A Big Mistake

I think I have mentioned before that I wear contact lenses but I often don't put them in until I need to go out. On Sunday morning I was in a bit of a hurry because I needed to pick Sam up from church and then we were all going to my mums for a belated birthday celebration for my step father. As often happens the time rushed past, I'd been busy writing an article, then suddenly I noticed the time and I had to rush to have my bath and get ready. I decided to wear my jeans, they are too big really but they are ideal for going to mum's because her dogs jump all over me. I got dressed and rushed downstairs, but when I put my boots on I noticed that I kept treading on the back of the trousers, they seemed to have grown in the wash. Closer inspection revealed my mistake - they were Robbie's jeans! As they say, more haste less speed.

Pants

A recent shopper survey by Debenhams revealed that there are only a few years of independence when young men take responsibility for choosing their own underwear. According to the survey teenagers rely on their mothers to buy their pants until around the age of 19 and by the time men reach age 36 they have delegated the task of buying their underwear to their wife or partner.

Robbie is 37 and he still buys his own pants, if I bought them he certainly wouldn't wear those dreadful striped ones that remind me of an old fashioned swimming outfit. I have to admit that I have influenced his choice. When we first met he wore boxers, but they looked horrible and they bunched up under his suit to make it look as if he was wearing a nappy. He got the message after I started calling him Gandhi, now he wears trunks, they look much nicer and he says they are far more comfortable. Sam is almost 15, he would like to be able to select his own underwear, but since the kind he likes are £10 per pair I am unwilling to pay for that. We have reached a compromise on price, but he chooses the style.

Sam is left handed, he is just like Robbie when it comes sharing random snippets of information. The other day he informed me that they now produce left handed underwear for men! He is right, they stock it at Debenhams. Boxer shorts have a centre opening but trunks and Y fronts usually have a right handed opening. The pants made by Horn do not have a vertical opening, instead they have a horizontal opening just below the waistband. The company claims that this could save a left handed man three seconds each time he visits the bathroom. It doesn’t sound much to me, but I guess it would add up over a lifetime!

Shopping for Men

Why is it so hard to buy presents for men? It is my step father's birthday today, and I really struggled to find a suitable present for him. In the end I bought his favourite aftershave and a book of old photos of our town and the surrounding villages. He loved the book so at least the effort to find the right thing was worthwhile. At least I don't have that problem with Robbie, he is very easy to buy for. I find the easiest thing is to stick with the train theme, there are lots of options, a ride on a train, a model train, a visit to look at trains, a book about trains, maps showing train routes, paintings of trains, train DVDs, train pictures, train jigsaws, in fact he even likes bits of old trains! In the unlikely event that I ran out of train related options there are other possibilities, Dr Martens, gadgets or anything that he can eat - he loves to eat!

The Cat Won

Robbie and the cat have a couple of things in common, they both love eating and they both think that they should have my undivided attention. The cat sits on the arm of the chair leaning against me and he becomes even more interested if I eat anything. Last night Robbie told him to go away because I was going to have something to eat. As usual the cat ignored him, so Robbie poked him and suddenly it turned into a jousting competition with the cat sitting on his hind legs waving his arm menacingly at Robbie and Robbie dancing around in his PJs as if he was having a sword fight. Needless to say, the cat won and Robbie retreated to his corner to seek solace on the Internet.

Tickets Please

There is a series on Radio 4 on Monday mornings called Tickets Please. It is about the dysfunctional on board staff who work for a train company and their even more dysfunctional passengers. It is a fictional company and it is a very funny series, but I can't help wondering what company it is based on. It can't be Cross Country because they do not have on board catering, but I can't help wondering if they could perhaps have taken their inspiration from Virgin? I had a look at the BBC Radio 4 web site they do have a picture of a train speeding through a station but I don't recognise the livery. I pondered on it for ages then I thought OMG I am turning into Robbie!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nv6nr

Trouble Afoot

I can't put it off any longer, I have to give serious consideration to buying Christmas presents. The girls are sorted now and most of the presents for the wider family have been bought, my main problems are Robbie and Sam. I made a big mistake in planning, Sam's birthday is on 20th December so that adds to my present buying problems, I have a few ideas but I am still not sure what he would like. Robbie knows exactly what he wants, but the thought terrifies me - he wants red tartan Dr Marten boots. What a vision, he would look like an ageing Bay City Roller! When I made it clear that there is no way that I am going to buy them, he suggested an alternative, Dr Martens with Union Jack toe caps - no way!! Why can't he just be normal?

A Narrow Escape

I guess it should be a day of celebration since we don't have to endure President Blair. I have seen quite enough of that grin to last several lifetimes! I didn't feel much like celebrating this morning, I had to go to the hairdressers this morning, I couldn't put it off any longer. I absolutely hate having my hair cut, I would rather go to the dentist, but at least it is over and done with for another few weeks.

Reginald Perrin Lives Again

Robbie is becoming more like Reginald Perrin, his morning call to me consists of a detailed account of his journey timed to the second. Paying particular attention to every minor failing and inconvenience. On the subject of convenience, he seems to have become obsessed with the state of the train toilets. A week or so ago he had a 'near death experience' when every toilet on the train was out of use, since then he has treated me to a detailed analysis on the number of available toilets and their rather dubious state of cleanliness. It wouldn't be so bad if he could choose a better time to talk about it, but it is a bit off putting when I am eating my meal. Oh well, he keeps telling me I am going deaf, so I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

Irony

I read in a newspaper article yesterday that Network Rail staff will have to travel to a staff conference by coach because it is too expensive to travel by train. So that must be why they disrupt services and force rail travellers on to replacement buses, it's cheaper. According to the Metro article the cost of all the staff attending the conference by coach would be £2400 compared to £27000 for rail travel. I don't put too much faith in those figures since the same article claims that that Coventry is in Berkshire! Anyway there is a certain kind of irony in Network Rail staff being forced on to coaches, I hope they are smelly old bone shakers like the ones that we get stuck with each time they mess up our rail services.

Man Stress

Robbie had promised that this weekend would be special after the disaster of last weekend. It started OK but by Saturday afternoon Robbie had a huge man stress. When I went to pick Sam up I stopped to buy myself a newspaper, I hardly ever buy a newspaper and earlier that day Robbie had told me that if I wanted one that I would have to buy it myself. It didn't cross my mind that Robbie would want a paper, it was past 6pm so if he'd wanted one he would have got one by then. When I got home he was furious, he didn't seem to understand that I don't work by telepathy! He got into such a stress that he decided that he was going to walk to the supermarket to buy a paper. I offered him a lift but he refused and insisted on walking, he said he didn't want a meal cooking for him. So I got on with cooking and the rest of us ate without Robbie. When he returned with his precious Guardian he was even more impossible and it took him all night to get over his man stress.

His recovery didn't last long we had a disagreement about the Looe Valley line and who changes the points when the train changes direction. He even rang a colleague to prove that he was right - he wasn't! He didn't say much but his lip jutted out the way it always does when he is in a strop. He decided to go out on Sunday afternoon and evening, I wasn't impressed. So much for having his undivided attention all weekend!

There was one bit of comedy value, during the weekend, when he got all dressed up to go to the supermarket in the rain he looked very much like Kenny from South Park, it made me want to laugh, I managed to keep a straigh face, but that vision will stay with me for quite a while!

Total Panic

I must have aged at least ten years last night. Sam went out to an event connected to his youth group, he left the house at about 5pm and everything seemed fine. He was getting a lift home with a friend and was due back at about 9pm but he didn't turn up. Robbie got increasingly worried and kept trying to call Sam, but he didn't answer his phone or reply to texts. Robbie rang me as soon as I left work, I was so worried, I tried to ring him but he didn't answer my calls either, so I drove around looking for him just in case he had wandered off after being dropped off. By nearly 11pm I was terrified, I went home to pick Robbie up so that we could go back and have another look at the church, it seemed to be in darkness but perhaps there was still someone there. I tried yet again to call Sam and this time he answered, he was on his way home, I was so relieved. He had turned his phone on to silent and lost track of the time, so he had no idea that we would be worried. His first question when he got home was "Am I grounded?"

After that episode we both needed a bit of time to unwind. Robbie sat in the corner with his headphones on listening to loud music on his laptop. I glanced across at him and almost burst out laughing, he was nodding his head and opening and closing his mouth he looked like a fish version of a nodding dog!

Ugly Boys

My arm feels as if someone has filled it with concrete, it is as heavy as lead and it really aches. I had my flu jab on Tuesday and I always get a bad local reaction to it so I know this is nothing to worry about, but I wish it would get better. By yesterday evening Robbie was feeling a little better, but he still has a bad headache. Laura was poorly yesterday with similar symptoms to Robbie, but Sam who had the bug a day before Robbie was better and able to return to school. So that just leaves me, I am hoping they will have kept their germs to themselves because I really don't want to get it.



I knew that Robbie was getting back to normal when at well after 1am when we were both in bed he started to talk about the Ugly Boys who had apparently just arrived in UK. I thought he was talking about one of the bands that he likes because they all seem to have wierd names, but as he warmed to his subject it became clear that he was talking about trains! Two engines (from USA I think) that are as ugly as sin have just arrived in UK. When he showed me a picture of them I could see what he meant, they are horrible, but at 1am I have better things to do than worry about the aesthetics of the railways!

Better in Health Than Temper?

Robbie was so poorly yesterday, I sent him straight back to bed and there he stayed until early afternoon. He just slept, he didn't even drink his coffee, he was red hot to touch but he said he was freezing. He did get up for a while in the afternoon, but he had the fire full on, it was like the tropical house at the zoo, but he was still cold. All he wanted to do was sleep so he crept back to bed. He insisted that he was well enough to go back to work today despite shivering all night. His usual early morning rush was more of an early morning plod, he dosed himself up and prepared to face the day. He claimed he was feeling better, but he was as miserable as sin and I think it was a real struggle for him to get back to normal this morning.

Rambling

When I got home last night Robbie was rambling on (and on, and on .........) about his train timetables and something or other that didn't work. It didn't seem like the end of the world to me, but judging by his fury, it mattered to him. I sometimes think when he goes to work they wind him up and watch him go, OK I know it is funny sometimes, but I really don't appreciate it when they send him home fully wound! I don't want him still rambling on about timetables at midnight!

Robbie is feeling really poorly this morning, I had to send him back to bed because he is feeling sick and he turned a lurid shade of green when he tried to get ready for work.

Keep on Digging

Robbie managed to wreck the weekend again, I don't think it is so unreasonable to look forward to spending a whole weekend with him, but one way or another it never happens. I was annoyed that he went out on Friday evening and I was asleep before he got home. True to form when he found himself in a hole he just kept on digging, it was like living wit Mr Angry. It took him until Sunday afternoon to apologise for being so impossible and by then the weekend was gone. I knew the old Robbie was back when in the evening we had one of his famous random remarks, he informed me that a certain type of sloth only needs to go to the toilet once every four days. My life is so much better for knowing that! The girls are almost as bad as Robbie, he went on to say that the sloth moves so slowly that moss grows on it. Emily then informed us that there are no green mammals, but Laura insisted that poorly people go green! I give up, I'm outnumbered!

The Friday Blues

From Monday to Thursday I see very little of Robbie, he leaves for work at an indecently early hour so we don't have much to say in the way of meaningful conversation. By the time I get home at about 10.30 Robbie is feeling sleepy, but if I am lucky he manages to stay awake for half an hour or so without nodding off. I look forward to Fridays because I only do my writing work on Fridays, I don't have to work in the evening so Robbie and I can eat together and enjoy a relaxed evening. Well that is the theory anyway, every week Robbie manages to wreck it one way or the other, either he goes out to play trains, works late or he finds some social event or other that he absolutely has to attend. Every time he promises that next week it will be different but every Friday is monotonously similar, Robbie is conspicuous by his absence and I have to rely on the cat for intelligent conversation, he's a lovely cat but he's not very talkative!

Stop Looking At Me

Robbie has become very odd about his early morning routine, in fact there is no routine. Sometimes he goes even earlier than his usual stupidly early start, but sometimes he goes slightly later. Robbie is a creature of habit so all this randomness is rather alarming. I discounted the possibility that he is conducting an early morning affair with a woman with disorganised travel habits. in fact if he had the stamina to manage that first thing in the morning he would deserve a medal. Anyway there are very few people around who could cope with Robbie's incessant babbling about the history of British swimming baths or other equally gripping trivia at any time of day, so it is unlikely that anyone would have the fortitude to endure it before 6am!

I couldn't work out what was going on so I had to confront him about it. After a bit of bluster he admitted that there was a problem - green trains! I can understand him not liking the colour, it is hideous, but I couldn't understand why they were disrupting his life. Apparently he is going to considerable lengths to avoid them because they have a different seating plan and he hates it because he can't have his usual seat, he thinks people look at him!

Heavy Hints

Robbie has been dropping heavy hints about what he wants for Christmas, I am not surprised by the heavy hints, his inner child is never very far from the surface, but I am surprised about what he wants. He has spotted yet more books that he absolutely has to have! I don't think there is room for even one extra book in this house, I am sure I will turn over in bed one night and find that I am cuddling a pile of books instead of a husband! This time it is not train books, topping his Christmas list is a pictorial history of swimming baths in Britain! I don't know why I am still surprised but his randomness, but why on earth would anyone want a book like that? The other book he mentioned was all about Morrissey, I don't know why he wants that either because he already knows everything there is to know about him - and he already bores me rigid on the subject!

Two Tone

I am short sighted, I wear contact lenses, but in the mornings I manage fine around the house without needing to see anything clearly. In fact it can be a benefit not to see things in detail, the lurid colours of Robbie's socks are too much to cope with early in the morning. If I have to drive to give someone a lift or whatever, I wear my glasses and then take them off again when I get back. That explains how I managed to let Robbie out of the house improperly dressed yesterday - when he got to work he found that he was wearing his black suit trousers and his charcoal grey suit jacket! I will have to do what I used to do with the children and check him over before I let him out of the house in the mornings.

Going Out to Play - Again!

Robbie wanted to go out to ride on trains at the weekend, I was not overjoyed to say the least. I told him that he had responsibilities at home because we had loads of things to do around the house. He begged me to let him go, he offered me his body and when I wasn't tempted by that offer he promised to do a whole range of jobs on Sunday if I let him out on Saturday. I was still unimpressed but he went on his little jaunt anyway and he arrived back on Saturday evening. As for the jobs he promised to do, they are still there, still waiting for Robbie notice them! And the offer of his body, I don't know what he thought I could do with it, every time I looked at him he was fast asleep. I guess I could use him as a doorstop but he would be a bit of a trip hazard!