The John Wayne Walk

Poor Robbie, I feel so useless because I can't help him. He has a groin strain and he is in so much pain and I can't do anything to help him. He is walking around with a John Wayne gait looking as if he has lost his horse and groaning. He doesn't know how it happened, it just got worse in the course of a day. I even suggested a cold compress, but his eyes almost popped out of his head at the thought of it so I didn't mention it again. It must be serious because it is even affecting his appetite, hope he will be better soon.

A Bit Too Random

It has been nice but rather exhausting to have Robbie at home over Christmas, but over the last couple of days we have been able to take life a little more leisurely. It is wonderful not to have to get up at the crack of dawn it is a real luxury. The other day we were still in bed enjoying being close when Robbie suddenly sat up and said "sock bag". I thought I had misheard, but he went on to enquire exactly how to wash socks using a laundry bag. I explained, but I was rather sad that relaxing in bed with his wife only made him think of socks! It is a good thing that I am used to his random comments.

A New Toy

Robbie managed to get it right this year, I was delighted with my present from him (apparently the girls kept him on the right track). He bought me a usb thingy to scan photo negatives on to my computer and I have spent the last couple of evenings revisiting old photos and remembering old times. I now have photographic proof that Robbie is not the only member of the family with an obsession with trains!

I hope this photo doesn't give Robbie any ideas, I couldn't cope with him dressing like a deltic! I am guessing that the photo was taken about 12 years ago but I am not allowed to identify the person in the picture because at 15 he is too cool to admit to being a Thomas fan when he was younger. I think the photo below was taken at Peterborough, but after all this time my memory is a bit dodgy and it could be Pitsford. I do remember a very excited three year old running up to a somewhat rotund member of staff and asking if he was the Fat Controller!

A Family Christmas

We have had such a busy few days that we are both exhausted. We spent the day before Christmas Eve with my mum, stepfather, and my brother and his family, it was such a lovely day. My nephew is 20 months old now and he is so much fun, he was the centre of attention and he enjoyed making everyone laugh. We spent Christmas Eve at my mum's house, it is a family tradition to have steak and chips on Christmas Eve and it was wonderful. When I saw how much Robbie managed to put away I thought he would never walk again, but like the bumble bee he defies the laws of nature!

The evening of Christmas Eve was a mad rush of getting the house ready and the last leg of the wrapping up marathon. I seem to have been wrapping presents for weeks, why does it take so long to wrap everything up and such a short time to unwrap! On Christmas morning I think Sam broke the record for the fastest ever present opening and the girls were not far behind. Sam had a coat (the type he wanted), a graphics tablet, very expensive photography books (from his wish list), various DVD sets and a whole ocean of smellies - we will need breathing apparatus for months! The girls had GHDs, DVDs, books perfume and countless other things.

My mum and stepfather spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with us, the cooking was hard work but we all had a lovely time. Robbie behaved himself except for the little interlude on Boxing Day afternoon when he has a tantrum about somthing so trivial that I can't even remember it. He sat on the kitchen floor with his arms folded an his lip sticking out, he looked just like a toddler with an attack of the 'terrible twos'. We just closed the door on him and enjoyed a cup of tea while he regained control of his inner child. I have just remembered what caused the strop, it was because we wanted to make a cup of tea before we did the washing up and it messed up his routine!!

I have to make a bit of a confession, I bought Robbie two railway books because I wanted to read them! I knew that he wiould like them too. I scoured the town to find his favourite aftershave for him and I also bought him some other things, but I think he will write about that later.

Going Green

It was Sam's birthday on Sunday. He had a nice day doing the things that he wanted to do despite his bruised and painful face, the bruises have come out now and his face looks very colourful. He doesn't like it because it draws attention to him, but hopefully the bruises will not last too long.

Several weeks ago Sam provided me with a neatly typed list of items that would like for his birthday and Christmas. I was very impressed, the list was organised under different sub headings and it included clothes, cds, dvds and gadgets. If only his school work was that well presented!

One of the things that he wanted most of all was a pair of dark green Converse boots, it sounds simple enough but it proved very difficult to find any at a reasonable price. I finally found a pair for £35, it seems a lot to pay for a pair of canvas shoes, but he was delighted with them and he has worn them every day since he got them. He had lots of other things too including a shopping trip with his sisters and a large sum of money to spend on clothes. He chose some very nice things and he looks very good in them.

Poor old Sam, it can't be fun having a birthday and Christmas in the same week, I really should have planned it better.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

I haven't seen much of Robbie this weekend on Friday he allegedly got snowed in and had to stay overnight in Birmingham. I say allegedly because he went to the office Christmas celebration on Friday afternoon and evening so it may have been that he was conveniently marooned in Birmingham, so I had a peaceful night and just for once I was able to hang on to all the duvet! He came bouncing back on Saturday lunchtime, but he got his priorities all wrong the best way to get into my good books is to make me a cup of tea! He has a nasty bump on his knee, he fell over in the snow on Friday.

On Sunday morning he was off again on a secret mission (I'm not allowed to write about it on the blog) but he had my approval. I had to take him to the station, I can't believe they haven't gritted the car park it was like a skating rink, it is an accident waiting to happen! Anyway Robbie didn't get back until late in the evening, but he had a great time and surprise surprise he managed to stay upright all day!

Santa Claus Accused of Being a Bad Role Model

Santa Claus Accused of Being a Bad Role Model! Take a look at this it is unbelieveable.

Getting There

We woke this morning to find the world covered in snow, in fact it was still snowing very hard and it was very slippy under foot. Robbie was determined to get to work because it was their Christmas meal today and there was no way that a few inches of snow were going to get between him and his food! The likelihood of a bus turning up on time was almost non existent so I was pressed into action. While Robbie was trotting around the house in his underwear deciding what to wear, I was outside thawing the car out! Most of the roads had not been gritted so it was a very slow crawl and skid towards the station. In fact Robbie had to bale out before we got there because he thought it would be better if I didn't have to drive down the steep hill to the station. He got to work OK (there wasn't any snow there) and I haven't heard from him for ages so he must be having fun. We have had more snow during the day and it is snowing again now so I am not sure if he will manage to get home again!

How Could They Do That?

Sam will be 15 at the weekend, he has been looking forward to a shopping trip to town to buy clothes with his birthday money, but now it looks as if all that will have to be put on hold. Yesterday on his way home from school he was badly beaten up by three men aged about 18 or 19. They wanted his phone and they punched and kicked him between 15 and 20 times around his face and head. He was so upset and frightened that when he rang me I found it very hard to understand what had happened and where he was. Emily and I went straight out to find him but it took a while to locate him. He was in such a state that I took him straight to the surgery to be checked over by the doctor. His face was already badly swollen and very painful, and the inside of his mouth was badly cut, but the doctor hopes that no bones are broken. There is a possibility that his nose is broken and there is some concern about the damage to his right cheek, but nothing can be done about that for a couple of weeks until the swelling has gone down. The police came out to take a statement from him and they are sending someone out to photograph his injuries today. Poor old Sam, I really hope this doesn't spoil his Birthday and Christmas for him.

Too Hot to Handle

Having insisted on heat in the bedroom I looked forward to a comfortable night, but it was worse than before. I was so hot that I thought I was having a senior moment! I went into the bathroom and found that the radiator was so hot that anyone using the' facilities' risked burning their bits. Robbie had been twiddling with the timer and had somehow set the heating on constant and set the thermostat to tropical! He is like a man with a bag of spanners, he goes round sticking them in the works and I run along behind trying to restore order. We now have the timer set at the correct time and it is obediently coming on and going off at the times set. The thermostat is back to normal and sanity has been restored - until the next time!

The Big Freeze

Robbie often comes up with ideas and most of them are totally batty (I think he reserves his sensible thoughts for work) but his latest daft idea has really annoyed me. We have had a couple of occasions recently when he has struggled to get up on time. Any sensible person would tell him that if he stays up working on his timetables until 2am he will not be ready to wake up again at 5am! Robbie has given the matter a lot of thought and has come up with the idea that we are feeling tired because the bedroom is too hot, so without any discussion he turned the radiator off. We only have it on for a few hours morning and evening, but that is enough to take the chill off the room and make it comfortable. Without heat it is so cold that I can't get to sleep for ages and when I wake up in the morning it is so cold that I just want to turn over and go back to sleep. I have had a full and frank exchange of views with Robbie and until normal heating is resumed I am on strike!

Inconvenience

Robbie got home from his course last night, he was tired but he said he enjoyed the course. This morning he was keen to get to work, so I hardly had a chance to talk to him before he was gone. I looked forward to his usual phone call when he got tho Birmingham, but when it came he was more like Reginald Perrin than ever. There was no introduction, like hello or how are you he just launched into a frustrated tirade about the failings of London Midland. Apparently there were no working toilets on his train and by the time he got to Birmingham his need was so urgent that he had to sprint to the Gents! It may surprise him, but I really don't need a daily bulletin on the state of the train toilets!

What Goes Down Will Not Go Up!

It is surprisingly quiet here Robbie is away on a course and I am feeling abandoned, he forgot to ring me last night.

This morning when I took Sam to school he opened the back passenger window of the car, he attempted to put it up again and it wouldn't do anything. So I am stuck with a window like the Grand Old Duke of York - its neither up nor down! This had to happen on a wet day, so I have had to cover the window with some plastic. I hope it will decide to work later on.

I Hate Mondays!

Whoever started that saying 'one step forward and two steps back' must have been thinking of me! Yesterday turned into a disaster, Sam had problems at school, so he arrived home angry and upset. Then when he had settled down I headed off to work and as I was driving along a main road some fool in a great big car pulled out of a parking space right into the side of my car! He just pulled out without looking, I swerved but he kept on coming at me and hit the rear passenger door and the part behind that door. I think he was on the phone. It left me really shaken up, and cross because it really didn't need to happen. I have spent most of this morning sorting out the insurance and the repair. I really could do without this aggravation at the moment. At this rate I don't think I have any chance of having everything ready in time for Christmas.

Grounds for Divorce!

I'm finally starting to feel better after the swine flu jab, it made me feel really rough, but I expect it is a lot better to have the jab than to risk getting swine flu. I really need to get organised now, I still have so much to do before Christmas and it seems as if the days are just rushing past. I have Sam's birthday to think about too, poor Sam, it is no fun having your birthday and Christmas in the same week. I asked him for ideas about what presents he would like and he presented me with a neatly typed page of A4 paper with his wish list neatly divided into categories - if only he put that much effort into his homework! So now I know what he wants, but I will need a second mortgage to afford it all! Robbie's wish list is truly scary among other things he wants some Dr Marten boots with union jack toe caps - no way! I put up with him wearing bright colours and lurid patterns but the union jack toe caps are a step to far, it would be grounds for divorce! He will have to settle for something a little more sober, after all he is not far off 40, it's time he grew up!

A Pain in the Arm

I had my swine flu injection on Tuesday. I have the 'flu jab every year and it usually causes a very painful arm so I was expecting the swine flu injection to be much the same. As usual I got a hard red painful area on my arm but by Wednesday evening the pain was really bad and impossible to ignore, even painkillers don't seem to help. Now I feel as if I have 'flu too, I expect it will sort itself out in a day or two but I feel really rough, I hope it was worth having the jab.

Robbie took Sam to his first gig on Tuesday evening, they went to see Hadouken. They both had a very good time, but I think Sam found it a bit loud. Robbie wore his see through converse with yellow socks, words fail me, it looked horrible. Oh well I should be grateful, at least I didn't have to go with them!

Winter Woes

1st December dawned icy cold, one of those mornings when the prospect of getting out of bed seems unthinkable and the temptation to roll over and go back to sleep is hard to resist. I had the usual battle with the alarm clock and as usual it won, so by 5.40am I plodded downstairs ready to face the day. I'm not sure why I was surprised to find the car windows covered in a thick layer of ice, but I was; it was the first frosty morning this winter. My carefully timed morning routine had suffered a set back and the prospect of being late loomed large. The ice was soon cleared and I was on my way, but from now on I will need to allow time each morning to clear the windows. I hate winter!

A Big Mistake

I think I have mentioned before that I wear contact lenses but I often don't put them in until I need to go out. On Sunday morning I was in a bit of a hurry because I needed to pick Sam up from church and then we were all going to my mums for a belated birthday celebration for my step father. As often happens the time rushed past, I'd been busy writing an article, then suddenly I noticed the time and I had to rush to have my bath and get ready. I decided to wear my jeans, they are too big really but they are ideal for going to mum's because her dogs jump all over me. I got dressed and rushed downstairs, but when I put my boots on I noticed that I kept treading on the back of the trousers, they seemed to have grown in the wash. Closer inspection revealed my mistake - they were Robbie's jeans! As they say, more haste less speed.

Pants

A recent shopper survey by Debenhams revealed that there are only a few years of independence when young men take responsibility for choosing their own underwear. According to the survey teenagers rely on their mothers to buy their pants until around the age of 19 and by the time men reach age 36 they have delegated the task of buying their underwear to their wife or partner.

Robbie is 37 and he still buys his own pants, if I bought them he certainly wouldn't wear those dreadful striped ones that remind me of an old fashioned swimming outfit. I have to admit that I have influenced his choice. When we first met he wore boxers, but they looked horrible and they bunched up under his suit to make it look as if he was wearing a nappy. He got the message after I started calling him Gandhi, now he wears trunks, they look much nicer and he says they are far more comfortable. Sam is almost 15, he would like to be able to select his own underwear, but since the kind he likes are £10 per pair I am unwilling to pay for that. We have reached a compromise on price, but he chooses the style.

Sam is left handed, he is just like Robbie when it comes sharing random snippets of information. The other day he informed me that they now produce left handed underwear for men! He is right, they stock it at Debenhams. Boxer shorts have a centre opening but trunks and Y fronts usually have a right handed opening. The pants made by Horn do not have a vertical opening, instead they have a horizontal opening just below the waistband. The company claims that this could save a left handed man three seconds each time he visits the bathroom. It doesn’t sound much to me, but I guess it would add up over a lifetime!

Shopping for Men

Why is it so hard to buy presents for men? It is my step father's birthday today, and I really struggled to find a suitable present for him. In the end I bought his favourite aftershave and a book of old photos of our town and the surrounding villages. He loved the book so at least the effort to find the right thing was worthwhile. At least I don't have that problem with Robbie, he is very easy to buy for. I find the easiest thing is to stick with the train theme, there are lots of options, a ride on a train, a model train, a visit to look at trains, a book about trains, maps showing train routes, paintings of trains, train DVDs, train pictures, train jigsaws, in fact he even likes bits of old trains! In the unlikely event that I ran out of train related options there are other possibilities, Dr Martens, gadgets or anything that he can eat - he loves to eat!

The Cat Won

Robbie and the cat have a couple of things in common, they both love eating and they both think that they should have my undivided attention. The cat sits on the arm of the chair leaning against me and he becomes even more interested if I eat anything. Last night Robbie told him to go away because I was going to have something to eat. As usual the cat ignored him, so Robbie poked him and suddenly it turned into a jousting competition with the cat sitting on his hind legs waving his arm menacingly at Robbie and Robbie dancing around in his PJs as if he was having a sword fight. Needless to say, the cat won and Robbie retreated to his corner to seek solace on the Internet.

Tickets Please

There is a series on Radio 4 on Monday mornings called Tickets Please. It is about the dysfunctional on board staff who work for a train company and their even more dysfunctional passengers. It is a fictional company and it is a very funny series, but I can't help wondering what company it is based on. It can't be Cross Country because they do not have on board catering, but I can't help wondering if they could perhaps have taken their inspiration from Virgin? I had a look at the BBC Radio 4 web site they do have a picture of a train speeding through a station but I don't recognise the livery. I pondered on it for ages then I thought OMG I am turning into Robbie!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nv6nr

Trouble Afoot

I can't put it off any longer, I have to give serious consideration to buying Christmas presents. The girls are sorted now and most of the presents for the wider family have been bought, my main problems are Robbie and Sam. I made a big mistake in planning, Sam's birthday is on 20th December so that adds to my present buying problems, I have a few ideas but I am still not sure what he would like. Robbie knows exactly what he wants, but the thought terrifies me - he wants red tartan Dr Marten boots. What a vision, he would look like an ageing Bay City Roller! When I made it clear that there is no way that I am going to buy them, he suggested an alternative, Dr Martens with Union Jack toe caps - no way!! Why can't he just be normal?

A Narrow Escape

I guess it should be a day of celebration since we don't have to endure President Blair. I have seen quite enough of that grin to last several lifetimes! I didn't feel much like celebrating this morning, I had to go to the hairdressers this morning, I couldn't put it off any longer. I absolutely hate having my hair cut, I would rather go to the dentist, but at least it is over and done with for another few weeks.

Reginald Perrin Lives Again

Robbie is becoming more like Reginald Perrin, his morning call to me consists of a detailed account of his journey timed to the second. Paying particular attention to every minor failing and inconvenience. On the subject of convenience, he seems to have become obsessed with the state of the train toilets. A week or so ago he had a 'near death experience' when every toilet on the train was out of use, since then he has treated me to a detailed analysis on the number of available toilets and their rather dubious state of cleanliness. It wouldn't be so bad if he could choose a better time to talk about it, but it is a bit off putting when I am eating my meal. Oh well, he keeps telling me I am going deaf, so I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

Irony

I read in a newspaper article yesterday that Network Rail staff will have to travel to a staff conference by coach because it is too expensive to travel by train. So that must be why they disrupt services and force rail travellers on to replacement buses, it's cheaper. According to the Metro article the cost of all the staff attending the conference by coach would be £2400 compared to £27000 for rail travel. I don't put too much faith in those figures since the same article claims that that Coventry is in Berkshire! Anyway there is a certain kind of irony in Network Rail staff being forced on to coaches, I hope they are smelly old bone shakers like the ones that we get stuck with each time they mess up our rail services.

Man Stress

Robbie had promised that this weekend would be special after the disaster of last weekend. It started OK but by Saturday afternoon Robbie had a huge man stress. When I went to pick Sam up I stopped to buy myself a newspaper, I hardly ever buy a newspaper and earlier that day Robbie had told me that if I wanted one that I would have to buy it myself. It didn't cross my mind that Robbie would want a paper, it was past 6pm so if he'd wanted one he would have got one by then. When I got home he was furious, he didn't seem to understand that I don't work by telepathy! He got into such a stress that he decided that he was going to walk to the supermarket to buy a paper. I offered him a lift but he refused and insisted on walking, he said he didn't want a meal cooking for him. So I got on with cooking and the rest of us ate without Robbie. When he returned with his precious Guardian he was even more impossible and it took him all night to get over his man stress.

His recovery didn't last long we had a disagreement about the Looe Valley line and who changes the points when the train changes direction. He even rang a colleague to prove that he was right - he wasn't! He didn't say much but his lip jutted out the way it always does when he is in a strop. He decided to go out on Sunday afternoon and evening, I wasn't impressed. So much for having his undivided attention all weekend!

There was one bit of comedy value, during the weekend, when he got all dressed up to go to the supermarket in the rain he looked very much like Kenny from South Park, it made me want to laugh, I managed to keep a straigh face, but that vision will stay with me for quite a while!

Total Panic

I must have aged at least ten years last night. Sam went out to an event connected to his youth group, he left the house at about 5pm and everything seemed fine. He was getting a lift home with a friend and was due back at about 9pm but he didn't turn up. Robbie got increasingly worried and kept trying to call Sam, but he didn't answer his phone or reply to texts. Robbie rang me as soon as I left work, I was so worried, I tried to ring him but he didn't answer my calls either, so I drove around looking for him just in case he had wandered off after being dropped off. By nearly 11pm I was terrified, I went home to pick Robbie up so that we could go back and have another look at the church, it seemed to be in darkness but perhaps there was still someone there. I tried yet again to call Sam and this time he answered, he was on his way home, I was so relieved. He had turned his phone on to silent and lost track of the time, so he had no idea that we would be worried. His first question when he got home was "Am I grounded?"

After that episode we both needed a bit of time to unwind. Robbie sat in the corner with his headphones on listening to loud music on his laptop. I glanced across at him and almost burst out laughing, he was nodding his head and opening and closing his mouth he looked like a fish version of a nodding dog!

Ugly Boys

My arm feels as if someone has filled it with concrete, it is as heavy as lead and it really aches. I had my flu jab on Tuesday and I always get a bad local reaction to it so I know this is nothing to worry about, but I wish it would get better. By yesterday evening Robbie was feeling a little better, but he still has a bad headache. Laura was poorly yesterday with similar symptoms to Robbie, but Sam who had the bug a day before Robbie was better and able to return to school. So that just leaves me, I am hoping they will have kept their germs to themselves because I really don't want to get it.



I knew that Robbie was getting back to normal when at well after 1am when we were both in bed he started to talk about the Ugly Boys who had apparently just arrived in UK. I thought he was talking about one of the bands that he likes because they all seem to have wierd names, but as he warmed to his subject it became clear that he was talking about trains! Two engines (from USA I think) that are as ugly as sin have just arrived in UK. When he showed me a picture of them I could see what he meant, they are horrible, but at 1am I have better things to do than worry about the aesthetics of the railways!

Better in Health Than Temper?

Robbie was so poorly yesterday, I sent him straight back to bed and there he stayed until early afternoon. He just slept, he didn't even drink his coffee, he was red hot to touch but he said he was freezing. He did get up for a while in the afternoon, but he had the fire full on, it was like the tropical house at the zoo, but he was still cold. All he wanted to do was sleep so he crept back to bed. He insisted that he was well enough to go back to work today despite shivering all night. His usual early morning rush was more of an early morning plod, he dosed himself up and prepared to face the day. He claimed he was feeling better, but he was as miserable as sin and I think it was a real struggle for him to get back to normal this morning.

Rambling

When I got home last night Robbie was rambling on (and on, and on .........) about his train timetables and something or other that didn't work. It didn't seem like the end of the world to me, but judging by his fury, it mattered to him. I sometimes think when he goes to work they wind him up and watch him go, OK I know it is funny sometimes, but I really don't appreciate it when they send him home fully wound! I don't want him still rambling on about timetables at midnight!

Robbie is feeling really poorly this morning, I had to send him back to bed because he is feeling sick and he turned a lurid shade of green when he tried to get ready for work.

Keep on Digging

Robbie managed to wreck the weekend again, I don't think it is so unreasonable to look forward to spending a whole weekend with him, but one way or another it never happens. I was annoyed that he went out on Friday evening and I was asleep before he got home. True to form when he found himself in a hole he just kept on digging, it was like living wit Mr Angry. It took him until Sunday afternoon to apologise for being so impossible and by then the weekend was gone. I knew the old Robbie was back when in the evening we had one of his famous random remarks, he informed me that a certain type of sloth only needs to go to the toilet once every four days. My life is so much better for knowing that! The girls are almost as bad as Robbie, he went on to say that the sloth moves so slowly that moss grows on it. Emily then informed us that there are no green mammals, but Laura insisted that poorly people go green! I give up, I'm outnumbered!

The Friday Blues

From Monday to Thursday I see very little of Robbie, he leaves for work at an indecently early hour so we don't have much to say in the way of meaningful conversation. By the time I get home at about 10.30 Robbie is feeling sleepy, but if I am lucky he manages to stay awake for half an hour or so without nodding off. I look forward to Fridays because I only do my writing work on Fridays, I don't have to work in the evening so Robbie and I can eat together and enjoy a relaxed evening. Well that is the theory anyway, every week Robbie manages to wreck it one way or the other, either he goes out to play trains, works late or he finds some social event or other that he absolutely has to attend. Every time he promises that next week it will be different but every Friday is monotonously similar, Robbie is conspicuous by his absence and I have to rely on the cat for intelligent conversation, he's a lovely cat but he's not very talkative!

Stop Looking At Me

Robbie has become very odd about his early morning routine, in fact there is no routine. Sometimes he goes even earlier than his usual stupidly early start, but sometimes he goes slightly later. Robbie is a creature of habit so all this randomness is rather alarming. I discounted the possibility that he is conducting an early morning affair with a woman with disorganised travel habits. in fact if he had the stamina to manage that first thing in the morning he would deserve a medal. Anyway there are very few people around who could cope with Robbie's incessant babbling about the history of British swimming baths or other equally gripping trivia at any time of day, so it is unlikely that anyone would have the fortitude to endure it before 6am!

I couldn't work out what was going on so I had to confront him about it. After a bit of bluster he admitted that there was a problem - green trains! I can understand him not liking the colour, it is hideous, but I couldn't understand why they were disrupting his life. Apparently he is going to considerable lengths to avoid them because they have a different seating plan and he hates it because he can't have his usual seat, he thinks people look at him!

Heavy Hints

Robbie has been dropping heavy hints about what he wants for Christmas, I am not surprised by the heavy hints, his inner child is never very far from the surface, but I am surprised about what he wants. He has spotted yet more books that he absolutely has to have! I don't think there is room for even one extra book in this house, I am sure I will turn over in bed one night and find that I am cuddling a pile of books instead of a husband! This time it is not train books, topping his Christmas list is a pictorial history of swimming baths in Britain! I don't know why I am still surprised but his randomness, but why on earth would anyone want a book like that? The other book he mentioned was all about Morrissey, I don't know why he wants that either because he already knows everything there is to know about him - and he already bores me rigid on the subject!

Two Tone

I am short sighted, I wear contact lenses, but in the mornings I manage fine around the house without needing to see anything clearly. In fact it can be a benefit not to see things in detail, the lurid colours of Robbie's socks are too much to cope with early in the morning. If I have to drive to give someone a lift or whatever, I wear my glasses and then take them off again when I get back. That explains how I managed to let Robbie out of the house improperly dressed yesterday - when he got to work he found that he was wearing his black suit trousers and his charcoal grey suit jacket! I will have to do what I used to do with the children and check him over before I let him out of the house in the mornings.

Going Out to Play - Again!

Robbie wanted to go out to ride on trains at the weekend, I was not overjoyed to say the least. I told him that he had responsibilities at home because we had loads of things to do around the house. He begged me to let him go, he offered me his body and when I wasn't tempted by that offer he promised to do a whole range of jobs on Sunday if I let him out on Saturday. I was still unimpressed but he went on his little jaunt anyway and he arrived back on Saturday evening. As for the jobs he promised to do, they are still there, still waiting for Robbie notice them! And the offer of his body, I don't know what he thought I could do with it, every time I looked at him he was fast asleep. I guess I could use him as a doorstop but he would be a bit of a trip hazard!

The End of an Era

A voice has gone out of my life and he will be greatly missed. Norman Painting who played Phil Archer in the Archers radio series died yesterday. He had Phil since the trial run of the series in 1950 and he has a place in the Guinness Book of Records for having played the same character without a break since 1951 when the series started. I have been a fan of The Archers since I was nine, the characters are as familiar to me as the voices of my own family. Norman Painting in his role as Phil will be sadly missed by me and countless other Archers fans.

Torture!

I had to have a fasting blood test this morning so from 6pm last night I couldn't eat anything. I had a late lunch so going without food wasn't too much of a problem, but I longed for a cup of tea. On my way home from work I congratulated myself on not feeling hungry, but when I got home Robbie had a meal ready for me and a nice cup of tea was waiting ready for me to drink. It was so hard to resist that cup of tea, and watching Robbie eat the meal intended for me made me feel very sorry for myself. Never mind, it is all over now, I went to the doctors this morning, they took my blood and I came straight home for the long overdue cup of tea.

Why?

It is half term this week so Sam came out with me to do a couple of errands. I am fairly used to him wanting random things when we are out shopping but yesterday he he took randomness to a whole new dimension. First he fell in love with a set of Chinese bowls and chopsticks, he really wanted to buy it, but I refused. Sam is the only person in the family who can use chopsticks proficiently and he already has various different kinds. Maybe I should have let him have that set because worse was to come. A John Lennon style pair of sunglasses slipped themselves into the basket without me noticing, clearly he hasn't noticed it's almost winter! Then he absolutely had to buy two old books; the first was crammed with random facts that according to the title every boy should know, the second book was an English - Mandarin Chinese dictionary. Not for the first time I found myself asking why? Once armed with his new books he read random words from the dictionary to me, he found it very entertaining but it didn't mean much to me. He then bombarded me with facts from his other book, I have managed all these years without needing to know about all that obscure trivia so I think maybe I will survive without needing to commit it to memory!

A Kid in a Toy Shop!

We went to Toy R Us on Friday evening. Robbie was a bit subdued because he was worried about his friend who is ill, but it didn't take long before he was like a kid in a toy shop, in his case a very big kid! They now have a Lego themed feature wall with giant sized Lego men looking down on the shoppers. Robbie loves Lego and I was sure he would spot the digital camera made to look as if it was built from Lego bricks and the light that is like a pile of Lego bricks. He had passed the feature wall before he brightened up so he missed them, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if they find their way on to his Christmas list.

The real purpose of the visit was to buy Christmas and birthday presents for my nephew and niece rather than to provide a distraction for Robbie. Emily had come with us to help us to choose suitable gifts, it is surprising how soon you forget what sort of things interest suit a particular age group when your own children are well past that stage. Jack is four and the sort of child who never sits still, he loves cars but he has so many that choosing something that he didn't already have was almost impossible. There was a fire engine set with lots of accessories, it made three different siren noises, Jack would have loved it but my sister in law would never have forgiven me! Emily Led me to the back wall with a huge display of Playmobil, she eagerly pointed out all the sets that she used to have and declared that Playmobil was the best toy ever. After long discussion we decided on two different Playmobil sets, one for his birthday and one for for Christmas.

We noticed that we had mislaid Robbie somewhere in the store. He wasn't hard to find because he was wearing one of his more vivid tops. He had strayed to the other end of the back wall where every kind of Lego filled the shelves. A Lego Technic set had caught his attention and he was very reluctant to be dragged away. We didn't manage to drag him very far, he dug his heels in as we passed the Hornby section and we left him there while we went off to choose a present for a very bright and sophisticated nine year old. It proved very hard to choose, but Emily reminded me of how much she and Laura loved the kits that enabled them to make lotions and potions, soap making was a special favourite. I will not say exactly what we chose, but it was something along those lines.

Robbie was reluctant to leave, he had to check out the multi media section, then when I thought I would grow old waiting for him he went to look at bikes. The thought of Robbie on a bike fills me with horror, some people are not designed to wear lycra!!

Mr Tickle

I wish Robbie would stay awake! He made a big effort last night, but then at about 10pm he fell asleep with his head on his computer keyboard. I did my very best to send him to bed, but it really is like moving a mountain and he is not to pleasant when he is woken up. In the end I had to give up and leave him there, maybe I should just throw a dust sheet over him at night! He must have made it to bed in the end because he was there this morning.

He is coming shopping with me to buy toys this evening. I still have vivid memories of the last time I took him to Toys R Us when he molested Mr Tickle, I thought he was going to get himself arrested. Hopefully he will restrict himself to drooling over Hornby models and reminiscing about Tonka toys. The point of the shopping trip is not to provide therapy for Robbie, I need to buy Christmas presents for my niece aged 9 and my nephew who is 4. I find it hard to know what to buy because they don't live near us and it is hard to keep up with the things they like and the things they already have.

I am not looking forward to the clocks going back an hour at the weekend. I hate it when it gets dark so early in the evening, but at least the extra hour in bed will be nice.

A Scary Start!

I am starting to think that I am better off when Robbie is half asleep. He was a bit more lively this morning and he managed to get up without too much trouble. I thought that we would have an easier morning, but it turned out rather differently. First he scared me half to death by galloping around the house looking for his favourite knickers. Then he told me in far to much detail why that pair provide just the right amount of comfort and support and how the other pairs let him down in various ways!

Just when I had started to relax he ambushed me with a complicated explanation about a formula to calculate the chances of meeting a string of red lights if you have already been stopped at a red light. If he carries on like this he will send me to sleep!

A Wake Up Call

I am getting really concerned about Robbie, he is so tired. He exhausted himself yesterday evening by having a full scale tantrum about a missing pair of socks (I am not convinced they are missing at all), then afterwards he sat down and fell asleep. I couldn't wake him up and he was leaning off his chair at such a precarious angle this morning that I was afraid he would end up in a heap on the floor. I couldn't get him to wake up this morning, this problem has now reached ridiculous proportions, he has to get it sorted out. I have told him that from now on getting up in the morning and going to bed at night is his problem, I don't see why I should have to put up with his nastiness when I try to wake him up! If his work want him body and soul, they better park him in the office over night, because he is neither use nor ornament at home. He is like the dormouse at the mad hatters tea party, occasionally he pops his head up and says something totally irrelevant then he is asleep again before he finishes his sentence.

Oh Mr Porter What Shall I Do ...............

Robbie had been out playing trains, but I was expecting him back at around 5pm. The possibility of him getting lost didn't cross my mind because it was the inaugural outing of his high visibility coat, so he would have been impossible to lose. I phoned him at about 4pm and there was no reply, and he maintained telephone silence from then on. By 8pm I was seriously worried, but I still couldn't contact him, then at about 8.30pm he phoned sounding more than a little embarrassed. He had fallen asleep on the train on the way back from the south west, he missed his stop at Birmingham and ended up in the deep north! It could only happen to Robbie!

A Pain in the Leg.

When I picked Robbie up from the station just after midnight, I could tell straight away that his legs must be hurting because he was walking very badly. He has been to loads of meetings recently, staying late at work then doing more work at home, I think sitting too long in the wrong sort of chairs is part of the problem. He insisted that he was OK and he chattered incessantly about trains and work so I couldn't get a word in about legs or anything else. He thinks that if he insists that everything is alright, it really will be alright, but deep down he knows he is lying to himself.

Needless to say I was tired by the time we got home and I went to bed leaving Robbie to potter around downstairs. He woke me when he came to bed because he was making a lot of groaning noises, but I didn't take too much notice and I went straight back to sleep. We had a dreadful night, it was like Kenny Everett meets Frankie Howerd, his legs were waving around as if they were possessed and there was a sound track of Ooohs, Ahhs and a crescendo of swear words. We were both exhausted this morning, I begged him to go to the doctors and to my surprise he agreed. They can't do much, but at least they can give him something stronger to deal with the pain.

Missing, Presumed .........................

Robbie is in the dog house again, he went missing this evening, he didn't come home and I had no contact at all until 11pm when he rang to arrange a lift for just after midnight. Someone has a bit of explaining to do, I was so worried, I thought he had fallen under a train or something!

Porn?

Robbie hasn't exactly covered himself in glory this week and after yet another man stress he was sitting at the table talking to himself . I couldn't see exactly what he was doing because his laptop was blocking my view, but he seemed to be looking at a magazine. His lips move when he reads and being Robbie when his lips move noise comes out. Usually I ignore the constant muttering but my ears pricked up when I heard him mention "master and slave" then moments later I clearly heard the word "hump". I jumped up and demanded to know what sort of filth he was reading. With a huge grin he held up the Hornby magazine, he had been reading about hump shunting at Tinsley! He made me look at lots of pictures and he explained the whole process in meticulous detail - twice!

How Did This Become My Job?

I have written before about Robbie's selection of alarm clocks, each one set for a slightly different time. The theory is that if one alarm doesn't wake him the next one will, the reality is that none of them wake him up. They wake me up, they probably wake my neighbours up but Robbie slumbers on! Each time I silence an alarm I wake him up, he responds, he even speaks to me, sometimes he tells me in no uncertain terms to go away, often he agrees that he needs to get up but before he has even finished his sentence he is snoring again! It isn't good for my blood pressure, I end up wanting to scream at him, in fact I think I will have to design an alarm clock that administers an electric shock, maybe that will get him out of bed without all this fuss!

An Up and Down Weekend

It has been an up and down sort of weekend. We had quite a nice Friday, Robbie managed to get home from work on time and we went to the supermarket to do some shopping. We rarely have a chance to do the shopping together and it is nice to have help even if he is totally possessive about pushing the trolley and downright impossible about the order in which it is placed on the conveyor belt at the checkout. It makes it impossible to pack the bags, but I managed to ignore his odd little ways this time.

On Saturday afternoon he was harder to ignore. He danced with rage and frustration and he spoke louder and faster until his voice became so high that only dogs could hear him. The cause of his frustration was the washing liquid! I had changed the brand without consulting him and the bottle now had a yellow top instead of a green one. He said that his main objection was that it was sticky but since every other word of his tirade involved the colour, I think he mainly objected to the colour and shape of the bottle. I wish I'd had a video camera, you would not believe what strong emotions a bottle of washing liquid can provoke.

On Sunday morning I thought I would have to give up my beloved Radio 4 as it was having a corrupting effect on Robbie. I was in the bedroom working on my laptop and listening to Desert Island Discs on the radio when Robbie came in and stood on the bed to get one of his railway books from the top shelf of the bookcase. I was only half listening to the radio, but some punk rock music was playing and Robbie, still standing on the bed, began dancing to it. It was seriously alarming because he was stark naked – it must have terrified the neighbours!

In the afternoon things went down hill, I am very cross with him for humiliating me in front of other people, a joke is one thing but unkindness is a step too far; I would never treat him like that.

Wide Awake or Sleep Walking.

Robbie went to see Speech Debelle in London on Wednesday so I had a quiet evening without him. I knew he would be very late home, so when I had finished my work I went off to bed to listen to the radio and before long I was sound asleep. The next thing I recall was a familiar thunderous sound, Robbie was galloping up the stairs and as usual he was talking to himself. He bounced into the bedroom bursting to tell me all about his evening, he sat down heavily on the bed and embarked on a detailed account of his evening. I glanced at the clock, it was 1.24am, no wonder I could hardly keep my eyes open!

Thursday evening was very different, Noddy was sitting at the table with his laptop as usual and I was determined that he would stay awake and talk to me. He did make an effort for half an hour or so, he even managed a few complete sentences, but before long he was back to the same old Robbie. I saw out of the corner of my eye that the table and everything on it was vibrating noticeably. A closer look revealed Robbie, headphones clamped to his ears doing a very convincing impression of the nodding dog from the Churchill advert. Clearly he was listening to some of his more extreme music. Before long the localised earthquake subsided and Noddy had nodded off again, head against the wall, mouth open like a stranded fish. I was very tempted to leave him parked there when I went to bed, but with a combination of threats and dogged persistence I got him on to his feet and then to bed.

Obsession

I am sure if you chopped Robbie up he would have the words Cross Country written right through him like a stick of rock. It is the routes rather than the company itself that he loves so much, he puts his heart and soul into his work, but being Robbie he never knows when to stop.
I got home yesterday evening to find him sitting in his corner tapping away on his computer and talking to himself - nothing new there! He had brought his work home (again). He did manage to say hello, he even made me a cup of tea, but in terms of conversations I had to be satisfied with a few grunts and assorted expletives aimed at the world in general because he was having difficulty getting a route to work.

I gave up on him, after millions of years of evolution it seems a bit of a betrayal to settle for a series of grunts so I retreated to the internet in search of friends who had mastered the art of speaking in complete sentences! Before long Robbie had dozed off with his head against the wall, I tried to wake him a few times but I couldn't get any sense out of him. I was just getting ready to go to bed when Robbie started rambling in his sleep about Tyseley, something to do with a route not working. I made one last attempt to wake him up but he announced that he had to stay and bid for a path, I realised that he wasn't really awake because he then started rambling about a train driving down Church Road. It was all nonsense, but I couldn't move him so I left him parked in the corner and went to bed.

I know he loves his work, but if Cross Country really want to own him body and soul, they can find a corner for him to roost in at night. He is no good to me in that state and he makes the lounge look untidy!!

Blackout

I arrived home from work last night to find the house in darkness and Robbie was conspicuous by his absence. Sam informed me that a fuse had blown and the ligts were not working, he seemed happy enough as he still had his laptop and the television. Before I could discuss the things in more detail Sam informed me that Robbie was late (yet again) and I was supposed to be picking him up from the station. I went straight back out and headed back in the direction of work to pick Robbie up - the neighbours must think I am mad!

Thankfully Robbie does have his uses. Light was restored within five minutes of being home. I think the problem was caused by a faulty light bulb. We have a light fitting in the lounge that takes three small bulbs, we have had a couple of faulty bulbs lately but this time the glass part of the bulb came away from the the metal fitting. Thankfully it only fused the lights, the glass could easily have fallen and hurt someone.

Big Kid

Robbie had a horrible week at work last week, I tried my best to be understanding and supportive, but as he was very late getting home most nights, and fast asleep within minutes of sitting down, I wasn't much help. In fact, I was feeling rather neglected, so I was looking forward to spending some time together at the weekend. We didn't get off to a very good start, Robbie arrived home in a rather belligerent mood and having exhausted the options of falling out with his own shadow he picked an argument with me instead. He informed me that he was missing out on a really good rail tour because of me. Not surprisingly this got a reaction, I wasn't holding a gun to his head, but I would have been hurt if he had chosen to be away for our wedding anniversary on Sunday.He managed about two words on Friday evening ('railway' and 'train') and he sat in the corner dozing with his headphones clamped to his ears. As my Grandma would have said, he was neither use nor ornament! When he gets into that sort of mood it is hard for him to find a way back and Saturday plodded on in much the same way.

There was a brief respite when he came to Toys R Us with me to buy a little ride on train for my nephew. He went to look at the Hornby trains, he thought I didn't notice him looking at the Tonka toys and I wish I hadn't noticed him playing with the talking Teletubbie toys - how embarrassing! He saw and wanted a remote controlled R2D2, he is worse than a kid sometimes!We had quite a nice Sunday together except when we went to my mum's and he sulked because I built the ride on train instead of letting Robbie do it. He was especially peeved that I put the stickers on because he wanted to do it - apparently his obsession with trains extends to little ride on trains intended for toddlers!

Why Would He Do That?

You will never guess what Robbie has done now! I was tidying up the other day when I came across one of his unauthorised purchases. I thought that after so long I was unshockable as far as Robbie was concerned, but my discovery left me speechless. There was just one question bouncing around in my head - WHY? Why would anyone buy something like that? HE had bought a new pair of Converse shoes, but they are unlike any shoes I have ever seen - they are see through!! Unfortunately I can imagine how ridiculous they will look with Robbie's impossibly loud socks on display to the world. Why on earth would a man with one foot significantly bigger than the other choose to wear see through shoes. I asked him about it, but all he said was "they're iconic!" I give up, but if he thinks he is going to wear them outside the house, I am certain about one thing - I will not be with him!

Surely Not!

I am getting seriously worried about Robbie, in fact I'm expecting the men in white coats any day now! The other day he told me about a new group that he had found out about, I wasn't taking too much notice until he mentioned the name of the group - The Pylon Appreciation Society! At first I thought I had misheard, but no he really did say 'Pylon'. I was incredulous, I though he was joking, I just couldn't believe that anyone could be interested in pylons! In the end Robbie printed out the details for me. He assured me that lots of people are fascinated by pylons, in fact he claims to know several pylon spotters I wonder why that doesn't surprise me! He even told me about a really good book about Pylons - I can't cope with more books. I gave him a serious warning - if he decides to to take up pylon spotting I will consider it grounds for divorce!!

Direct Action - By The Dog!

I need to buy an alarm clock with sharper edges because the only way an alarm clock will ever wake him up is if I beat him with it! Robbie was late home last night and he'd had a hard day so I understood that he needed to unwind for a while. I went off to bed shortly before midnight leaving him to follow soon after, but he did his usual trick of falling asleep on the sofa and he didn't get to bed until the dog decided to chuck him out of the lounge. Megan is a very placid dog, but she has her limits and when the snoring gets too bad she wakes him up and sends him off to bed. A couple of weeks ago he was asleep on the sofa and he woke with a start to find the dog standing on top of him licking his face. It frightened him half to death and he thundered up the stairs as if the devil was after him!

This morning was a rush because I couldn't wake Robbie up, I had to resort to threats of harm before he finally struggled out of bed. I will not see him again today because he is going off to a gig after work, a group called the Bombay Bicycle Club. I am not really interested in music so When he first mentioned The Bombay Bicycle Club I had visions of Robbie on a bike, what a scary thought! I will be asleep before he gets home tonight, so I expect I will have similar problems waking him up tomorrow morning.

First Catch Your Cat!

The wanderer has returned from his busy weekend playing trains and he is now sitting in the corner snoring and the dog is sprawled on the floor also snoring! I shouldn't moan at least while he is dozing it gives me a break from listening to tales of his wonderful trip to Swanage. He didn't seem so interested in my adventures over the last few days, I don't blame him it really.

On Friday I went to the dentist, only minor treatment needed, the pain was financial rather than physical! The trip to the dentist was followed by a trip to the vet for George the cat, he was also in need of dental work. He had all his teeth out soon after we got him because they were in a bad state and causing him pain, but recently a fragment of tooth or root has come up through his gum and it looked inflamed and painful. Typically the fragment came out on Friday morning before we went to the vet, George needed antibiotics to help with the infection. More financial pain for me and serious indignity for George.

Unfortunately George gets travel sick, on the way to the vet he vomited and on the way back disaster struck he had a serious bowel accident. When we got home I opened the cat box carefully because he was covered, but he shot out of the box and hid under the table – thank goodness we don't have carpet! I dashed to the kitchen for wipes and cleaning materials and by the time I returned George had managed to 'pebble dash' the dog as well. I was starting to lose the will to live, but after an entertaining hour bathing the cat and washing the dog I managed to get the house cleaned up. After that it was back to the same old routine, laundry, shopping, cooking, taking people here and there and then fetching them back again. There was also the little matter of getting the cat to take his tablets!

Conspiracy Theory

Robbie is still going on about his yellow T-shirt. He insists that I hid it because I was intending to demand a ransom for the safe return of his top. There are several flaws in his theory, but I can assure you that if I had hidden his T-shirt, he wouldn't have found it! I will admit to private fantasies about a mixed wash accident, but if I removed every item of Robbie's clothing that offends me he would spend his life naked! The truth is that he didn't look properly, I have kept a packet of chocolate fingers in plain view for over a week without him finding them and he still hasn't spotted the Polish Jaffa cakes that I bought two weeks ago!

My Writing Work

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Look at Me

Last Friday I wrote about the cat thinking we should look at him rather than the TV. Here is the evidence!

You Can't Be Serious!

Last week Robbie insisted that I had lost his favourite yellow top, allegedly he had searched everywhere and he couldn't find it. I hadn't touched his T-shirt, and I knew that it wouldn't be far away so I didn't take much notice of Robbie. The next thing I knew he arrived home from work with a new seriously yellow top, it was so yellow it almost knocked you over! He claimed that everyone at work loved it - maybe they are all colourblind! I didn't like it, it gave me a headache just looking at it, and anyway after all the drivel emanating from the Liberal Democrat conference this week I don't want to see anything yellow for a very long time. Surprisingly as soon as he had replaced his 'lost' top the original reappeared, I have my own conspiracy theory about that!

Robbie has been in a serious strop recently, and in the process of acknowledging that he had said some deeply unpleasant things he offered to have his mouth sewn up, it will not happen of course, but it is such a tempting thought! Unfortunately Robbie and silence are strangers to each other.

University

It was a busy day yesterday, Laura started university, she was only there for a couple of hours but it seemed to go well. Her greatest concern seems to be the her ID card, she hates the photo they took of her! I told her that it is traditional for passport and ID card photos to be unspeakable, but she is convinced that this is the most unflattering photo ever. I can't see anything wrong with it, in fact I have had worse photos myself and some of Robbie's ID card pictures have been seriously scary!

Sam was feeling unwell when he got home from school, he had a pounding headache and he was finding it impossible to stay awake. I could tell he was genuinely unwell because we went to Grandma's for tea and usually he loves to be there, but yesterday he just sat curled up on the sofa and he went to bed as soon as he got home. I expected him to be too unwell to go to school this morning, but he came down in his school uniform as usual, he looked dreadful and he said he had a pounding headache. I suggested that he should stay at home, but he was determined to go to school, he said he had coursework to hand in. Now I am convinced he is ill! The Sam I know would never pass up the chance of a day off school, maybe he is growing up at last!

Visual Disturbance

Robbie was in a much more pleasant mood last night, in fact he was doing his best to be very helpful. So when I mentioned that I was having difficulty viewing the television because a furry interference preventing me from seeing the bottom third of the screen, he assured me that he could see perfectly. He came over to look from where I was sitting, he could still see, he crouched on the floor and finally admitted that there may be a slight imperfection in the picture. I told him that was not what I was seeing, I was losing the whole bottom third of the screen. He got increasingly cross because he couldn't see the problem, so I drew it for him, then he got cross because he had been wound up, but he agreed that moving the sofa a little would solve the problem.

The 'S' Word

I had an unusually silent day yesterday, because Robbie decided he wasn't talking to me and I decided to leave him to stew in his own juice. We have plenty of children in our family already, I really don't have the time or the energy to deal with a 37 year old kid. Wednesday is a very busy day for me so I wasn't really troubled by his silence, I hardly noticed it. He didn't arrive home at his usual time, in fact he didn't arrive home at all so his dinner went in the dog and the apple and blackberry crumble I had made remained uneaten. When I had done all my work I went to bed and I was woken at around half past eleven by Robbie, still in a strop commanding me to make sure I didn't leave the key in the door. I think that was a coded message for please can you pick me up from the station, but since he couldn't even be civil I wasn't going to offer. I went straight back to sleep, so I don't know when he got home or how he got there, but he didn't manage to get himself to bed until just before 4am - I suspect he fell asleep in the lounge.

This morning he was silent and his lip was sticking out so far that he was in danger of tripping over it. I didn't have anything to say but eventually Robbie broke the silence, he almost spat out the words “Look I'm sorry”. I was quiet for a moment, I told him I was glad he was sorry but to have any meaning an apology needs to sound sincere, he tried again and came a bit closer to a recognisable apology. He knew he had been completely out of order, but in true Robbie style when he found himself in a hole he kept on digging – if he wants to dig there is a whole garden outside in need of his attention!

He went to London last night to see a group called The Editors, I believe he had mentioned it to me last week, but he really should have reminded me yesterday. Never mind, he missed out on a nice meal and he made his own life unnecessarily difficult; maybe he has learnt a lesson but somehow I doubt it. He now acknowledges that the bookcase resembles the Leaning Tower of Pisa, he says he is going to repair it – I wonder why Heath Robinson springs to mind! I know that he is deeply attached to his railway books, but why do they all have to be in the lounge?

Throwing His Toys Out of the Pram

To say that I am angry is a huge understatement. Robbie was home late last night because he had been to the North, I messed up my evening in order to pick him up and everything was fine - until we got home! An innocent remark about his bookcase caused him to throw his toys out of the pram. The bookcase is already full and groaning under the weight of books and a simple request not to load any more books on to it was all it took for Robbie to fizz up and bang. Anyway he clamped on his headphones, plugged himself into his laptop and tried to annoy me with his music that was so loud it spilled out int the room. Failing to get a reaction he turned to Facebook and advertised for a good home for all his railway books, my comment that he should grow up prompted him to add his model deltics to the list (because I had bought them for him). I am not sure how he thought getting rid of that much clutter was going to hurt me, but I was sick of his childish games and decided not to succumb to the temptation to advertise 'Annoying husband free to a good home'. I gave up and went to bed and the silence has been 'golden' ever since! He must know he was being ridiculous and regret his actions because he deleted his facebook comments, but so far the 's' word has eluded him!

Beware of Surprises.

Next week is my birthday, it is not an event that I look forward to for all sorts of reasons, but there is one thing that really scares me - surprises. I don't like surprises and I especially don't like the sort of surprises that Robbie dreams up. He always asks what I would like for my birthday, I don't really need anything but I give him a few ideas, but he always says that he will surprise me. Last year it was the clock, the one with the test card on it, it was more of a shock than a surprise. I tried really hard to like it, I even put it on the wall but it felt as if it was taking over the room, it was either me or the clock.. I have spent the rest of the year trying to loose it! I even suggested that he should have it at work, but apparently he doesn't have anywhere to hang it. It is a huge thing, and it would swamp any normal sized room, so before you decide that I am a horrible, ungrateful person, ask yourself if you could live with a clock like that. I would have much preferred a day with Robbie instead of a present.

It is Inexcusable!

I detest London Midland, yet again they managed to mess my day up. I am sick and tired of them randomly cancelling trains and not bothering to tell anyone until it is too late. Having had to get up early on Sunday morning to deliver Robbie to the station I was less than enthusiastic about having to do a mercy dash to rescue him from some out of the way place in the evening. Robbie rang me to say that he had noticed that his train from Birmingham (and a number of others) seemed to be listed as cancelled. I told him to come home via Kettering instead, but he refused so I gave him an alternative - sleep outside the office or travel back by East Midland Trains. Still undecided he said he would ring London Midland to see what was happening but that proved a fruitless exercise, they didn't even know what day it was and they couldn't give him any firm information about his train. A clear example of 'the plan is, there is no plan' it is inexcusable. Eventually Robbie saw sense and travelled home via Kettering, annoyingly it cost him extra to do so, but there was no alternative. So I had to trail off to Kettering in the dark to pick him up, why is life with Robbie always so exhausting?

Questions, Questions

On Friday and Saturday Robbie was on his best behaviour because he really wanted to go 'out to play' on Sunday. Robbie being extra nice is certainly better than Robbie in a strop, but it is still fairly challenging because it seems to send his brain into overdrive and he bombards me with daft ideas and constant questions. On Friday he made me stop in the dog food section at the supermarket while he explained exactly how he wanted to reorganise our bedroom, interesting ideas but why did he have to choose that moment?

On Saturday morning he cuddled up to me and asked “do you ever wonder why the fluff that collects in your belly button is always blue?” I can honestly say that I have never considered the matter, but that wouldn't be a good enough answer for Robbie so I told him that it was a chemical reaction when the fluff was close to the skin for too long – he believed me for at least ten minutes!

A little later at a time when it would have been reasonable to expect his full attention he announced that there was something that he had never understood, he then asked “what is anti pasta?” I told him that judging by the way he pronounced it, it was probably a militant organisation that disliked Italian food! By then the 'moment' was lost, so I explained that he probably meant antipasto and as far as I knew it was an appetiser offered at the start of a meal. I don't like foreign food so I am not really the best person to ask about such things.

He got through most of the afternoon without incident, but only because he was saving himself for a seriously tactless random comment. That evening I was standing in the kitchen cooking while Robbie was washing up, when he suddenly asked “do you think you will have the menopause soon?”. I was tempted to answer it with my own question and ask if he thought he would need stitches today, but listening to him trying to dig himself out of trouble was so entertaining that I forgave him!

Has The World Gone Mad?

I am starting to think that there is a streak of insanity running through our town. A couple of days ago I was driving through the center of town when I caught sight of an odd looking man. A second look revealed that he was holding a lead and he was taking his ferret for a walk! The poor creature must have been terrified of the traffic. This morning I was driving through town not far from the place that I saw the ferret when I pulled up at traffic lights. The passenger jumped out of a van that was slightly ahead in the lane next to me, I didn't take much notice of him, until I suddenly noticed that he was mooning! I have no idea why he felt the world needed to be treated to that view so early in the morning, it certainly blighted my day! It reminded me of my visit to the zoo a couple of weeks ago, a baboon did something similar - but it had more reason to be proud.

The other mad thing concerns Laura's friend, a bright bubbly girl who has just passed her A Levels and is about to go to University. Laura was driving to the chemist to drop off our prescriptions and her friend was holding them. She asked Laura if that was her brother's full name, and thinking that she meant Samuel William David, Laura replied that it was. Her friend then asked why we called him Sam, and Laura explained that it was short for Samuel. Her friend's confusion only became obvious when she said "I think Master is a really cool name" Laura had to explain that it wasn't a name, it is just the male equivalent of Miss!

Fairy Steps

Robbie apologised for being a miserable old man yesterday. The reason for his strop was (allegedly) that I had made him late and he would miss his train. Robbie is an unstoppable force and absolutely nothing could make him late if he didn't want to be delayed. Yesterday morning he did everything possible to make himself late, he even stopped to put the recycling out for collection - he never usually does that. Even when he got to the station he wouldn't hurry because he was adamant that he was too late and it was all my fault. It is hard to describe Robbie walking in fairy steps - but I wish I had it on film! Anyway despite his best efforts he caught his train so I didn't make him late after all!

The evening before, Robbie had told me that he'd turned down the chance of 'playing trains' at the weekend because he needed to be at home. Roughly translated that means that he dare not push his luck any further after last week! Of course what Robbie says does not always turn out to be what Robbie does. Yesterday evening he had been reasonably pleasant, he was sitting in his corner glued to his computer when he was overcome with what I can only describe as an excess of pleasure. His moans of excitement were rather disconcerting, but I knew that only one thing could have that sort of effect on Robbie - a train! Not any old train, his favourite deltic, Royal Scots Grey. Apparently it will be at Neville Hill at the weekend and despite not having broached the subject yet, I know that I will have another lonely weekend, because where the Royal Scots Grey goes Robbie is sure to follow. Oh well, if I have to put up with another weekend without him, I'm going to enjoy myself too, maybe I will go somewhere nice.

A Short Lived Smile

I managed to put a smile on Robbie's face last night - I bought him some Polish Jaffa Cakes! unfortunately the smile didn't last too long he is like a bear with a sore head again this morning, but at least I know he is still capable of cracking his face. Actually he even laughed at one point last night, but that was only because he was laughing at me for not knowing who Jane Fonda is. I know now, I looked her up, she was in that L'Oreal advert, apparently she was in some films too but I didn't see any of them. When he stopped laughing at me for that he decided to test me on other people I may not know. He started with John Lydon, but I did know who he was because he was in a butter advert. I didn't know what group he was in but I don't think I would have been interested in him, I was never that interested in music and judging by the song that Robbie played last night his music wasn't exactly attractive.

Robbie says that his colleagues keep teasing him about his yellow T-shirts, I don't really understand they just pick on the yellow ones they are quite tame compared to his vivid blue one, and his lurid pink one can only be viewed with sunglasses! If that is not enough to scare you, there's always his luminous green and brown shorts. Robbie wouldn't be Robbie without his loud and slightly alarming clothes, they are just like him really!

The Kitchen Police

Robbie is still moaning about the 'unauthorised' knives I bought. I really don't understand him, he says that it will cause extra washing up, I hardly think that three knives and some extra tea spoons are going to cause much difference. I only bought them because he was moaning last week that we had some missing knives, and in our house tea spoons seem to the same place that scissors and biros disappear to. I think his real reason for objecting is that they don't quite match the others and that annoys him, we have a set of best cuttlery and we even have a very posh set that hardly ever gets used, but Uri Geller's understudy lives in our house, so for every day we have cuttlery that can easily be replaced.



Sam went back to school yesterday, being a typical fourteen year old he had been very difficult trying on his new school trousers so that I could turn them up. He took them upstairs, tried them on and came down carrying them, he wouldn't let me see him with them on, but he showed me how much needed turning up. So at the weekend I carefully turned up one pair, on Monday morning he put them on and they were ankle bashers, so I had to hurriedly sew the second pair to the correct length! Typical boy, a little more effort on his part in the first place would have meant a lot of effort for me! this morning I have to adjust pair one to the correct length and turn up pair three, thankfully I didnt have enough faith in Sam's measurements to turn up all three pairs on Sunday!