Well, it is almost New Year again and very soon I will be heading for refuge in the bedroom, because I can't face almost two hours of Jools Holland (two minutes would be too much for me!). Robbie loves Hootenanny, so I leave him in peace to enjoy it while I enjoy an early night.
At this time of year it is traditional to make New Year Resolutions about things that we intend to change in our lives but usually I don't bother with such things. This year is different, this year I finally reached the point of saying enough is enough and standing up to a bully. For 27 years I have tolerated her insults, lies, criticism, and abuse I have finally given up. I tried my best but it was never good enough, I even made excuses for her behaviour, I thought that if I turned the other cheek and did my best to please her she would change. I was wrong of course I should have stood up to her years ago because she saw my kindness and my willingness to forgive as weakness, I was rewarding her bad behaviour. It is bad enough that she thought it was okay to treat me badly in so many different ways, but a few weeks ago she crossed a line and this time I will not forgive her, I will not let her hurt me and cast a shadow over my family any more. I felt sorry for her because had lost so much already, but, now she has lost everything.
I hope she will live to regret her behaviour, but somehow I doubt it because she is just a bitter and twisted bully. I don't have room to hate her, I don't feel anything at all for her now except relief that I don't have to waste any more time on her. She has caused untold hurt to so many people but in the end she is the looser, she has alienated everyone and she faces a lonely and bitter future. As far as I am concerned she has been left firmly in the past and I look forward to the New Year thankful that I have the love and support of my family and friends
I'm not a great fan of new year celebrations, perhaps it is because I'm teetotal, or it could be because Robbie makes me endure New Years Eve with Jools Holland, but I think it is mostly because there is a certain sadness in leaving the past behind and looking forward to what the new year may hold. It is a time when we are reminded of those who will not be with us as we look ahead to 2013. Among them are actors and celebrities who brought us pleasure over the years, we may not know them personally but still we feel their loss and miss them.
I was sorry to hear that Jack Klugman one of my favourite actors died on Christmas Eve and his death reminded me that when trying to explain to a friend that I am a bit out of touch when it comes to films and actors my son said "everyone that my mum likes is dead" and I have to admit that it is starting to feel like that. This year we said farewell to Clive Dunn, Eric Sykes, Robin Gibb, Bob Holness, Whitney Houston, Davy Jones, Neil Armstrong, Larry Hagman and a number of others. It is sad to say goodbye, but I am grateful for the memories.
Well Christmas came and went and if I'd blinked I think I would have missed it. It seems as if it passed in a blur of activity, I was so busy at work prior to Christmas and Robbie was away a lot because he also had a very busy period work wise; it was busy at home too because I had lots to do to get ready for my son's 18th birthday on 20th December so it was a challenge to get ready for Christmas at the same time. It all worked out well in the end, somehow everything got done in time, my son had a lovely birthday and we enjoyed spending time with our family over Christmas. I would have been happier if I didn't have to work on Christmas Eve and on Boxing Day, but that's the way it works out sometimes.
Robbie had lots of nice presents including a couple of new additions to his weird and wacky collection of cufflinks, boxed sets of the first three series of Ice Road Truckers, an assortment of railway books (including a very nice book of then and now railway maps) and several items to add to his Lego collection including a Lego train set with a Lego station. Unfortunately he wasn't very well on Christmas Day so his inner child was more subdued than usual - but he made up for it in the next few days!
I had lots of lovely presents too. I had perfume, a David Attenborough dvd (he is one of my all time heroes) and a dvd set that I have wanted for years, The Victorian Kitchen, Victorian Kitchen Garden and Victorian Flower Garden (one of my all time television favourites). I also had a five year question and answer journal, it poses a question every day but the answer may differ from year to year. Robbie bought me a very thoughtful and generous present, and I was very pleased with it, but I had ethical objections to the brand. I really didn't want to tell him, but he worked it out and he was very understanding about it. After Christmas he took it back so that I could buy from a different (better) company. He wasn't brave enough to tell the Apple Store why he was returning it, but I guess if it is that important I can write and tell them why they lost the sale. I haven't quite decided what I am going to buy yet, I don't want to make my mind up too quickly because I am really enjoying 'window shopping'.
I have written before about Robbie's tendency to 'dance' with fury when I irritate him. When he is cross with me and he tries to express his opinion he does this strange thing where he puts his hands on his hips and keeps bending his knees. Then as he warms to his theme he starts flapping his arms and then thrusting one arm forward to emphasise his argument. I sometimes struggle not to laugh because if it was speeded up a bit it really would look like a Cossack dance. I wrote about it way back in 2007 after a particularly frustrating morning with Robbie.
"Now to explain this morning's upset. We got up in good time and Robbie had as long as he needed in the bathroom, so things were going well. Considering they only have fractionally more to wash than women, I can't understand why men need to take so long in the bathroom!
The trouble started when we got to the station, Robbie went to get the parking ticket. I realised that he had brought his rucksack, I attempted to lift it and found that it contained a hundredweight of work documents as well as, diary, ipod, magazines, snacks and all the 'essentials' to deal with any conceivable railway emergency! Samuel has an unhealthy attachment to his rucksack too, he hates to be parted from it, but he has Asperger's Syndrome, Robbie is allegedly normal!
I took his ipod, pager and sweets out of his rucksack and put them in my handbag. When he returned I refused to let him take his rucksack. He would look ridiculous with a suit and a rucksack, I didn't want him to look like a Sherpa! Robbie went mad and had a full scale tantrum in the car park. I won the first round and he thundered off with what I can only describe as a cross between a stomp and a shuffle - if it had been speeded up it would have looked like a Cossack dance! He was impossible and he continued the argument on the train, I was tempted to tip my hot chocolate over him, but it was too expensive to waste. It took him until almost lunchtime to recover his temper - so much for Valentine's Day!"
Last night I woke at about 3am when Robbie shouted out and then leapt out of bed. I am not at my best at 3am and it took me a while to become fully awake and make sense of what was happening in the bedroom. The first thing that I became aware of was torrent of swear words fired through the darkness like a volley of gunfire. As my eyes got used to the darkness I saw the silhouette of Robbie over by the bedroom door. As well as the copious swearing he appeared to be going through a series of jerky movements. I hadn't been too surprised by the swearing, after all this is a man who frequently talks to his socks and underwear in the middle of the night (he always has to put his clothes for the next day in the dark because he waits until I have gone to bed - and he always wakes me up!). I gradually interpreted the jerky movements, he was bending forwards and sticking one leg out as if he was pushing his heel into the floor, it looked like a robot doing a Cossack dance, but it was cramp and Robbie was in agony!
I felt so useless because nothing that I could say or do would help. He often gets cramp at night, but I think the pain was more severe last night. It is scary to see him in so much pain
