When Enough is Enough

When I was chatting with my friend the other day she referred to my recent post about arguments and she pointed out that what I write on the blog is not always the complete picture because the things that really hurt me do not find their way to the blog. I guess she has a point, I do write when I am sad or hurt or worried, and often the process of writing helps, but one my of my greatest frustrations is not being able to write about a person or a situation either because they do not want to be written about or because the situation is too personal or private to write about. To see a friend or family member struggling and being ground down by a situation is almost worse than enduring it yourself especially when there there very little that you can do to help. Very occasionally I have to accept that the issue is completely off limits, but usually I can write more generally about a subject or write about a similar situation from the past.


Once a very long time ago I was bullied. I was in my first job after qualifying and I became increasingly unhappy because of the way my manager behaved towards me. It was quite a long time before I recognised it as bullying because it was very subtle. I was put down for the smallest errors or omissions, things that I did well were ignored or passed off as my manager's work, she criticised me in front of colleagues and clients, she withheld information so that I would make mistakes and look foolish and she gave me the worst jobs and impossible deadlines. It wasn't my first job, so I knew that work shouldn't be like that and I knew that I was competent, but I still felt that somehow it was my fault and my confidence ebbed away to be replaced with anxiety and dread. I felt trapped and powerless, and I was sure that no one would believe me, it was her word against mine,she had a good reputation and she was coming to the end of a successful career. I did the only thing I could do, I kept going and I worked long hours and I tried to meet the impossible targets.


That situation continued for months, I didn't tell anyone, I just became increasingly unhappy and anxious. Then after about 9 months of agony someone more senior than my manager took me aside after a training course and asked me to tell her what was happening. That was the beginning of the solution for me, it took time and it wasn't easy but knowing that I was believed gave me the confidence to stand up for myself  and to tackle the bullying. Sadly the manager became ill and left not long afterwards, but by then things were much improved between us and we parted on good terms.


Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight I still wonder why it happened. I don't think she was a bad person, she just behaved unkindly towards me. She was at the end of a career that had given her status and satisfaction and she may perhaps have envied my youth and enthusiasm (I was about 23) and been irritated that I took it all for granted. She was traditional, very respectful of hierarchy and she clung to rules and regulations. It seemed to me at the time that she used rules and policy to justify a 'can't do' attitude and to avoid making decisions, but perhaps that is a bit harsh. I realise now that she was out of her depth, she had been moved out of her comfort zone, I think she was intimidated by the client group and I think that clinging to rules and tradition was her way of feeling in control. I suspect she was unhappy and perhaps a little afraid but it doesn't excuse the way she treated me. 


It is hard to admit that you are being bullied and it is probably just as hard to admit to yourself that you are a bully, but acknowledging it is the first step towards putting it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, all theses years later I can still remember how terrible I felt. It was a difficult to face up to those feelings, but having to do so has made me stronger and more determined and I am sure it made me a better manager.  When he was Chief Executive of The Industrial Society Tony Morgan said "Workplace bullying - in any form - is bad for business. It destroys teamwork, commitment and morale."