech Debelle in London on Wednesday so I had a quiet evening without him. I knew he would be very late home, so when I had finished my work I went off to bed to listen to the radio and before long I was sound asleep. The next thing I recall was a familiar thunderous sound, Robbie was galloping up the stairs and as usual he was talking to himself. He bounced into the bedroom bursting to tell me all about his evening, he sat down heavily on the bed and embarked on a detailed account of his evening. I glanced at the clock, it was 1.24am, no wonder I could hardly keep my eyes open!

Thursday evening was very different, Noddy was sitting at the table with his laptop as usual and I was determined that he would stay awake and talk to me. He did make an effort for half an hour or so, he even managed a few complete sentences, but before long he was back to the same old Robbie. I saw out of the corner of my eye that the table and everything on it was vibrating noticeably. A closer look revealed Robbie, headphones clamped to his ears doing a very convincing impression of the nodding dog from the Churchill advert. Clearly he was listening to some of his more extreme music. Before long the localised earthquake subsided and Noddy had nodded off again, head against the wall, mouth open like a stranded fish. I was very tempted to leave him parked there when I went to bed, but with a combination of threats and dogged persistence I got him on to his feet and then to bed.

Obsession

I am sure if you chopped Robbie up he would have the words Cross Country written right through him like a stick of rock. It is the routes rather than the company itself that he loves so much, he puts his heart and soul into his work, but being Robbie he never knows when to stop.
I got home yesterday evening to find him sitting in his corner tapping away on his computer and talking to himself - nothing new there! He had brought his work home (again). He did manage to say hello, he even made me a cup of tea, but in terms of conversations I had to be satisfied with a few grunts and assorted expletives aimed at the world in general because he was having difficulty getting a route to work.

I gave up on him, after millions of years of evolution it seems a bit of a betrayal to settle for a series of grunts so I retreated to the internet in search of friends who had mastered the art of speaking in complete sentences! Before long Robbie had dozed off with his head against the wall, I tried to wake him a few times but I couldn't get any sense out of him. I was just getting ready to go to bed when Robbie started rambling in his sleep about Tyseley, something to do with a route not working. I made one last attempt to wake him up but he announced that he had to stay and bid for a path, I realised that he wasn't really awake because he then started rambling about a train driving down Church Road. It was all nonsense, but I couldn't move him so I left him parked in the corner and went to bed.

I know he loves his work, but if Cross Country really want to own him body and soul, they can find a corner for him to roost in at night. He is no good to me in that state and he makes the lounge look untidy!!

Blackout

I arrived home from work last night to find the house in darkness and Robbie was conspicuous by his absence. Sam informed me that a fuse had blown and the ligts were not working, he seemed happy enough as he still had his laptop and the television. Before I could discuss the things in more detail Sam informed me that Robbie was late (yet again) and I was supposed to be picking him up from the station. I went straight back out and headed back in the direction of work to pick Robbie up - the neighbours must think I am mad!

Thankfully Robbie does have his uses. Light was restored within five minutes of being home. I think the problem was caused by a faulty light bulb. We have a light fitting in the lounge that takes three small bulbs, we have had a couple of faulty bulbs lately but this time the glass part of the bulb came away from the the metal fitting. Thankfully it only fused the lights, the glass could easily have fallen and hurt someone.

Big Kid

Robbie had a horrible week at work last week, I tried my best to be understanding and supportive, but as he was very late getting home most nights, and fast asleep within minutes of sitting down, I wasn't much help. In fact, I was feeling rather neglected, so I was looking forward to spending some time together at the weekend. We didn't get off to a very good start, Robbie arrived home in a rather belligerent mood and having exhausted the options of falling out with his own shadow he picked an argument with me instead. He informed me that he was missing out on a really good rail tour because of me. Not surprisingly this got a reaction, I wasn't holding a gun to his head, but I would have been hurt if he had chosen to be away for our wedding anniversary on Sunday.He managed about two words on Friday evening ('railway' and 'train') and he sat in the corner dozing with his headphones clamped to his ears. As my Grandma would have said, he was neither use nor ornament! When he gets into that sort of mood it is hard for him to find a way back and Saturday plodded on in much the same way.

There was a brief respite when he came to Toys R Us with me to buy a little ride on train for my nephew. He went to look at the Hornby trains, he thought I didn't notice him looking at the Tonka toys and I wish I hadn't noticed him playing with the talking Teletubbie toys - how embarrassing! He saw and wanted a remote controlled R2D2, he is worse than a kid sometimes!We had quite a nice Sunday together except when we went to my mum's and he sulked because I built the ride on train instead of letting Robbie do it. He was especially peeved that I put the stickers on because he wanted to do it - apparently his obsession with trains extends to little ride on trains intended for toddlers!

Why Would He Do That?

You will never guess what Robbie has done now! I was tidying up the other day when I came across one of his unauthorised purchases. I thought that after so long I was unshockable as far as Robbie was concerned, but my discovery left me speechless. There was just one question bouncing around in my head - WHY? Why would anyone buy something like that? HE had bought a new pair of Converse shoes, but they are unlike any shoes I have ever seen - they are see through!! Unfortunately I can imagine how ridiculous they will look with Robbie's impossibly loud socks on display to the world. Why on earth would a man with one foot significantly bigger than the other choose to wear see through shoes. I asked him about it, but all he said was "they're iconic!" I give up, but if he thinks he is going to wear them outside the house, I am certain about one thing - I will not be with him!

Surely Not!

I am getting seriously worried about Robbie, in fact I'm expecting the men in white coats any day now! The other day he told me about a new group that he had found out about, I wasn't taking too much notice until he mentioned the name of the group - The Pylon Appreciation Society! At first I thought I had misheard, but no he really did say 'Pylon'. I was incredulous, I though he was joking, I just couldn't believe that anyone could be interested in pylons! In the end Robbie printed out the details for me. He assured me that lots of people are fascinated by pylons, in fact he claims to know several pylon spotters I wonder why that doesn't surprise me! He even told me about a really good book about Pylons - I can't cope with more books. I gave him a serious warning - if he decides to to take up pylon spotting I will consider it grounds for divorce!!