Squeaky Clean

Several people seem to have enjoyed reading about Sam's exploits so here are some extracts from my 2004 journal when Sam was 9.

There was a funny little episode last week with Sam. A couple of days before he went to his first sleepover he said he absolutely had to have some deodorant – Sure for Men Sensitive to be exact. I got him some deodorant, but then he asked for FCUK pre shave face wash. I pointed out that he doesn't shave but he said "it says pre shave, and I will shave one day so it is ideal for me". He went to the sleepover with his grown up toiletries and his new leather jacket looking really cool. A couple of days after he got back I asked him if his mates had been impressed by his grown up stuff. He gave me a long stare, then in a very serious voice he said "you spoiled the effect mum, you packed my Buzz Lightyear pyjamas!"

On Tuesday Sam came home from school and told me they had had the `men's talk' at school. I asked what it was about and he shrugged and said "sweat mainly". I was a little surprised, but at that point I didn't realise the full implications. Sam announced later that from now on he had to shower daily; I tried to point out that his bed time bath was just as good, but I don't have the same authority as his teacher. His teacher said shower, so shower it must be, he said morning so our entire morning routine was thrown into chaos. Worse of all he apparently told them to get up early, so Sam who takes everything literally, set his alarm for 5am. When his alarm went off he was too sleepy to get up so he put the clock on snooze and we were serenaded every five minutes until quarter to seven! He then monopolised the bathroom causing his sisters to become frantic. When he eventually emerged he had used so much deodorant that the rest of us required breathing apparatus to use the bathroom! I can't cope with many mornings like this morning.

After two disastrous days with the new `super clean' Sam we were all exhausted. I was finding it impossible to control his excessive use of deodorant and it was clearly numbing his sense of smell. The last straw came on Thursday morning when having already rendered thebathroom out of bounds by excessive use of deodorant spray; he decided that his teacher may not notice it. I think the fact that having Sam near you literally took your breath away would have been sufficient proof, but Sam had to go one step further. When he was fully dressed he went back for one more spray of deodorant, the inevitable happened and his blue school sweatshirt suddenly had white patches. This led to a last minute mad rush to change his top and he ended up forgetting his homework. That afternoon when I collected Sam from school I asked his teacher to have a word with him, that did the trick and now we are back to bed time baths or showers. He now has a very expensive `Boss' deodorant stick and has been told that it is very special so he has to make it last. It is working OK so far, but Emily has pointed out an alarming rise in Sam's consumption of mouthwash, so there may still be some issues to resolve!

What a day? Just when we had the shower situation under control, Sam had another PHSE lesson – this time they talked about shaving! I am well aware that there is a bit of a family obsession about shaving so I got his teacher to tell me what had been said to make absolutely sure that Sam didn't go away with any crazy ideas. They had talked about how and why aftershave should be used and when they may need to start shaving. All seemed to be well until Sam went upstairs to get ready to go to his school disco. He had got an electric razor out and for reasons best known to him he had shaved off part of his left eyebrow. This has left him with a rather quizzical look. What was even more noticeable was the overwhelming smell of Boss aftershave; I think he must have bathed in it. I could hardly breathe when I gave him a lift to the disco I don't know how they coped with him all evening!

Sam has returned to his former routine of having a bath in the evening, but all is not well. Yesterday the girls reported that he had left the bathroom in a terrible state, so I went up to investigate. I found a company of action men in various stages of undress sitting around the edge of the bath guarding some black objects still in the bath. On closer inspection I found that these were Playmobil people wrapped in black electrical tape with little gaps for their eyes and mouths. I liberated the hostages and confined the action men to barracks in Sam's toy cupboard. I couldn't help thinking that Sam could probably keep a psychiatrist in work for years! When I asked him about it this morning Sam said that spies had to know all about torture, he then quoted a great chunk of dialogue from a James Bond film (Goldfinger apparently!). It was all too complicated for me so I asked why the Playmobil people deserved to be tortured. Quick as a flash Sam said "for being boring, mainly". What am I going to do with him!!!