Trouble with Aliens

When I was a little girl I had an irrational fear of standing too close to my bed because I believed that the (imaginary) Red Indian who lived under my bed would reach out and grab me. This made it necessary to leap onto the bed from as far away as possible to be sure that I stayed safe. I watched far too many cowboy films when I was little! As far as I can remember my sleep was never disturbed by aliens - until this week! In fact The Clangers are the only aliens I recall from my childhood and certainly weren't scary.

On Wednesday evening I went to bed fairly late and just as I was getting

warm, comfortable and very sleepy Robbie bounded upstairs and launched himself onto the bed as if he was being chased by a whole posse of imaginary foes. He announced excitedly that he had an alien, he was clutching a Lego mini figure pack which he had carefully opened to reveal the pieces necessary to build an alien mini figure. He settled himself on the bed in a Buddha like pose and began to build his alien, while I snuggled under the duvet in search of sleep. Robbie shook me to inform me tat the alien's weapon was too short. My knowledge of alien weaponry is severely limited (I don't think the Clangers had weapons) and I have absolutely no desire to further my knowledge of such things, especially not at 2am! Apparently a purple light-sabre type thing was missing, and Robbie wasn't going to settle until he found it. It was not easy to sleep when Robbie put the light on and then knelt on the bed stark naked looking down to see if the missing part had fallen onto the carpet. It was even harder to sleep when he decided that he had to lift up the duvet and check all the bedding. By this time I was ready to kill him because I really needed to sleep. We agreed that he would let me sleep if I promised to look for the part in the morning.

True to my word I searched for the part the next day without success, so I ended up returning the figure to the shop because there was a piece missing. Imagine my embarrassment when the missing part turned up, it had been caught inside the packaging all the time. He is a very happy chap now that his alien's weapon has been restored to the correct proportions and even happier because his latest mini figure is a very cool looking rapper.

Good Advice

My mum once told me that when it comes to men what you see is what you get, trying to change them just leads to frustration and disappointment. Judge Judy expressed it rather more eloquently when she said "Don't try to teach a pig to sing because it wastes your time and it annoys the pig"

From the time we first met it was obvious that I was not going to be able to change Robbie significantly (I'm not even sure that I wanted to) so over time I have adapted to his many idiosyncrasies and his need to stick to routines and do things his way. It is only when his routines get changed that I notice his funny little ways and even then it sometimes takes someone else to point it out.

Yesterday Robbie had meetings in Milton Keynes so he didn't need set out at his usual time. We had talked about it and I was going to drop him off at the station after taking Sam to school and before dropping Emily off at work. He could fit into their schedule without us needing to make any adjustments - at least that was the plan. Robbie is not the only person in our family with odd little ways and rigid routines!

I had been pottering around upstairs enjoying the luxury of a little extra time and when I went downstairs I expected to see everyone dressed an almost ready to go. Sam and Emily sat next to each other on the sofa with their coats and bags, like anxious patients in a dentist's waiting room. Both had their eyes firmly fixed on Robbie who stood near the dining table not quite dressed and looking far from ready. His bag was open and the contents had been taken out and piled up around it. Robbie, who showed no sense of urgency was busy sharpening pencils! At first I said nothing but as time went on his lack of progress began to worry me, he was going to make us late.

Emily looked as if she was ready to explode and when he picked up a fourth pencil and began to sharpen it she asked if that was really the best use of his time at that moment. With clear irritation Robbie told her that he had to do it now because he didn't want to take the pencil sharpener with him. He always stuffs his bag with a load of junk, so I don't think a tiny little sharpener would make much difference. We went out and waited for him in the car and eventually he emerged dressed and ready to go. Clearly it is very important to have plenty of lead in your pencil when visiting Milton Keynes!

A Time and a Place

So far Tuesday has been much nicer than Monday was, but everything turned out well in the end, so I can't really complain. Why do Monday mornings come round so quickly? One minute it is Friday and the whole weekend stretches ahead then you blink and it is Monday morning again. We had a nice weekend, but it just didn't last long enough. I think my favourite bit of the weekend is Saturday morning, it is so nice to wake up and realise that you don't have to be ruled by the clock. Cuddling up to Robbie while listening to Radio 4 on a Saturday morning is so special, but it is a struggle to get his undivided attention. I am used to his rather unique ways, but even I can't cope with some things. It irritates me when he notices every bus that goes along the road and then recites the complete timetable for that bus; I get even more irritated when he sits there reading a Quail map and forgets that I'm there, but when he chooses Saturday morning in bed to tell me about his colleagues and their train spotting obsessions I know that it is time to give up!

Why Are Bananas Funny?

After a hectic and exhausting week I always look forward to Friday evenings because I don't work on Fridays and it is lovely to spend some quality time with Robbie. Usually Friday evenings don't live up to my expectations for one reason or another and this Friday was no exception. I had made an appointment for Sam to have his hair cut at 5pm, thinking that I would have plenty of time to pick Mr B up afterwards, but he changed the goalposts and decided to come home on an earlier train. Robbie said he would get the bus, but by some miracle I managed to be at the station by 5.35pm to pick him up! I thought he would be pleased, but being Mr Autistic he got himself into a right strop because I had changed the goalposts and it took him ages to get over it.

I tried my best but I couldn't manage to put a smile on his face, so I had to use my secret weapon - Lego! He carefully opened the bag and tipped out the pieces of his latest Lego man, he was very impressed, it was a man in a gorilla suit holding a banana. I thought there was something vaguely familiar about it but Robbie seemed to be deeply amused by the banana. I am not sure why he found it so funny, but at least it put a smile on his face!

Barking Mad

I never want to get up when the alarm goes off but this morning Robbie and I were both more tired than usual because he was very late getting back from work yesterday and we didn't get to bed until well past 1am. I remember hitting the snooze button once or twice and I remember struggling to wake Robbie and get him moving, but after that it is a bit hazy. I must have closed my eyes again because the next time I looked there was cup of tea on my bedside cabinet and the clock had raced ahead. Suddenly I was wide awake and rushing to be ready on time.

I noticed that it was suspiciously quiet, by that time Robbie should have been in the shower, but I couldn't hear any noise at all from the bathroom. On my way to the bathroom I paused at the top of the stairs, Robbie was downstairs arguing with someone.

I was rather alarmed, who could he possibly be arguing with at this time in the morning? I couldn't enjoy the luxury of having the bathroom to myself because I was worried about what was going on downstairs. I reasoned that he must be talking to someone on the phone, but judging by the string of expletives whoever it was must have wound him up big style. Robbie is never at his best first thing in the morning so I was worried that he may come to regret his outburst later in the day.

As soon as I was washed and dressed I went dashing downstairs to find out what was going on. Robbie was standing in the kitchen wearing only a t-shirt and he appeared to be arguing with the back door. I am used to weird but that sight stopped me in my tracks, I thought we may need professional help!! Finally everything became clear, Robbie was having a heated argument with Meg the dog who had apparently asked to go out into the garden and refused to come back in. I can understand Robbie's frustration but Meg is extremely deaf and more than a little confused so yelling at the back door was not exactly productive. I guess I should be grateful at least he didn't scare the neighbours by chasing her round the garden wearing next to nothing!

A Task Delegated to Women?

According to the Telegraph there are some things that women do much better than men, that is no surprise to me, in fact I think women can do most things better than men. However I was rather surprised that buying underwear for men is among the many tasks that women fulfil for the men in their lives. According to a survey conducted by Debenhams men only take responsibility for 17 years of their lives!

Apparently by age 19 young men assert their independence by choosing their own underwear. Judging by the males in our family their independence doesn't yet extend to transporting their smalls to the laundry basket, but we live in hope. By age 36 men have delegated the responsibility of buying their pants to their wives or girlfriends. I don't pretend that Robbie is a typical male, the world can only cope with one Robbie, but in this respect he seems to be 'normal'. When Robbie and I first got together I soon realised that I wouldn't be able to change his 'unique' approach to fashion but at least I persuaded him that baggy boxers were not a good look, they bunched up under his clothing and made him look as if he very odd. That was the extent of my influence until recently when he started to have trouble with his trousers. Suddenly I am not only buying his pants, but I'm being treated to a personal 'catwalk experience' as he tries on each new pair and struts around the lounge showing them off. Scary stuff!

This really isn't a job that I am ready for. Robbie is the one who is into clothes not me. He gives hours of thought to what he wears (yes really!) but as far as I am concerned if it is clean, comfortable and it doesn't make me look like the back of a bus I'm happy. Why shop for clothes when you could go to a bookshop instead? So why am I spending hours contemplating the comfort of Robbie's nether regions? I think it is about time that he stopped being a statistic and took back responsibility for buying his smalls!

Bed Time Routine

Do you know what Robbie does when we go to bed? No, it's nothing to make you blush, you don't have to worry. He saves one little treat until bed time - he makes a Lego Man! He gets a new pack out of his drawer, carefully opens the bag with scissors and tips the contents out on the bed, keen to find out which figure is inside. It can be the cause of great excitement when he gets a figure that he really likes. Sometimes I go to bed before him but even if I am fast asleep I still get to share his enthusiasm. On one occasion I was sound asleep but he woke me up to tell me he'd had a very exciting evening, I wondered what he had been up to as I certainly couldn't remember anything worthy of note but apparently the thrill came from getting the tribal chief figure. It keeps him out of trouble and as they say, 'Little things ...........'

Magic Fingers

I am very reluctant to mention the F word (Ford) because even just thinking about that car costs me a fortune. The key to the Galaxy is misbehaving, it plays me up when I try to lock it remotely, but it unlocks perfectly, the battery must be going. The last time I had key trouble it cost me an arm and a leg so I have been putting off the evil moment and just managing with a wayward key, after all it is not the only annoying thing in my life! The odd thing is that Robbie can usually get the key to work for him! I watched him on Saturday standing there waving the key at the car with such a look of concentration that he reminded me of Harry Potter ready to use the unlocking spell Alohomora. It is so frustrating, why does it work for him and not for me!!

Dr Dolittle

I am used to Robbie having long conversations with the cats and he invests a lot of effort into teaching them to tell the time. On Friday evening I witnessed a conversation between Robbie and Dave the cat. Dave had been fussing around asking to be fed and Robbie pointed up at the kitchen clock and said "when the big hand is on twelve it will be feeding time". Dave is very good communicator, his expression and his body language was more eloquent than any hand signal. He stalked off into the lounge and settled down by the fire, he preferred to examine his nether regions than to have yet another lecture on telling the time from Robbie.

The big hand finally got to 12 and true to his word Robbie fed the animals. Afterwards Dave had the devil in him and he did a couple of things to annoy Robbie, he tried to steal Robbie's food and then he sat on some newly folded laundry. When it comes to food Robbie is not good at sharing, dressed only in his underwear he pursued Dave around the lounge and the kitchen flapping a tea towel at him and telling him that he doesn't steal Dave's food and he doesn't intend to share his with Dave! Robbie chased Dave up the stairs and I heard a series of expletives emanating from the bathroom. Obviously Robbie had given up on teaching him to tell the time and was now giving him a lesson in colloquial English! Robbie announced that Dave had hidden behind the bath (I didn't really blame him) but suddenly Robbie thundered down the stairs waving an aerosol can. Dave darted into the lounge in search of protection and I told Robbie to put the can down and behave himself. I am used to acting as referee in spats between Sam and Robbie (at times it is like having two teenagers), but having a row with a cat is a step too far!

Underwear Heaven

Don't worry, I am not going to give you too much information and there certainly will not be a photo! After Robbie's recent problems with itchy and irritated legs we have finally found a solution. Having researched the matter on the internet it seemed that sports underwear may provide offer some protection from the irritating fabric of his suit. So Thursday morning found me at a large sports store having an excruciatingly embarrassing conversation about the correct size to buy with a male assistant who looked implausibly young. I bought the said garment, just one pair as they were scarily expensive and I wasn't sure that they would work. Robbie wasn't too sure at first, but having showed off his new knickers to my son he decided to give them a try. Our son says he will need years of therapy to recover!! On Friday Robbie rang me to say that he was in underwear heaven, apparently the new 'smalls' are perfect, like a second skin. We have now ordered more pairs, so I hope we will hear a lot less about sore legs in the coming weeks.

The Quest for Perfect Pants

For someone who claims to love being naked Robbie manages to get very up tight about his pants. Several weeks before Christmas we decided that Robbie absolutely had to have a new suit for work. The trousers belonging to his favourite suit were becoming rather see through - not a good look, and the jacket of his other work suit had something odd going on with the collar that made him look as if he had no neck. So rather reluctantly we had to break open the piggy bank and beat the VAT rise. Nothing is ever simple when it comes to dressing Robbie and when the suit arrived the trousers didn't fit quite as well as he'd hoped, so they were returned and the replacement order was delayed by the heavy snow. We finally collected the new trousers after Christmas So Monday was the first chance Robbie had to wear his new suit to work - and that is when the trouble began!

When he chose a wool blend suit I pointed out the risk of irritation, but Robbie assured me that he was not sensitive to wool and there was no risk of it making him itch. The suit had other ideas! Robbie arrived home on Monday evening walking like John Wayne, he made it as far as the kitchen before removing his trousers and inviting me to feel his legs. I have seen worse but I had to agree that there was a hint of redness probably caused by the trousers. I prescribed some E45 cream, but Robbie didn't seem keen on getting cream on his hands and I didn't offer to rub it in for him, so his legs remained uncreamed until bed time. Every half an hour or so he got up from his chair and plodded over in his pants to ask me to look at his legs, there was nothing much to see but they were obviously causing him some discomfort. I spent the evening searching online for the perfect pair of pants to remedy the problem and he finally settled on some rather attractive sports underwear from his beloved Marks and Spencer. He intended to make an urgent visit to M&S the next day. So when I plodded off to bed I was hopeful that the solution to the problem was within reach.

We were rather late going to bed and as always I was trying to get to sleep before Robbie arrived. He sat gnome like on the bed contemplating his inner thighs. I urged him to put some E45 cream on his legs and then settle down and get some sleep, my sympathy was fast being eroded by exhaustion. He asked me to get him the cream so I got out of bed and passed it to him then I snuffled back under the covers, clearly it was going to be a long night. After what seemed like hours I out from the covers to see Robbie dispensing a pea sized portion of cream on to one finger and then attempting to rub it in with just one finger. I urged him to get a sensible amount of cream and rub it in with his whole hand or neither of us would get any sleep. He must have taken my advice because he eventually got into bed, but almost as soon as he settled down he started to make strange noises, like a whimper mixed with a groan. Apparently the cream was making his legs sting even more, unbelievably he was asleep within a few minutes but his legs still seemed to have a life of their own. By the time I got to sleep it was time to wake up again, suddenly single beds seem a very attractive option!

I Am So Angry

I feel cheated and let down, I have been totally loyal but it seems I have wasted a huge chunk of my life. I am so angry, how dare they do this! I expected far better from them, I will never trust them again! Who am I talking about - the BBC of course! Poor Nigel, he didn't deserve such a stupidly pointless thing to happen to him, he has never done anyone any harm. What a let down, dreadful writing and stupid unbelievable plots, as a very long term listener I feel cheated and disrespected. They said that Ambridge would be shaken to the core in a special 60th anniversary edition of The Archers but sadly, the only core that has been shaken tonight is that of the programme's long-time faithful audience base

I would have danced for joy if Helen and her baby had died, she is so annoying. In fact I could have provided them with a list of annoying people that need culling. Shula, Kathy, Jennifer, Susan ..... but after tonight Vanessa Whitburn is top of my hit list!